Help me stop being so critical of DD6

[Redhothoochycoocher]

I have 2 DDs. DD4 and DD6. For some reason I am so hugely critical of DD6. She is a smart, hilariously funny, curious, fiercely independent little girl, super creative and imaginative. As well as loving her, I LIKE her so much.
Despite all of this, some days I struggle to get through anything without telling her stop this/do that/behave like this, not like that/why are you doing that/do it like this. I'm so fed up of hearing myself correct her all the time. I've learnt this from my own mum who constantly corrected my behaviour even though I was incredibly well behaved. I'm worried it's now doing a number on her self esteem as it did on me. Tonight - after an evening of much correcting - she's said to me she hates herself and wishes she could be reborn. I cant help but connect this to me constantly commenting and not picking. I feel awful and even while I'm doing it, I find myself apologising to her for it. What's wrong with me and how can I stop doing this! I don't do it to my youngest DD for some reason

I think it’s an age when they’ve now pretty capable so you start to have higher expectations of them.

Also they’re past that cute stage where they can pull off playing up.

Sometimes my 6yo infuriates me because I know she knows how not t mess around / do the little but irritating things she’s doing. So I have try and not sweat the small stuff.

Some examples btw -
Chewing on her coat
Banging a balloon I was holding over and over again
Licking crumbs from the cake stand
Fiddling with Xmas presents that were under the tree

Part of my issue is that she doesn't stop when I tell her, she perseveres with what she is doing with vigour until it breaks. She's chewed her coat to a hole, she was grabbing at the cake so much a pulled the stand away and knocked her sister on the head with it, she fiddled with the presents so much that the wrapping tore. She doesn't understand the value of things and so has no issue in breaking or damaging things.

Have you considered counselling? It sounds as if you are repeating a pattern of behaviour that you have some insight to but can't stop.

Maybe there's two issues - you picking/correcting, and her impulsive/sensory seeking behaviour?

Two things you could try - instead of telling her to stop something, tell her to do something else eg instead of telling her to stop fiddling with the Christmas presents, could you have called her over to you to help with something or just have a cuddle?
And if she can't stop doing something, can you just remove the thing instead of nagging? Ask once to stop banging the balloon then just put it away or out of reach.

As you have a younger one is there any chance she is doing these things as she knows it will get your attention? It’s so easy to expect the older one to be less trouble but obviously they still need their Mum.
The way out of it might be to make a big effort to notice and praise the things she does well. It’s hard as it is much easier to notice any negative behaviour.
In management speak I think it is called a shit sandwich. You can only say one negative thing if it is preceded and followed by a lovely bready compliment.

@Redhothoochycoocher thats tough as that sounds like it is behaviour that does really need correcting.

I have a 4 yo DD and find myself doing similar, Im worried about home feeling a negative place for her as it feels like we are constantly on at her but she just won’t bloody behave! 🙈

She might be seeking your attention by doing these things, negative attention is better than feeling lonely and ignored. Can you increase moments of connection between you, or try playful/daft ways of redirecting behaviours “give me a taste of that coat!!” Playing keeps uppy with the balloon, “I love how much you love cake!” Or something to make you both feel a little more lighthearted?

Instead of saying no/stop try and re-frame it into labelling the behaviour you do want to see. E.g. instead of “Sophie stop running” it would be “Sophie walk with Mummy”. I find this comes across as more positive and is easier for them to understand what they are meant to be doing.

Have you read - the book you wish your parents had read by Philippa Perry? I highly recommend.

For the sensory seeking behaviour you need to help her find other appropriate sources of input. Chewy toys, peanut ball, fidget toys, slime, what ever fits her needs.

Ideally for a child who already has positive self esteem you want 4 positives for every negative. Start focusing on the negatives and notices positives. At bedtime give her a summary of all the things she has done today which you’re proud of.

This sounds a lot like us before DS was diagnosed with inattentive-type ADHD (many years ago).

I remember the occupational therapist telling me that the self-esteem of children and teens with ADHD is often at rock bottom because of this exact thing — all day, every day is a drip, drip of correction and reprimands. Even if most of those are gentle, of course it adds up. The mental health implications can be significant.

I don’t mean to make you feel worse. I’ve been there! It’s so hard. You want to teach them the right way to be safe, healthy, considerate and so on. But you have to take a step back if your DD feels as she does. You are absolutely right to take your own responsibility in this seriously and reflect on it. Good luck

Thank you for all your compassionate replies. I'm really grateful. This morning DD had latched onto a phrase and was saying it over and over. Instead of asking her to stop, I put her favourite song on and we had a boogie in the kitchen! So simple. Bedtime was a lot better too. Just got to work on staying calm/not getting so triggered. She's a wonderful child, will be an amazing adult one day. Thanks again

To quickly add:

Yes, I have read Philippa Perry's book. Agree it's great, and I've held onto the idea of rupture and repair.

I think DDs behaviour is a combo of sensory seeking/ attention seeking/boundary testing.

I do A LOT of noticing the good. I'm a primary school teacher so this is drilled into me. Same with specific praise and praising effort instead of outcome.

I have therapy starting in the new year so will be able to explore these things more. In fact, part of the reason I'm starting therapy is because my parents did some damage (no neglect or abuse but both mentally/emotionally troubled while I was growing up) and I want to put it to bed so i can be a better mum.

Thanks again for taking the time to give your input

Great update, you will get there good parenting is hard.