Failing as a first time mum.

[CJ98]

This probably seems really dramatic but I feel like I’m failing as a first time mum. My daughter is 5 months old and since the day she was born I’ve struggled with everything. She’s been terrible for sleeping, terrible for drinking her milk and terrible for bringing her wind up. Everyday I’m exhausted as I feel like I’m constantly fighting her, I see everyone else having their babies in routines & I just haven’t had the energy or support to get my baby into a routine. Daily I feel like I’m in a constant battle with her, she doesn’t sleep for longer than 30 minutes during the day, on a night she might sleep 5 hours, her milk she’s been drinking every 3 hours & I’ve been told by my health visitor she should be going longer & that brings me to her bringing her wind up. It doesn’t matter what I do but I can be fighting with her for well over an hour to bring her wind up which obviously gets her wound up & as you can imagine gets me to a point of giving up. I’m trying my absolute best but have found I’m constantly comparing myself to everyone else around me. I do have a partner and when he works I can be having our daughter 12+ hours on my own for most of the week which as you can imagine has become extremely tiring and he does his best to support and help me but unfortunately can only do so much when he’s working 10 hour shifts. I don’t know what I can do to help myself and her. I don’t want to be getting stressed daily but I feel like I’m too exhausted to do anything. I don’t want to leave my house because I’m so tired, I’m embarrassed when my daughter screams because she’s hungry or she’s tired or she has wind trapped that she just refuses to bring up. I’m so exhausted daily that I feel like I don’t have the energy to go anywhere with my daughter or do anything with my daughter whilst at home. I feel like I’ve neglected friendships because I don’t have the energy to spend time with friends or have friends come to my house to spend time with us. I feel like I’m just being dramatic but I feel like I just need to rant 🤦🏼‍♀️😣

Some babies are just harder than others and it's not at all that you are failing. It sounds like you need a way to get some rest though, you need to be able to take care of yourself too.

@CJ98 honestly, that age is so young and routine etc will come.

My little boy is now 11 months and sleeps brilliantly and is more routine. At that stage he was still up a lot in the night, cat napping , cosleeping, feeding every 3hours etc so do not worry!!!!

We did do some gentle sleep training to work on falling asleep independently at 5 months but on first wake, he got into bed with me. Then one day he just stopping waking and slept through.

Be easy on yourself but I know it's not easy. I would be a green eyes monster when people say a rough night was one or two wakes when I had been up 4/5 and didn't even have my own space.

I wouldn't focus too much about getting wind up

She needs a bit of a burp ( which sometimes you don't hear) then that's it

It's just digestion

Oh I'm sorry OP, big unmumsnetty hugs xx the first baby is an eye opener but you are not failing!! The fact you're even worried about doing a good job tells you how much you care, you are everything your little one needs.
Theres so much advice out there, I don't know if you want anymore (springs to mind maybe baby doesn't need winding at 5months if it's taking an hour, not like when they are newborn and you must, could there be cmpa or something at play with regard to milk, sleep you could stick to a routine if you liked to see if that helped)
But I found things improved a lot post 6months, baby is more active (they are getting their own wind out by being active any way) they are eating food and reducing milk (might help milk issues etc) and become a bit happier as life is less frustrating for them.
I do think it helps to go out everyday, get up get dressed and get out - it does wonders - no one minds if your baby cries (the mums are happy it isn't their one!) you can ask your HV what is on at your children's centres, or find the free rhyme time at your local library.
Hang in there your doing amazing, remember babies are tough! They do what they want 🤣

The thing with the wind is she’ll be kicking off & getting her to burp can take an hour. Or we’ll wind her after a bottle and she’ll be kicking off for an hour until shes a little bit sick. We’ve noticed sometimes she doesn’t need winding so we won’t bother trying but then she’ll just start being sick (when I say she’s sick she’ll bring a little bit of milk up) and it can be like this for atleast 45 minutes after she’s been fed. She can be sick two or three times before she stops kicking off but it can take up to an hour.

Sounds a bit like it might be reflux?

The wind sounds a little unusual maybe at 5months old - could you give your HV team a call to discuss today? Could it be reflux if baby is unhappy after a bottle?

Babies at that age don't usually have problems with wind. Speak to a hv for advice

My health visitor thinks it could be reflux but due to the fact my daughter is gaining weight she has no concerns she’s just told me to continue burping her, & make sure she’s upright when feeding 🤷🏼‍♀️

My HV does think she has a little bit of reflux but she’s just said that because my daughter is gaining weight she has no concerns, she’s just told me to continue burping her, make sure she’s upright when I’m feeding.

Is your daughter unhappy after feeds?

She’s not unhappy all the time. I think it’s more so when she’s got herself worked up before we feed her. We struggle more with her sleeping than her feeding.

Just go with the flow. It’s not what you expected, that’s ok. Let go of your expectations. She’s fine, gaining weight . She might not be easy as other babies, that’s just how it is. You’re doing great.

i was like you, but so much stress was me thinking how things should be rather than what they were

You are doing just fine. Some babies are very tricky. The less sleep you get the harder it is to deal with the tricky baby. Other people always look like they are having it easier and this is either because they have easy babies or because they have finally managed to get out of the house and are putting a brave face on it but also because they have finally ones suffering like you are stuck hidden away.

Take a deep breath and realise that this is all quite normal (even when it seems impossible )and you are doing what needs to be done. Give yourself a hug.

Now separately you need to work on each specific problem and get some suggestions as you have already started to do.

I had twins with reflux and amongst many other tips I discovered that putting blocks under the cot feet to raise the head of the cot slightly helps with wind, reflux and incidentally colds as well.

Xx

Please don't get down on yourself. You're not the first to be in this position. I also had a baby who was hard work. He fussed constantly, wouldn't sleep, wouldn't be put down, screamed and screamed over I don't know what etc. It was an actual nightmare.

You'll get through it. But you need to look after yourself. That means no negative self talk about being a failure. You're not a failure. You're working really hard and I'm sure you're doing a great job.

I’ve been there. Not with the exact same issues, but I used to feel very anxious about looking after my DC by myself when they were young babies. Keep pushing on as best you can. It does get better, it really does.

We’ve started tilting her head up on a night when she’s asleep as we’ve found it helps her sleep longer at night, she hates being laid flat so we’ve got to tilt her a little.

I honestly love my daughter to bits and I knew it was going to be hard but my god I didn’t think it would be this hard. For the last 5 months I’ve been getting no more than 4-5 hours sleep for the first three months I was up every 2 hours during the night with her. My partner is absolutely amazing but unfortunately with him working so much I do feel like a single parent a lot and I know it can’t be helped with him working and he does what he can but I don’t think he understands how difficult it is going through having no sleep on a night and then having to deal with her all day when neither of us have slept. I know things will get easier I think I just needed a rant 🤦🏼‍♀️

You are not failing.

Once they get to sitting up themselves at about 6 months this can massively help with wind, and they can sort of do it themselves.

You also need some sleep! We are coming up on xmas so hopefully your dh will be around a bit. Get him to take over for an extra session with the sole purpose of allowing you to catch up on a few hours sleep either in the morning, evening or afternoon nap. Everything seems better after some sleep.

She sounds like my daughter she had severe silent reflux and multiple food allergies. Silent reflux often doesn't impact weight and despite my daughter never having weight issues she has been on medication for her reflux since 6 weeks. She is now 4 and on 3 reflux medications and under 2 paediatricians for her reflux.
I would speak to your GP, it is super infuriating that reflux is only classed as a problem if it impacts weight. It took until nearly 5 months for my daughter to get adequate reflux treatment as her GP hadn't factored silent reflux into the mix and was only treating her reflux which is not as severe and was dismissive that it was a problem as she had ok weight gain but did move up the percentiles once on good reflux treatment and I started removing her allergens from my diet.
Look after yourself too, I developed severe treatment resistant pnd and the difficulties we had with my daughter during her first year has been recognised as a significant factor in my depression

I know exactly what you mean. I knew looking after a baby was going to be challenging, but it totally took me by surprise how bad it was. I felt so guilty because I absolutely hated it and thought I'd made a terrible mistake. I loved my son but I felt totally inadequate, especially because I got no more sleep than you've had. I went six months not getting more than five hours in a row. It did massively improve from six months in terms of being settled when awake and also willingness to sleep alone. But before that, I genuinely thought I'd lost my marbles with it.

Please do see if your partner can do anything so you can at least lie in bed in the dark for a couple of hours regularly. You really do need to look after yourself if you're going to be able to look after the baby. He needs to look after you so you can do that, so never feel guilty about making arrangements to rest as much as possible.

Feeding every 3 hours is totally normal, ignore what your HV says. Some babies drink a lot every four hours, some drink less more often. My baby is the latter too. It doesn't sound like wind if you're having to wind her for an hour. If you get nothing after 5 minutes stop trying. Sounds more like reflux tbh if a little bit comes up after feeding..