Anti sticker reward /charts how do you encourage the right behaviour

[magicfarawaytree]

I dont want to use reward stickers / marbles to encourage good behaviour. what do you do that encourages the right behaviour? I am not anti rewarding children but just anti the 1 for 1 or sticker charts etc.

why are you against this?
Stickers are a very effective tool tbh.

I am with you magicfarawaytree, there is a lot to be said for not 'bribing' for good behaviour. IMO you are just teaching them to be good for a reward rather than teaching them cooperation. Have you read Alfie Kohn? Seems to think along similar lines.

How old are your children? This will impact on how much 'reasoning' they can take on board.

Its a personal thing. I dont believe that giving a child something 'ie a sticker or marble etc' everytime they do something is the right way to encourage the right behaviour. It doesnt encourage the right thought processes

I disagree magic. How else are they supposed to learn? The opposite of reward is punishment and that isnt a good thing.

I think it builds their self esteem - makes them feel they are good boys and girls -

What thought processes do you have a problem with?

I am mid way though an alfie kohn book at the mo - unconditional parenting I like a lot of it but dont agree with all of it. mine are 6 5 and almost 4. so the it like trying to manage a catalyst mid flow at the moment.

A child doesn't necessarily need reward or punishment IMO, just good examples, and acceptance that some behvaiour is a development stage, and gentle reasoning. I think that appropriate consequences for negative behavior is acceptable (eg if you don't sit down for dinner, you miss it and get hungry), but punishment (not related to the behaviour) is generally not necessarily. Just my opinion.

What is the behaviour that you are concerned about magic?

I dont want to punish my children, I do want them to be rewarded but I dont want to devalue what it means to be rewarded. if you get a marble every time you do something nice and then a gift I agree with teebee it bribes good behaviour, there is not incentive to understand why a behaviour is better/ more constructive.

Well they should both be able to understand you reasoning with them for acceptable behaviour. I'd say plenty of praise for behaviour you want them to adopt, and explanations for behaviours that you are not happy with (e.g. please don't throw the ball there because it could break the window. Find a space to throw it please). My 5 and 2 year-olds work generally with this approach (not always!), and they haven't turned into serial killers yet.

its just the general behaviour - not copying bad behaviour, lies, being angry. all the normal child behaviour mainly aimed at 6 years old because younger children copy. I dont want to punish but I do want to encourage her making the right choices.

I have a tick chart for 'good' behaviour, which for my three year old means stuff like trying new foods, staying in her bed at night. It's a visible way of reinforcing lots of praise. I did intend to give her a sticker when she gets say 5 ticks but she's happy enough with the ticks.
My general trule is ignore the bad behaviour (as far as is reasonable - if i can'tthen I isolate her via 'time out'), massively praise the good. But then I'm deadling with a toddler.

Might be worth looking at positive discipline. I picked up a couple of books in the oxfam shop by chance, and have been finding them really good. I don't much like stickers or punishments, but still believe in boundaries, and this method has some good pointers about how to be both kind and firm as a parent. If you google positive discipline you'll get to their website (it's american) and there are some free downloads so you can read more and find out if it's your sort of thing.

It sounds as though you want her to adopt a positive attitude generally then. It might help to show the benefits of cooperation (Thank you so much for telling me truth about what happened while I was in the kitchen, it makes me feel I can really trust you when you behave like that). Sorry, can't really offer more than reasoning and setting good examples really. With my DS, I find it does help if I try to acknowledge the reasons for the 'bad' behaviour. He loves to wind his little brother up and knows just how to push his buttons. I asked him last week 'does it make you feeling really powerful making him screem like that?'. He looked me right in the eye and smiled and said 'yes', followed by a big cuddle to his little brother!!! Humph.

Now if you find a way to stop the little one from not copying the behaviour of your eldest, you will be more famous than Alfie Kohn!!

Babydriver, I totally agree with you regarding boundaries. They definitely need them! A lot to be said for firmness while still respecting them.

How about writing your DD a list of the characteristics you like about her/would like her to model and share it with her? e.g. I like it when DD tells me in words why she is angry because it helps me understand her. I like it when DD tells me the truth because it makes me trust her. Then maybe she can do one for you? If you are feeling brave!

sounds like i just need to persevere at the encouraging the good behaviour. I can see why ticks etc are good as visuals for children but I just dont believe it affects the underlying behaviours. will try to have a look at positive discipline ( who is it by?) teebee there is really no answer to the 'yes' is there. you cant help but smile at those classic moments. on the coying ...if only!

I think part of the point of the charts etc. is not for the child, but to remind us parents (or teachers) to notice positive behaviours and give praise. Its almost inevitable that disruptive, noisy, annoying or harmful behaviours get more attention (especially in school settings or with lots going on, where a calm, helpful, quiet child is not going to get noticed), so sticker charts etc. help us redress the balance.

So they're probably unnecessary if you're already great at noticing positive behaviours and giving them attention and praise.

Its sometimes worth making sure you're focusing on what you want them to do, not what you want them to not do - e.g. if they're hitting out when angry, then tell them what you'd be proud of them for doing instead of hitting out. They need help to know what to do instead of an instinctive behaviour (like hitting out or avoiding criticism by lying) which comes fairly naturally.

magicfarawaytree, here's the link to their website: www.positivediscipline.com/
The main author is Jane Nelson.

Hope it helps.

I have used charts, with limited effect for infant school children. The one that has been most effective for me with all age groups is positive praise.

I describe what it is that I want to thank the children for eg 'thank you for putting your shoes on that has really helped us get ready on time' or 'you were very helpful while we were shopping'.

By describing what it is that has made me pleased they will then repeat this behaviour and eventually we move onto something else.

If the behaviour is negative then I do the same thing but say how sad that running away/not listening etc has made me when I know they can do better.

I also use the time out/step and give the children expectation.

I have been on parenting and behaviour management course to learn these things and have learnt to take control and be the adult who is in charge and not looking for approval from the children. It has been a long haul but I/we are getting to be a calmer and happier family