High needs baby - I am not coping/help

[Peanutbutterislife]

DS2 12weeks old - textbook high needs. My first son was as well but somehow this one is ACTUALLY HARDER 😞

I just need someone to tell me it’s ok to feel like I want to escape and cry all the time?

He has to be with me and only me / won’t take a bottle or dummy / comfort nurses 24/7 even in the baby carrier - the only place he will actually nap so I’m walking 20k steps a day and I’m tired to the bone / fights naps and is permanently overtired

I miss my 3.5yr old and feel I’m abandoning him as I’m constantly trying to get my baby to sleep in the bloody carrier and can’t even sit on the sofa for snuggles.

Husband and I haven’t seen each other since he was born basically fighting fire every single night through bedtime screaming and crying.

I feel honestly depressed and devastated that this is where we are and have no idea what to do or how it will get better. Worried this is us until he’s a toddler which feels like a lifetime away. I didn’t even want to breastfeed this long and it’s impacting my mental health so much having him latched ALL THE TIME. He’s got a tongue tie but apparently “mild and thick” so difficult to sort. Weight gain good. Don’t think it’s reflux.

can we even sleep train a LO of this temperament???!!!

No advice but my kids have both been like this and its like torture...
Obviously you know it will get easier as the baby grows but it doesn't help in the moment that they're crying.
I think when they're breast feeding crazy you have to get to 6 months when they start weaning before you even get a break... And then by 8 months you can start leaning them a bit more as they can fill on food much better.

I would honestly say just do whatever it takes to get to 4 months, then 6, then 8. This isn't what normal life will be like so just do all the short term stuff you need to get by x

“Husband and I haven’t seen each other since he was born basically fighting fire every single night through bedtime screaming and crying”

I actually think it’s pretty normal to feel like this with the second baby and heightened if colicky. You feel like you should know how to parent a baby but also have another child to look after.
My advice is to just do what you have to do to get through, stop feeling guilty or like you are not doing everything right. The motto everyone fed, no one dead is useful for assessing your day.
It does get easier month by month and in my experience a difficult baby is not a difficult toddler. Most children have phases where they are high needs but barring disability they are usually just phases.
In the meantime do what you can to make things easier, roping in a helpful friend/relative, buying ready meals, paying for short term help if affordable etc
If you married a decent man he will pull his weight and still be there when things settle down and you get quality couple time again.

My DD was the same, she had cmpa. Was a different baby once we had cut dairy.

Gosh, I remember that desperate exhausted guilt. I absolutely agree with @FlatCapt "Everyone fed, no-one dead". Go easy on yourself lovely. This is hard, but it's not forever. X x x

You poor thing, it’s absolutely exhausting I know. DS2 was really high needs, my late MIL was an angel and really helped us. Have you got anyone who can help you at all? Don’t be too proud to accept and offer, so you can rest etc. I have never forgotten the help my late MIL willingly provided kept me sane tbh. It honestly will get easier in time I promise. Good luck.

Thank you all for your replies - the kindness of strangers as they say, I do feel better knowing it can be “normal” to experience such a difficult time with a newborn. It’s frustrating because I find I feel incompetent seeing other mums with babies in prams / sleeping through the night etc., but have to accept that’s just not what is happening and not one bit to do with parenting just luck of the draw.

youre all right re easier toddlers, hoping that’s the case here. My DS1 is the most gorgeous easy toddler now after being a tough little baby to please. Just scary that this new baby is actually even harder….when on earth will it improve.

I only want to EBF until 6m months ish as I actually don’t enjoy it, but not even sure how to give it up when it’s his only source of food and comfort currently….

@Biroclicker what weee your little ones symptoms??? We have poo explosions and mucous but not sure that’s what it would be down to?

thanks again all xx

Mucous and poo explosions can be signs of allergy. As you are breast feeding you could try eliminating things one by one from your diet. As I understand it you would need to do each food group for a week to see if there is any improvement. Dairy would be the one to try first as it is quite common.

One DC had mucous and poo explosions, the other just screamed. Both responded to no dairy or soya (exclude both).

@Biroclicker in what ways did they improve once you excluded? And how long did you exclude for ? Thanks!

Sounds like my CMPA EBF baby. He was diagnosed when we gave him yoghurt at 6 months, but it hadn’t been picked up earlier because his weight gain was brilliant. With hindsight, that was because he was feeding all the bloody time for comfort because he had tummy pains. Also had the pop explosions and mucus is a telltale sign. Definitely worth trying cutting out dairy.

Could you get a second opinion on the tongue tie? If he is wanting to feed constantly it might be that he finds feeding tiring from the tongue tie and if that's snipped he might do longer more effective feeds? Just a thought❤️

I had a high needs baby who comfort nursed all day, don’t think he ever took a full feed literally just grazed all day. Only slept in the carrier but fought every single nap for like an hour each time whilst I swayed and walked and killed my back but if he didn’t get enough sleep he would scream from being overtired at 9pm. It was hard. But he was still a dream. I walked around for every nap in the carrier until he was 7 months. Then he allows me to rock and nurse him to sleep and then sit on the sofa (holding him the whole time though of course). He was around 12 months old before I could leave him in bed for nap and around 19 months before I could roll away and he’d stay asleep. He also went through a phase at around 6-9 months (when they develop object permanence) of breaking into tears if I put him down or left the room for half a second. The good definitely outweighed the bad because I was and am still obsessed with him but wow it was very full on.

He’s 2 now and he’s the most well behaved angel boy I know. A good listener, barely tantrums, can be reasoned with, loves to sit and draw when we go out to restaurants, I get a whole 2 hour nap in the middle of the day to chill and catch up with whatever I need to catch up on. He’s even fell asleep in his stroller/car seat a couple of times since late toddlerhood. I’m on cloud 9 tbh. Of course there is still hard times too as he has just turned 2 so we can’t expect miracles but it definitely gets easier so hang tight.

My DD was similar - wanted to feed constantly and if she wasn't feeding she was crying. Would only tolerate being held by me or sleeping on me. I suspected she was tongue tied but when I asked a midwife and then the health visitor to check they both told me she looked fine and 'all newborns want to feed all the time'. I remember feeling utterly overwhelmed, tearful and exhausted (sending you a virtual hug, it's so, so hard!)

In the end I went to a local breastfeeding drop-in group and the lactation consultant did me a referral to a tongue tie specialist. Turned out DD did have a tie (50% tied so not a particularly severe one) and we had it cut. It made such a difference - after a few days she no longer needed to constantly feed and she started sleeping decent stretches. I'd say it's definitely worth getting a specialist opinion on the tongue tie if possible as even a relatively mild one could be causing issues. My DD managed to maintain her weight centile (which is why the health visitor didn't think she had an issue) but it was only because she was literally permanently latched to me trying to feed every minute she was awake! Hope things improve for you all soon xx

Get a set of ear defenders. One with blue tooth or radio so you can still be entertained. Seriously it is very calming.

Your baby sounds like a completely normal baby to me. My third was very clingy like this but there were times when she just had to be put safely into her cot and get on with it. I had three under five and the needs of the other two had to be met. I’m not saying it’s ok to leave a baby to cry it out but honestly, that’s what sometimes had to happen. I suddenly realised after a bit that she wasn’t crying so much. Anyway, my third clingy baby still loves her hugs and cuddles but now she’s the happiest of my three. Sometimes the baby just has to wait their turn. As parents we do our very best but we aren’t super human. Please don’t feel guilty if your toddler needs you and the baby has to wait a bit. 💐

My dd was like this and I cracked when she was 3 months and bought the contented little baby book. I know routines aren’t for everyone but having some sort of plan in place definitely helped my mental health.

With the symptoms you describe, I'd definitely try eliminating dairy and soya for a couple of weeks. If it's stomach pain from CMPA, you could see a dramatic improvement. (My baby like this, it was reflux, and it was an absolute game changer when we got her pain under control.)