Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

Newborn, partner thinks my mum is overstepping

24 replies

Cchloee · 15/12/2024 14:09

Hi I have a 1 week old LB.

After a traumatic birth my mum has been there for my a lot. She has been coming around in a morning to help out. So me and my boyfriend can catch up on sleep. She is excited as this is her first grandchild. She’s bought him loads and even bought his pram when I was pregnant.

My partner has now come out and is upset and says he hasn’t had the chance to buy the baby anything. Even though nothing stopped him if he wanted to throughout the pregnancy and no one is stopping him now. He says my mum and all my friends are spoiling my newborn with gifts. I have told him I have said to people they don’t need to buy him gifts. However it is common for people to get excited and go overboard with newborns.

He has also said my my has overstepped the mark and is interfering and helping out too much. I don’t feel like she is and I am really thankful for the help

I feel stuck and don’t know what to do… any advice?

OP posts:

MarigoldSpider · 15/12/2024 14:17

I think explain to him that there will be lots of opportunities for him to buy things for the baby. They will need a bigger car seat, a bed, first shoes. The list is pretty endless 😂

In reality he needs to get over himself. To be blunt I would tell my DH that, especially if I was grateful for the help from my DM which I would make a point of saying. This is the beginning of a whole new (probably not easy) chapter of your relationship and being open and honest with each other will help going forwards

If you were feeling sympathetic could you come up with something that he could buy the baby? An outfit, a memory box, breastfeeding pillow? Large unnecessary Jelly Cat toy? Anything that you didn’t think of before baby but now need?

GrumpyCactus · 15/12/2024 14:17

Congratulations on your new baby. To be honest I can sort of see his point a bit and I'd find it odd that she was there every morning for the first week, surely he's on paternity leave?

I do think it's important to get into a routine together to learn how to parent together and I've definitely seen some examples where grandparents start to take over. With her being there so much and buying so much stuff he's probably feeling like a bit of a spare part. Is there any way you could limit her coming so frequently for the time he's off at least?

titchy · 15/12/2024 14:19

How helpful is he?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families

juicelooseabootthishoose · 15/12/2024 14:26

I think you need to have a couple of days on your own with your baby to bond. And allow him to cool off. And then reintroduce mum coming round on a frequency you are both happy with and to help in a way you are both comfortable with.

He needs to have the space to find his feet and his confidence with baby, having someone else there can make some new parents feel under scrutiny.

Neither of you are wrong. You just need a new routine.

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 15/12/2024 14:27

He may have a point if he wants to be hands on with the baby. My DH and I had no outside help at all and worked as a team to learn what we needed to do. It created a lovely bond between him and the babies.

Maybe you should give him a chance to step up, not all men are actually useless, despite what Mumsnet thinks. If you don't give him a chance resentment could grow. Remember at some point everyone is new to having babies and has to learn. Give him a chance.

DarkAndTwisties · 15/12/2024 14:28

Well it depends. Is she coming over and taking the baby from him with a "oh you're doing that wrong, I know better" sort of attitude? Not really letting him get a look in when he's there wanting to?

Or is she helping you because he's actually not doing much anyway?

GermanBite · 15/12/2024 14:29

If this is just about 'stuff' then I'd explain that there's a lifetime to buy things for your child, and unless she's ignoring your preferences when buying things, it doesn't matter.

If she's interfering with him bonding with the baby, that's a different issue.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 15/12/2024 14:30

When he pushes a baby out of his nether regions you will be sure he refuses help from his family... What a dick..

thehousewiththesagegreensofa · 15/12/2024 14:30

Is she coming over for a couple of hours in the morning whilst you catch up on sleep and then going home leaving your DP a chance to spend time with the baby and support you or is she staying all day?

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/12/2024 14:31

It depends. He might feel like his nose is been pushed out of joint if your mum is doing things he would want to do or if she’s swooping in and correcting him etc.

thehousewiththesagegreensofa · 15/12/2024 14:31

Oh, and where are his parents in this? If they are local, are they also invited over daily?

Original poster

Cchloee · 15/12/2024 14:32

He is hands on. She’s only coming first thing in the morning so we both can have an extra hour or 2 to sleep. She’s not once took the baby from him or commented on his abilities to look after the baby

OP posts:

girlmum1996 · 15/12/2024 14:35

I think your partner may be experiencing a bit of newborn attention jealousy and blaming your mum being there as a bit of an excuse to hide how he is really feeling.

Your mum being there everyday and helping out should be a blessing for both of you, as not everyone has this sort of help. Plus unless your mum is telling your partner he is doing something wrong with the baby or taking the baby from him, what exactly is the issue? If your mum is only there in the morning, and assuming your partner is only paternity, he has the whole day and night with the baby. If it's a timing issue, ask your mum to come later in the day and let your partner have the morning.

Where is his mum in all of this? Does she help out or has she had the opportunity to visit as often to help?

Men can sometimes struggle when a newborn baby arrives, where all the attention is on mum
& baby and not him. I can't understand why he wouldn't want people to spoil your newborn baby and shower them with gifts, unless he is feeling guilty that he has not done this - but like you said no one stopped him during the pregnancy and even now.

I think best to have a conversation with your partner and ask if there is something else underlying going on but also try not to let it bother you too much, this sounds like a him problem.

Congratulations on your baby, enjoy the bubble and let your mum & family spoil that baby! Xx

Rosesanddaffs · 15/12/2024 14:36

@Cchloee sounds like he just wants some time alone with you and baby.

I wish I had help in the early days but I also remember how stressful everything was, your lives have changed forever and as others have said it’s just about having a routine that suits you both xx

Onlyvisiting · 15/12/2024 14:38

Cchloee · 15/12/2024 14:32

Have you asked if he wants this or would he rather get up and have time with his baby himself?
Sounds overbearing to me, I imagine you'd dislike having you own MIL in the house as much as she is so I see his point. Provided of course he is prepared to step up and take her place.

DarkAndTwisties · 15/12/2024 14:38

Cchloee · 15/12/2024 14:32

Does he sleep during this time?

Because it's a bit weird to sleep while she's there and then complain she's there too much. If he wanted, when she arrives he could say "hi, I'm actually alright so I'm not going to go to sleep" and then just stay looking after the baby himself?

SouthLondonMum22 · 15/12/2024 14:39

Cchloee · 15/12/2024 14:32

Sounds like he’s ready to have some time alone with just you and baby, especially if he only gets 2 weeks off work. Maybe she can come 2 or 3 times a week instead of every single day?

Patienceinshortsupply · 15/12/2024 14:39

Well I'd assume then that he's happy to get up, look after baby and let you sleep. Tell your Mum to pop round later as he's got it all under control.

Pinkpurpletulips · 15/12/2024 15:14

My mother flew in from a different city and stayed with us for four weeks. I am trying to remember whether she brought her dog who normally accompanied her on visits. She was a tremendous help. My mother had been a nanny before she married. If my husband had a problem with this, he shut his mouth very firmly about it. I was going back to work in 6 weeks after a caesarean so I found the extra sleep and help invaluable.

OP's boyfriend sounds about eight years old - he has got years of forking out money to look forward to and how can you spoil a baby and if he wanted to spend money on the baby when you were pregnant then he could easily have done so. The baby certainly doesn't know about what equipment and toys she has. In fact, it sounds like his nose is out of joint because he's not the centre of your world any more and all the fuss is about the baby and not him.

I rather suspect OP's relationship with her mother is more likely to endure than the one with the rather Grinch-like boyfriend.

Justmuddlingalong · 15/12/2024 15:39

If he can manage the baby without your DM's help, why is he going back to bed and leaving her to it?
He either steps up or accepts the help, but he has to decide which, because he sounds ungrateful while taking advantage of her helping.

Yankadoodledoo · 15/12/2024 15:41

My partner has now come out and is upset and says he hasn’t had the chance to buy the baby anything

Tell him to shut up. What a stupid thing to say.

Original poster

Cchloee · 15/12/2024 16:34

I don’t know if it’s linked to his family now living locally and they have not yet visited. They are aware they have an open invitation and are more than welcome to come

OP posts:

User37482 · 15/12/2024 16:38

Yeah he feels embarrassed and upset that his family aren’t as interested. i’d frame it as “I’m her DD, I’ve just had a baby, she’s taking care of me by doing this, I would do the same for my DD”. Make it less about the baby or him.

He’s clearly not comfortable with owning his own discomfort or emotions so now may not be the time to float a theory on his reaction. I’d let that slowly dawn him.

Yankadoodledoo · 15/12/2024 16:51

Suggest to him your mum stops coming and he instead sorts baby in the morning so you can have a rest.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread