Please please help toddler sleep

[Katbum]

Hello.

I am desperate so please be gentle. I have done everything wrong with my daughter when it comes to sleep and I am now at my wits end. She is two years old on Friday and her sleep is a disaster; she is still breastfeeding and is addicted to my breast. She wants it in her mouth all night and screams blue murder if I try to take it away. She wakes up at least twice per hour on a bad night, which is frequent. Good nights are 3-4 wakes. She sleeps with me, she has since 3 months although does have her own bed which she will only sleep in when I sleep there with her. During the day she is delightful, lovely, developmentally normal and exceeding her milestones, sociable and funny. But sleep is appalling. An hour or more to get her to sleep and then as above. Her dad does Thursdays when I go out and she is the same with him but will fall asleep without boob when he is there (still takes ages and she wakes loads etc). What do I do? Who can help me? I visited my gp and her advice was to ‘wean off the breast which will be easy as girls are easier to wean than boys.’ Wtf? I will pay anything to sleep again. I am so unwell and sad. My marriage is a mess. Someone help me.

Bless you - you sound at the end of your tether. It is fixable.
Firstly what are your thoughts about continuing to breast feed? I think this will determine the way forward. Have you read anything about the different sleep training techniques? Is she in her own room/bed?

Thanks for replying. Yes and insane with sleep deprivation and really unwell. My immune system is shot. I am happy to wean her off the breast but it is honestly not easy. I work full time so during the evening she wants to be close and gets hysterical if she can’t have ‘boob’. She has her own room and a bed that she will sleep in, but only if I am in the bed too. In fact she prefers her room but it’s not comfy for me to contort myself into a toddler bed all night.

My DC at 2 wasn’t ready to wean and still very reliant on breastfeeds, even through the night. We did however start offering milky ready brek before bed at around 12mo and have carried this on ever since, as it seems to help with sleeping for longer. We also did gentle sleep training. More sleep all round and we’re semi sane now. Apart from the fact that baby no.2 is due to arrive next year…

Hi OP.
firstly, I really feel your pain. Been there and it’s so hard.
secondly.. if you are ready to wean.. it’s probably time.
my DS was 22 m when I weaned a very boob/addicted baby. For me it was important he understood what I was saying, by 2 they should know right?
so we stopped feeding in the day (I think between 18/20 months) and replacing with distraction, a game, play, snack, drink.
at night it was so hard, I didn’t like him crying so I’d always give in - but I really couldn’t do it one night.
I told him it was finished at 2am, he cried and whinged for an hour, had some water and went to sleep. Got up again around 6am asking again and I said it’s finished.. water.. back to sleep.

you’ll need to do it in baby steps, ours was day time feeds have to stop and a letting else needs to be given then we tackled night time. He’s slept much better for it too. First few weeks were so hard, he would take a while to settle for sleep but now, we cuddle up and he nods off happily. Takes a while but it is so worth it.

I think your needs are more important. She’s 2 - she doesn’t need to be reliant on breastfeeding now if it’s detrimental to your wellbeing.
It seems that she is dependent on the breast as a sleep association and I know there isn’t an easy approach but she has to learn to sleep independently at some point. I think you will wait a long time for her to do it on her own.
OP sleep training is always controversial but the key is finding a method that suits you so that you can be consistent. You don’t have to do it alone.
Sorry - I was always no nonsense about sleep with mine because I couldn’t deal with what you are going through. I appreciate others have a different view.

Elizabeth Pantley wrote No-Cry Sleep Solutions for Toddlers. It's basically a collection of 100 or so solutions that worked for other mums. I presume you don't want to go down controlled crying route. Can you book yourself for a week in a hotel to win your daughter off the breast? Your husband will probably need to take a week off work

I'm so sorry @Katbum, it sounds like you're having a really hard time of it. I hate to be this person, but it does seem like weaning would help you. Taper down and then stop day feeds first if you're doing them. Does she take cows' milk? You could try breaking the association between feeding (for comfort) and sleep by offering milk before bath rather than after, so she's definitely full, and then I'm afraid it's a matter of explaining that there's no boob to be had any more and meaning it. Easier said than done, I know, but I remember our DD was tyrannical about the boob at one point, and implementing a boundary gently but firmly and consistently was the thing that saved us. You just have to be more stubborn about it than she is. But we weren't co-sleeping and never really had, so granted, it was easier for us to do.

Perhaps gentle sleep training? There are lots of methods to choose from, but I think even the most gentle approaches take some nerves of steel patience from mum & dad. I'm not going to lie, it was somewhat brutal for us at first (me especially), but we just couldn't cope with how things were, and thankfully it worked wonders in a really short amount of time (though it felt like forever!) Now, DD is 2.5 years and while she still sometimes gives us the runaround at bedtime, she does sleep through in her bed. Good luck, and before you try cracking this again, find a way to take yourself off for some rest - even if it's just a day's annual leave spent dozing in a hotel spa!

In my experience I would recommend that you start teaching your 2 year old to fall asleep without a boob in her mouth, so gently unlatch them when it is time to sleep and expect to give lots of cuddles, but hold firm with the boundary of not getting the boob back out as they fall asleep.

I'd also make sure you have a good sippy cup of water available, so that if they are thirsty then they can have a drink. Ditto, if they have sore teeth, make sure you have teething gel and ibuprofen at the ready.

Once they've fallen asleep without a boob in their mouth, set a timer and don't get out the boob until the end of the timer. This could be 3 hours as a start, and then after that feed, wait another 3 hours before getting the boob out again etc. Gradually stretch this to 4 hours, 5 hours etc.

This is a key age for setting boundaries and for them testing them, so try to see it as a boundary like any other, although that's easier said than done! Good luck

Also, it will take a while for them to start eating enough in the day to stop the night waking, but once you stop feeding so much they will eat more food in the daytime

Also be mindful breast milk contains a lot of sugar. My friend's daughter has ruined teeth from feeding on and off every night till about age 2.5. My friend discovered breast milk sugar content too late

that’s ropey advice at best IMO. I bf until DC was just turned 3. Perfect teeth. If they are taking the milk as they should, it shouldn’t be staying on or around the teeth all that much. Are you sure it’s not just from sugary food / bad dental hygiene?

The OP has stated her daughter is feeding on and off all night long. Just as my friend's daughter was until about 2.5 years. Breast milk does contain a lot of sugar. I exclusively breastfed both children, perfect teeth. But they didn't feed all night long beyond baby's age.

Thank you everyone. Am reading these and will start weaning after Xmas (I think travelling to family and trying to wean at the same time a recipe for disaster!) - hoping some light at the end of the tunnel as this cannot go on.

Weaning didn’t help my two year old. He still woke; it just took him a lot longer to get him back to sleep. I really regretted it.

It clicked for him just before 2.5, and he now wakes once a night, and is back asleep within 5 minutes or so. Sometimes he sleeps through. That felt light years away.

It’s an urban myth that breastfeeding causes tooth decay. The latch position to be able to release milk puts it away from teeth. Don’t worry about that.

Op you are absolutely as important as person as your child and this is completely not sustainable. I can't believe you've lasted as long as you have! Nightweaning asap. The Jay Gordon method is really helpful.
I know some would not agree but when a child is this dependent on the breast for sleep I think it's clearer and kinder to just stop cold rather than cut down. Less confusing and over more quickly.
Tell your lo that there's no more milk at night as you need to get some sleep. Tell her Daddy will stay with her for first 3 nights, then you'll be back to co sleep with her for cuddles if she wants. Tell her tonight is the last night of milk. Then stop. And never, ever feed at night again. You're in for a few rough nights but you've had 2 years of rough nights so it's time for it to end.
Both of mine were night weaned at 14m and 8m, ie when I stopped wanting to feed at night. Both then fed during the day til 3.
You can do this!

My DC also wanted night feeds, not for nutrition at 2, but for comfort, but there’s no evidence that breastmilk actively causes tooth decay. We’ve been breastfeeding since the dawn of time as humans, only since we’ve introduced sugar into our daily diets that tooth decay in infants had become an issue.