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Original poster

"Gran, I wish mum would smile at me more" [sad]

18 replies

QuintessentialShadows · 30/04/2008 23:36

I picked up my son from school, we were chatting as usual in the car, about his day, about buying a boat, about seing the Cathedral from the mainland, and how it looks like from the marina on the island, general pleasant conversation. When I pulled up outside the house, I turned back to look at him, and I smiled. Told him to just go and unlock the door, I would take his stuff, and carry his baby brother into bed (as he was sleeping).

DS1 went in, undressed, washed his hands, went upstairs where gran was waiting with dinner.

My mum said to me when I got up. "He came and sat down at the table, with a very serious look on his face, and said: I wish mum would smile at me more.

Ok, I am sometimes stressed. I urge him to get ready in the mornings, sometimes we are late and sometimes he dawdle. But as soon as we are in the car on on our way, we are chatting all the way, and when he leave I smile and airkiss him bye bye, and wave at him till he is gone in. I think I am "normal" with him most of the time.

I was never aware I dont smile at him!
I never realized he felt like this! I am now questioning my interaction with him like crazy and I dont know what to think. Does he not feal loved? Does he think I am unhappy?

I am cuddling his brother quite a bit, but ds1 is not so cuddly, he just goes "muu-uuum!" and wriggles.

I thought we had a good rapport. We laugh and joke, and I thought we shared humour, laughing at exchanging glances at the same thing. But alas, he wishes I smile at him more. What am I? A sourpuss?

It made me sad. Sorry for going on like this.

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AitchTwoCiao · 30/04/2008 23:38

i'm not surprised it made you sad. might it be something they've been talknig about at school, rather than reflecting on you personally? have you asked him what he meant?

edam · 30/04/2008 23:38

Maybe he was just expressing his feelings right at that minute, rather than giving a detailed analysis of the mother-child relationship over his entire lifetime?

Sorry that it's made you feel so bad. They are very good at it, sometimes.

AgonyBeetle · 30/04/2008 23:41

I wouldn't over-analyse. Try to smile at him more, but don't let yourself think his life has been blighted by you being miserable to him.

After all, dd1 aged about 4 once said, out of the blue while we were waiting to get our books checked out at the library, "Don't hit me, Mummy!"

Needless to say I had never hit her, or anyone else. Dunno where that came from, but I'm sure all the bystanders thought I was the witch of the west.

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avenanap · 30/04/2008 23:43

Oh, you must be feeling so sad. Sometimes we never pick up on the little things that mean alot to someone else. I bet you're tired. This won't make you feel very smiley. There are sneaky ways of getting a cuddle, read a book together and put your arm around him. If you're feeling brave let him put your makeup on for you, it's alot of fun. Just remember that what children say may be different to what is reality though. Maybe the morning rush ment he missed your smile.

Original poster

QuintessentialShadows · 30/04/2008 23:44

No, I havent asked him about it. I just couldnt.
But I have tried to spend more time one on one with him this evening and let his brother scream for attention rather than just assuming ds1 is ok with what he was doing and going to ds2.... And grinned at him. He probably thinks I am going mad!

DS2 is very demanding. He is a screamer. DS1 is very kind and gentle and dont ask too much. Maybe that is it. He feels overlooked? Oh I bet he does. He is in school, I am home with ds2, and when he gets back ds2 wont let me have one moment with ds1 without yelling the house down.

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Original poster

QuintessentialShadows · 30/04/2008 23:47

Oh, and saturday evening he said to me, "mum, I did not see you very much today!" I spent the morning with him and his brother, when my dh woke up we all went out together to buy ds1s birthday present, and after we got home both boys spent time with dh as he doesnt get to see them much in the week. Maybe he does not feel he get enough attention from me.
I have to learn to be better at this.

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AitchTwoCiao · 30/04/2008 23:48

or maybe it doesn't mean anything other than their teacher was talking about how it was nice to smile at people today and he's filtering that back? i'd just ask him, because you'll torture yourself otherwise.

Original poster

QuintessentialShadows · 30/04/2008 23:50

I am going to have to ask him. And stop analyzing this. Clearly I am eaten up by it, but it could be a logical explanation. But if he has some "complaints" about me, this will be his opportunity to raise them, and I will be able to hear him and be a good mum and change whatever it is....

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S1ur · 30/04/2008 23:57

It is sad to hear that but I really think that chn aren't great identifying their feelings let alone at expressing them accurately.

I'd read it as he just meant that he's feeling needy and wants to initiate a bit more individual tactile time with you, and is trying to be all grown up about it but missing the mark a little. In other words I don't think his turn of phrase is either an accurate description of your relationship or even a good description of his feelings.

Ask him if he'd like to do something special together (gardening, shopping, trip to park whatever) and I'm sure it'll all be reassured and lovely.

You know you do smile at him and spend time with him and tell him you love him and he knows this and feels loved and secure - otherwise he'd not be able to come out with such gems! Just sometimes everyone goes through phases when they suddenly want event more. He might have just been saying that.

AitchTwoCiao · 30/04/2008 23:57

exactly, it's the best thing for both of you. if he does want more of your attention then it's the perfect place to start. you know, one of the best nights of my life was when my mum surprised my sister and i with an evening trip to the cinema. i think we were 7 and 5 and we had just had a new wee brother. a bit of time together will be lovely for you both.

S1ur · 30/04/2008 23:58

they want even more

not event

Original poster

QuintessentialShadows · 01/05/2008 00:05

Yes, I shall find time to spend time just with him, and let my husband take our youngest a bit. I came downstairs to look for him after dinner (when my mum told me what he said) just to see what he was doing, and he was sitting playing chess against the computer, not really knowing the rules. So I sat down and we played together. (But then his brother came down to look for me, as he needed me to help feed and put all his dogs to sleep, lol) So maybe that is what we can do, as I know chess, used to be a member of a chess club.

SLUR thank you, I needed to hear that. I do think he is secure and feels loved. I say it a lot, and say things like "my lovely", "honey", "gorgeous", "treasure" and I praise him a lot for his good behaviour and kindness, and for making really good lego constructions, and working hard at his drawings, and for learning new Norwegian vocabularly every day, and I spend time reading with him.

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ChasingSquirrels · 01/05/2008 00:07

tbh I read it as;
Mum just smiled, I like it whem mum smiles, she should do it more (ie in a childlike way - that's ALL you should do).
How old is he - 6ish?
I think you are over-analysing a tad.

Original poster

QuintessentialShadows · 01/05/2008 00:08

And maybe you are right chasingsquirrels. Maybe he was happy and surprised to see the smile so randomly, and wanted more of it.

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ChasingSquirrels · 01/05/2008 00:11

well a nicer thought to go to bed on anyway!
I am SURE that you DO smile at him alot, and have fun time with him.
I have a 5.5yo and a 27mo, the 27mo has been very hard work, and the 5.5yo has had to take a back seat. I just try and find time to do the odd thing with him when I can.

S1ur · 01/05/2008 00:11

QS you sound like a most loving and attentive and considerate parent. And your son sounds very happy, stimulated, loved and intelligent.

I really think he didn't mean anything in the way it sounded to adult ears. Think of it as an experiment in adult phrasing (akin to when my daughter says mummy you shouldn't ask me to put my dinner plate away before you get pudding because that would be a threat )

And also a nudge to do something nice together. Actually it is rather fabulous because it means he really thinks you're great and wants to spend more time with you and have you all to himself. Long may it last

Original poster

QuintessentialShadows · 01/05/2008 00:13

Indeed a much happier note to go to bed on. Thank you!

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VaginaShmergina · 01/05/2008 09:39

QS your life has been so so mad in the past months and you have been stressed. Sometimes it takes for the little ones to say something to make us realise things are not as they would like.

My 8yo DD mentioned to my parents once that she feels left out coz all her brother needs to do is throw a paddy and he gets the attention.

This made me as I thought I was doing OK. I now make a conscious effort to do things just with her and to not give him attention for bad behaviour. Nobody said it was gonna be easy, and they certainly didnt say it was gonna be this tough either.

Also IMO I think little ones dont quite know how to express themselves as we would and it hurts, but they dont intend it to.

You have looked at the situation and acting on it, not always easy to do, we want so much to do the right thing.

Anyway, where is my fish pie !!!!

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