Guild about going back to work

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I’m struggling with a lot of guilt right now because I’ve decided to go back to work nearly full-time (33 hours). My partner isn’t on board with this idea, and his mum thinks I’m being selfish and that the kids will really struggle at nursery—they say they’re too little to be away from me for the whole day.

But I really want this change. Maybe it is a little selfish, but I’m tired of being a full-time mum, and I want to feel like me again. I’ve never been extremely maternal. I love my kids deeply, but motherhood and housework have never come naturally to me. I struggle with isolation and loneliness, and I feel so burned out.

For context, I have two little ones close in age. My son was 14 months old when my daughter was born. I didn’t go back to work after my son because we couldn’t afford two full-time nursery spots. When my daughter turned one, I started a remote admin job for 8 hours a week, which I could fit around parenting.

Now my kids are 4 and nearly 3, and with 30 free childcare hours, we can just about afford two nurseries. Financially, me going back to work won’t make a huge difference because of childcare costs. But mentally, I think it will make a huge difference for me. I’ve lost my confidence and sense of self over the past few years.

Yesterday, my partner said that by going back to work, I’m “just dumping the family,” and it hurt so much.

I’m not really sure why I’m posting—maybe just to share and see if anyone else has been in a similar situation. The mum guilt is unreal, and I feel so torn. Any support or advice would mean a lot right now.

I think your DH and Mil are being unfair here. Your DC are good ages for childcare which will help them get ready for school- they aren't little babies.

If your DH is so worried, tell him he can go PT so the DC can drop another day at nursery.

Perhaps your DH should be the SAHP if he doesn’t want to use nursery? I went back to full time work when DT’s were six months old - they thrived. Happy babies = happy parents.

Also 'Happy parents = happy children' In this case happy mum = happy children.

Gosh! When I first started to read your post I thought you were going to say that they were really young...they'll absolutely thrive in nursery and it'll be good preparation for school. Maybe your 'D'H is worried because he'll actually have to help more?! I'm about to have my second, I was part time working when my youngest was 4 months old and then with this one I'll be working full time when the youngest is 8 months old. Go and enjoy your work. And if he's that worried, he should drop some hours and help more.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. This is exactly what I’ve been trying to explain to my DH and MIL.

He’s one of those very traditional men who believes that taking care of kids is primarily a woman’s responsibility.

Thank you for the reassurance. The concept of being a SAHP doesn’t exist in my DH’s vocabulary :)

Yes, I think you’ve got it right—he doesn’t want to take on more responsibility with the kids. He frames it differently, saying he has less patience with them, that staying with the kids makes him feel anxious at times, and that the amount of housework overwhelms him. But honestly, that’s not much different from how I’ve felt over the past three years.

his mum thinks I’m being selfish and that the kids will really struggle at nursery

I assume she thinks her son is equally selfish here then

No real advice - just sympathy with how you're feeling, and I really like the idea of forming a guild about going back to work

He’s one of those very traditional men who believes that taking care of kids is primarily a woman’s responsibility.

How convenient for him.

Your mental health and financial independence are important, even if childcare costs are high now (they are a joint expense from both of your incomes anyway, don’t let DP convince you otherwise). It was a joint decision I imagine to have children - your partner sounds pathetic and needs to step up, if anything he is the one who has dumped the family on you.

I think he needs a reality wake up - he’s a parent now and life is very different.

He’ll need to be available to take time off work if they are ill, cover school holidays and inset days. Do drop off and collection etc.

Of course he does. Convenient, isn't it?

Another lazy man hiding behind "tradition".

Your ridiculous MIL can jog right on. 'Too little to be away from you?' What tosh. And yet not too little to be away from her son their FATHER? As in THE OTHER PARENT, the one they share 50% of their DNA with.
Bear NO GUILT. Dust off your work gear and get right back into it.

Bollocks. He needs to step up and do 50% of the parenting and household gruntwork, and you need to go back to work. You want to go back to work, therefore you should go back to work.

He doesn't earn enough for that.

He's very traditional but he's your DP rather than your DH?

He’s one of those very traditional men who believes that taking care of kids is primarily a woman’s responsibility.

And this is your problem. I suspect he is worried is that you will now expect him to do more housework and childcare....which is exactly what should happen.

You really should not feel guilty but you should definitely challenge his attitude. .