My family leave my daughter out

[ThatCoralKoala]

I adore being a mum and have always done all I can to make sure I make the most of my time with my daughter when she isn’t at nursery. Even if it’s just a walk we really value family time.

Part of the reason is also however a lack of effort from my mum and I don’t want my daughter to feel she is ever missing out. My mum will always go out almost every day in the week with my sister and her 3 little girls and buy them lunch, take them on days out… and we are next to never invited. This is apparently because we live to far away (20min drive). My mum did used to watch my daughter once a week but we’ve had to up child care because my sister had another baby and my mum said she couldn’t have her anymore consistently because of my the school run for the other kids for example.

They say I’m at fault because I don’t make plans but I gave up calling months ago because each time I did they would be out already, they would be going out or would have made plans- none of which included me or my little girl and it just hurt too much to get so many rejections.

I’m trying so hard to make sure my daughter doesn’t notice and has as much time with me and my husband and his family as she can but I can’t help but feel she’ll feel left out as she gets older and sees all these pictures of days out that she wasn’t invited on. She’s only 2 and is so hesitant around my family because she doesn’t spend enough time with them.

To top it off there’s been a number of comments about him and our daughter which have meant my husband doesn’t want anything to do with them. We have an amazing baby and we are so lucky that she is so good and polite but my mum says she’s “hard work” because she doesn’t just settle with a phone scream and instead plays with toys at the table most of the time and there’s been a number of comments about her being big or heavy (she’s isn’t that big a kid).

If I were you I'd tell your mum all of this and tell her explicitly that she will not see either of your children until she makes time for them. Then leave it on her to contact you.

I would be limiting contact as much as possible instead of trying to increase it. Was your sister the golden child when you were growing up? Let your daughter grow up surrounded by people who love and cherish her, not people who treat her, and her mum, as second best.

Where has the mystery second child come from?

I’ve had this abit where I’ve called it out and explained that but then I get comments about it being my fault for buying a house 20mins away, not being able to drive, not calling them enough, making plans (although I would cancel them if I could and Im not sitting around on the off chance something comes up) and that I keep her from them and instead prioritise “my own little family” and “my in laws”… it’s all bull but it doesn’t have guilt trip me

OP you can't explain to them. They honestly don't care. There is a toxic dynamic in your family. Your role is to be the one that gets taken for granted and put down. Your sister is the one that gets the special treatment. Your child takes on your role, sister's children take on hers.
Save yourself a lot of heartache, listen to your DH, and step back. You know that 20 minutes is nothing. Your mum knows. It's just another stick she can beat you with. If you moved nearer, she'd find another reason to make it your fault. I'm sorry, it sucks, but you really can't change it. Keep your daughter away from them, she didn't deserve to grow up among people who put her down.

I would distance from them and only speak or see them when they make the effort.
Your child will have no idea what they are up to and will grow up to know no different if she isn’t around them to start with.

Probably mixed up because OP said baby and then 2 year old.

You won't change them. 20 minutes is not far; they choose to prioritise your sister and then blame you. I would pull away and if your in-laws treat you well spend more time with them and let them be the grandparents your daughter sees.