Long distance co-parenting experience?

[Sheaintheavyshesmymother]

Looking for some insight into co-parenting across a very long distance.

We are co-parenting our child in the same city right now but my ex is so depressed and lonely here. I think we need to consider if it would be possible for him to move nearer friends and family and co-parent our child in a different way.

What are you experiences of this? How did you share the care of your child? How did your child cope?

Our child is 4. Thanks

I think it would be very hard with a 4 yo. DH and I waited until SD was 12 and she naturally stopped coming over as often as her life started to revolve more around her friends and school activities. This has meant she's able to travel to us on the train without needing an adult to travel with her. It's also different with an older child as their memory and understanding is better, they can communicate by phone and text and so the relationship stays stronger when apart. A 4 yo is likely to quickly lose connection with a parent he only sees every few weeks.

I think it's very difficult and would require a great deal of compromise and hard work.

But if you are happy for him to move, then ifyou're all willikng to put the effort in, then it can work, even if it's not ideal.

I would highly recommend that if this happens he has to be committed to putting the effort into travelling to see your DC reglarly - including for the big events etc, regular calls (even if they're short ones as your DC is still very young), paying his share etc.

Yes this is my concern. I’m just conscious our child already is starting to not want to see their dad as the atmosphere is bad, he’s just so low. I wondered if it would be better to see him less frequently but it be a positive experience.

There doesn’t seem to be any options that’s ideal sadly so just trying to figure out which is the least damaging. Really appreciate your input thanks.

It's hard to say. How far away are we talking?

I think that if it's not working as it is, there might well be a point at which you have to stop flogging a dead horse. However, just be careful - I know nothing abour your situation but if he's moping around making no effort (and is part of the problem that he didn't wnat to break up in the first place) the chances are that this will continue once he moves away. I'm slightly nervous or suspicious becyase you're not saying, "exDP wants to move away for his mental health. He's assured me he'll do x, y, z to facilitate long term contact" so my naturally cynical head is wondering if this is a pattern where he allows you to play mum and manage him, and he gets out of taking responsibility for anything.

Of course, a dad who is around but unhelpful/unpleasant/unhappy is not helpful either.

As a step parent and step child I think you should think very carefully about this.

Living far apart from each other has many consequences such as

The NRP living too far from the school to ever have the child in the week, meaning there is no flexibility on this and the RP has to do all of the "grunt work"
The child can't join any weekend clubs or gymnastic classes etc so can't persue their interests
When the child joins school there will be birthday parties etc so parents will either need to ferry the child back and forth, or miss out on seeing them unless they are very selfish and would prevent the child from attending
When children get older and have their own social lives this will her worse. Why should children have to choose between seeing their dad and their mates at a weekend?
In an emergency the childs father can't be there quickly. Do you have anyone else who could take him very short notice if needed?

This move will make all of your lives harder.

3 hour flight

Youre not cynical, just astute! At present all the responsibility lies on me anyway so it couldn’t get too much worse…but it could get a bit better if he’s at least happier and more positive when he sees her for four weeks in summer and every second weekend (or however we arranged it).

These are all big things to think about, thanks. Yes I agree it would become a lot more problematic from a logistical POV. I have 100% of the grunt work right now plus the stress of having to constantly organise myself around his behaviour and mental health so for me it would certainly get easier not harder. But wouldn’t want that to drive my decision. I think as my child gets older they will start refusing to go to their fathers if he continues to behave like this so I would love to do anything I can to head that off.

A 3 hour flight away is not conducive to ‘co-parenting’. How on earth do you think it will work?

I know… (I don’t think this is an amazing plan by the way but I am really struggling to come up with ideas of how we carry on). Roughly the plan would be that they would have one weekend a month together and then our child would go to him for longer periods in the holidays.

I guess I am playing very fast and loose with the term co-parenting. Effectively I would be full parenting and he would just be maintaining a relationship. Maybe that would have been a better way to frame this enquiry! How to maintain parent child relationships long distance.

Oh wow, I thought you meant maybe 2-3 hours drive away. I don't think you can co-parent effectively in different countries. Is the current plan that he flies to you once a month? I think very quickly the stress and expense will make that unsustainable. Bear in mind that there is 10 years to go before DS can travel as an unaccompanied minor so any visits there will necessitate XH flying over, meeting him, and flying back with him, or you going with him. Unless you are both millionaires I can't see him seeing much of DS at all.