Can’t cope with the lack of sleep anymore

[Salacia]

My son is 6 months old. Had a very difficult pregnancy and he was premature so spent quite a while in hospital. I have PND and am under the perinatal mental health team. Initially my mood was dreadful and I was having very strong suicidal ideation (to the point where I made my husband take my medication to work with him as I didn’t feel safe with it in the house). Things slowly got better with some support groups, antidepressants etc but in the last week my son has basically stopped sleeping overnight unless he’s on me. We can’t co-sleep due to his prematurity so I’m up for hours overnight with him. I’m hoping it’s just a regression phase (he’s reached a lot of new milestones in the last week or so) and it’ll pass but I’m really worried about my mental health on the meantime. The intrusive thoughts are back (looking round my room all I can see is ligature points, the medicine cabinet etc) and I just feel so low. I have a supportive DH but there’s a limit to what he can do overnight (as he has a job that he really needs to be awake for).

I’ll call my keyworker on Monday and I’m not really sure what I want from this post. I guess reassurance that it’ll pass?

It definitely passes! But when you are going through the phase seems to last forever! Try to hang in there and use all the support you can. So sorry you are having such a tough time.

Thank you. I guess it just feels so difficult to engage with the support or see the point as the lack of sleep has such a huge impact on my mood.

I’m up with mine who wants to sleep on me as well. I think with your PND and how much this is affecting you, your husband will have to do more. Does he work at the weekend? If not, go and wake him up now and you go to get some sleep. And let him do tomorrow as well. You need more practical help, he’ll have to put up with being a bit tired - you can’t just keep carrying on like this

He’s on call this weekend unfortunately - normally he does the first part of the night and the early hours feed while I express then I take over for the later half (and then he takes the baby before he goes to work for an hour or two so I can nap, have a coffee, express etc). He really does pull his weight but it’s unfortunate timing that the sleep regression seems to have hit at the busiest part of his rota. I know he’s really worried about me and keeps telling me to wake him up more etc to help but I couldn’t live with myself if he ended up making a mistake at work due to tiredness.

Can u pay for a night nanny for a few weeks OP?

Maybe reach out on local groups to see if there's any suitable professional or mum that's looking for extra work before xmas

You can leave baby in a safe place, the cot, and go back to your bed and sleep. Severe lack of sleep causes serious problems and is very hard to cope with.
Maybe DH will have to take some leave for a couple of weeks

We used a babysitter with our youngst to catch up sleep. Even a few hours a day helped a lot. We had a student nurse. She was brillant.

I would encourage you to attempt some form of sleep training if you haven’t already (along with husband taking on more and paying for overnight help if you can at all). This is a matter of survival.

It does pass. My now 3 year old was waking about every 45 mins at 8 months and was then awake an hour to 1.5 hours each time. Obviously once she was back asleep we couldn't just fall back asleep because of the fight or flight of getting her back to sleep so we'd sleep 15-20 mins and she was awake again. It got dangerous for me to drive and I was certainly suicidal from lack of sleep. In our case, DH had to pull 50% of the weight (it was 50% his child!) because although he had to be awake for his job, I equally needed sleep to be able to care for our baby safely. I appreciate you don't feel that's possible in your case.

We ended up sleep training because this pattern of sleep went on from 5 months though to 8 months and it saved us. I also quit feeding her at night, so she no longer would wake to feed back to sleep. But I do appreciate this is a very personal choice as to whether to do this or not.

It all seems very long ago now (even though it wasn't really). She now climbs into her big girl bed at 6pm and asks for the light to be turned off so she can sleep and we don't see her again until 6/7am. It does get better. You will get through this and your baby will sleep. But it's rough for now, so take care of yourself.

All of the above is good advice but if you are looking around the room and seeing ways to end your life I think you need to speak to a health visitor or GP fairly urgently. You obviously love your baby but you might need extra help keeping you and them safe and cared for right now. A friend of mine spent some time in a mother and baby hospital and that saved them both. A few years on and it’s a totally different picture. There is no shame in asking for help. When you are this sleep deprived it can be hard to make a sensible plan for dealing with the nights because you are so so tired. Please ask for help. Sending sleep.

I assume you had therapy or some nhs help? What skills did they teach which you can lean into now? Or some of the calm apps to focus in the moment.

we also had a sleep trainer when DS sleep was really chaotic. I don’t know if it would have helped during a regression but it was really good for us to help him settle for longer. At 6m we moved DS into his own room because we were waking him up but DH and I took it in turns to sleep on his floor sometimes so the other could sleep.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I know it’s the depression talking but I just feel so weak and pathetic for not being able to handle this. I have loads of real life support - DH really does pull his weight and pretty much does the bulk of childcare in the evenings, first thing, weekends etc. My parents have been great. I just then think about people with no support who manage it and that makes me feel worse.

I need to be more honest with everyone about how bad I’m feeling. I know I struggle to ask for help and I know I need it. I don’t want to harm myself and I don’t think I would but the thoughts are just so intrusive.

I’ve had a chat with DH this morning and we’ve decided I’ll go stay with my parents while he’s on this run of shifts. I’m going to look up private therapy today as we can afford it. I’ve learnt some really good coping strategies from my therapy groups which I use to varying success during the day but I struggle when I’m tired. A baby sitter/night nanny is a good idea - I’ve had so many friends offer to come and watch my son for a couple of hours so I can nap, I need to be nicer to myself and take them up on it.

I’m hoping that the disturbed sleep is a phase - he’s definitely teething and has had a bit of a cold. Before this week he was sleeping well and I was starting to feel on top of things, it just scares me how quickly I’ve fallen back into the horrible thoughts and I need better coping strategies.

OP you have an illness, this is not the same situation as others who manage with these sleep phases so stop feeling guilty for not being able to cope, it’s not your fault and you’re doing your best. Listen to your DH, you need more help to get through this phase and yes he’ll be tired but let him do more. Can you afford to get some outside help in for a couple of weeks. A night nanny, mothers help during the day, a babysitter? Or can your DH explore options of taking some annual leave or parental leave?

@Salacia thats good, you are not weak lack of sleep is torturous and as the above poster says you aren’t well so your resilience is going to be lessened. It’s not a reflection of you as a parent. Keep safe on the journey to your parents and get some rest