Critical Mother

[Rumpelstiltskin1]

I have a mirror-image problem, I think. How do I heal or protect myself from my critical parents? (Much of the criticism revolves around my home which they hint is in a run-down and unclean state). But also, how do I ensure I have a healthy relationship with my DD (age 5)? She often refuses to do what she is asked, particularly around hair-brushing, having nails clipped, letting me treat her eczema etc. I don't want to criticise her, but she can have matted hair and bleeding skin some days.
I wish I didn't need to see my parents so often. They do regular childcare for my 2 children, but I think they see themselves as the 'proper adults' in my childrens' lives and this is just making me feel resentful and insecure. I'm just realising how screwed up I am as an adult, and I'm questioning lots of aspects of my childhood etc. Any ideas what to do?

I'll add that recently my mother is obsessed with wanting to 'help' me around the house, however it just feels like constant criticism from where I'm sitting. She will actively dissuade me from having guests over (including my dad) because of the 'state' of my home. (Single parent here, working nearly full time, with two kids, in a small house, which could do with redecoration and new kitchen, but I'll need to save up for that).

I'm sorry about the way your mum is treating you.

In terms of your DD, you have to do things for health/safety reasons even if she doesn't want to.

'I know you don't like it when mummy clips your nails but they have to be clipped so you don't scratch yourself or others'. There's no choice here and you're not criticising her by doing that.

Your mum seems to be having a really negative affect on you. Have you had therapy? Could you look into other childcare options?

What would happen if you said things like 'Don't come to my house mum i know you think it's messy'. 'Yes mum I'm working hard and saving up so I can sort the house'. 'It's my house and I'm happy with the way it is'. And just stop engaging with the criticism?

It's really hard OP my mum is similar and I've reduced contact massively.

She often refuses to do what she is asked, particularly around hair-brushing, having nails clipped, letting me treat her eczema etc.

How is she at school? Do they have any concerns over her behaviour?

Have the Doctors managed to find a trigger for the Eczema? Mine and my DSis can get it with CMPA.

My DC2 is ND and really isn't keen on hair brushing. How does your DD score on the five year Social & Emotional Ages & Stages?

I wish I didn't need to see my parents so often. They do regular childcare for my 2 children

Are you able to get any other Childcare? Would UC help with that?

I'll add that recently my mother is obsessed with wanting to 'help' me around the house, however it just feels like constant criticism from where I'm sitting.

It's difficult not to take it that way but could you give her a job to do? If she particularly likes a job like ironing for instance could you say something like "oh Mum, it would be really helpful if you ironed DD's uniforms for next week"

Any ideas what to do?

I'd advise getting therapy. It sounds as though you have a critical Mum and a DD who is hard work and you're trying to cope with a job and two DC on your own

Have you tried telling your DM how you feel?

Matted hair. How long is it? If she won't let you keep it nice have it done as a pixie cut. Girls used to have short hair, it doesn't need to be long.