How to decide on another baby?

[Rach7291]

We always said we would try for another once DD is 1. It took us 5 years to fall pregnant and she is a miracle! I grew up an only child so I want DD to have a sibling. The problem is I have really struggled with being lonely, depression and anxiety. I don't know if I can do it all again. DD is 6.5months old now. The reason we said we would try again so soon is because my partner is 50 next year and we don't want him being too old. I'm really torn, don't know what to do!

How old are you OP?

@Pandasnacks sorry I should have said! I'm 33 almost 34

Do you work OP, if so would going back to work sooner benefit you?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers i do work, i'm off until June. I don't have alot of friends/family around so childcare is an issue. Plus we tried for so long to have DD that I want to spend as much time as possible with her

The age of your partner means there is increased risk of disabilities. My oldest is on the autism pathway, evidence of autism outside the home is subtle and she is doing very well at school but it’s hard work. I’m not sure I would want to be dealing with that in my 60s.

@Jingleberryalltheway i know, this is what i'm worried about.

What is it that worries you about sticking at 1?

@Pandasnacks i grew up an only child and hated it. I remember how lonely I felt

Would you consider donor (younger) sperm?

@JimHalpertsWife no, my partner really wants another baby of his own. We've agreed that we would try for a set amount of time then thats it.

What is it that made you loanly? With a large age gap between you, you can't have a baby because he wants one as it's likely to be you doing the heavy lifting, especially when they are teens

Hi OP.
I think you need to feel ready - not your partner so much.
It’s your body that is going to go through it. I have just had my 2nd at 33 and my body feels OLD now. I couldn’t have anymore because I don’t want to put my body through that again.

your mental health is another factor! be sure you’re in a good place to go through the trimesters and all it brings, and then the postpartum period too.

I have to say, with 2 it doesn’t feel lonely over here. My 2yo keeps me so happy - he was our miracle too like your baby.

Sending love ❤️

@Pandasnacks he's happy either way. Ideally we would have liked him not to be so old but it did take 5 years

@Twinkletwinklelil its so difficult to know what to do. I always dreamed of having 2 children, we never planned on it taking so long!

I’m an only child OP and I recognise what you are saying about feeling lonely sometimes. What I will say is that being an only child equips you SO well for having an only child yourself. You know better than anyone else what you want and need when you don’t have a sibling and can really give your little one a fantastic childhood.

I understand the desire for a sibling though. I had DC2 coming up to 5 years after DC1. It is quite a baptism of fire having two kids and I’m still getting used to managing a “sibling” relationship as a parent. It isn’t all roses I promise haha!

I think you are in the trenches at the moment with such a young child, I think it’s hard to see that life gets easier and the years go by quickly (days are long though). Maybe I’m biased but I think 2 children is great, even with all the fighting my kids have eachother. I don’t think having 2 children has made me double stressed.
id probably pursue trying but look for help of support for your mental health issues. I’d also look at possibly returning so some type of work part time if for your sanity

I totally understand. But I do honestly think you need to ensure your health is good first- it takes a toll. Even the trying stage does, doesn’t it?
maybe you could “try” and not do anything to stop it from happening? Then that way you’re in a happy medium?
we did that with our last. We weren’t actively trying but weren’t stopping it from happening either.. because we wanted another but not sure when, but whenever it did happen it was a huge blessing either way.

I think there are significant potential downsides to either decision (but very different so hard to compare)... So I'd take my roll of the dice with a limited trying time and then accept whatever life gave me.

Having 2 very young children is a real challenge and would likely make your isolation worse as it gets much harder to leave the house when you are juggling 2. It's also recommended by doctors to wait 18m between pregnancies to allow your body to fully recovers, so I would leave at least that much time before trying.

We have 2 dc and it's much harder work than just 1, although we have a decent age gap which made it easier as the eldest was fairly independent, verbal and toilet trained. Your DP's age is an issue but you are still young and you shouldn't feel pressured to rush the decision before you are ready.