How am I going to cope with 2? Tips pls

[Elisabeth3468]

I'm really getting anxious how I'm going to cope with a second child. I'll be 37 weeks this week and my toddler has become increasingly needy and clingy in the past 2 months. He's 3 end of the month for reference. His sleep seems to have gone to pot unless he's in our bed. So unless I spent all evening running up and down the stairs to settle him, I just get him in our bed.
Worries-
Baby will wake toddler in the night, toddler doesn't and won't settle for dad.
Constant illness, literally the whole of November was unrelenting illness, one after the other. I'm expecting another any day now. He goes to nursery 2 mornings a week but we do go to groups too. But having a sick child takes your full attention, I can't even imagine throwing a baby and breast feeding in the mix.
I get so overwhelmed by it all.

I just want to know how those with two kids have gotten on , especially in those early days.
And the best tips for managing.

Following for solidarity! I'm 32 weeks with a just turned 2 year old 😬

You'll manage OP. I think what you're feeling is pretty normal once the birth is in the horizon.

I still went to my groups and stick DC2 in a stretchy sling.

Have a read of tips for juggling a newborn and a toddler and have a couple of things nearby like playdoh so that you can let the toddler do that whilst you sit with them and feed.

And it's not the end of the world if they watch a bit more tv than usual

Forgot to add. DH should do the night wakinfa with DS from now on. He really can't expect you to do it at 37 weeks.

I know this isn’t what you probably want to hear but try and tackle the sleep now. It may be a whole week of running up and down hell but it will eventually nip it in the bud.

*wakings 🤦‍♀️

I have a similar age gap OP, although my baby is now 9 months. I truly feel that life with a newborn and preschooler is significantly easier than being pregnant while looking after a preschooler.

We had the same issue - DS1s sleep went haywire about 1 month before baby arrived. They didn’t ever wake each other really but DS1 still wakes in the night and has done since end of my pregnancy. What we tend to do is bring him into our bed or DH stays in his bed. A small double in his room makes this easier and more comfortable for DH. DS2 is waking every 2 hours currently so I do all his night wakes.

The sling really helps, I have always made an effort to play with eldest when youngest is napping - even when I could really do with doing some housework! I can barely remember life with just 1, you get used to it so quickly.

I had the same age gap and I remember reading a thread about whether it was harder to be pregnant and have a toddler or have a newborn and toddler; most said being pregnant was harder and I found that to be true as you have all the physical impacts on your body currently.
My toddlers sleep regressed when I was pregnant but improved after the first couple of weeks of baby arriving and they had to get used to dad settling them.
Also in the first few weeks I took the view that if we all ended the day fed, clean and safe then it was a successful day. Don’t expect too much of yourself and anything more will come over time and when baby is old enough for a routine.

We've been trying to tackle it for ages but then he gets poorly with a temp or something so sleep is all messed up anyway and we go back to square 1

Yes he's been trying and goes up to settle him each time but DS goes hysterical shouting for me and doesn't calm down , we still keep trying and I stay downstairs a while before hobbling up but he gets in a state. He used to be ok for his dad , this is a new phase.

Also my DC dropped their nap just as baby arrived so I implemented a quiet time after lunch where toddler DC could watch tv, play on the tablet, play independently etc but knew that it was time that I was going to sit down and have a rest too. When baby was in a routine that became during their nap which worked perfectly. I’d use baby’s first nap time to give toddler DC my full attention but the next one was for us both to rest.

@Chocolaterocketcake thank you ! This is reassuring to hear as I've found being pregnant with a toddler so so difficult , especially these past few weeks now my energy is dwindling.
I've got a decent sling and carrier so will baby wear as much as possible. Does your older one still go in the pushchair? My son runs off! Another worry 😅

Exactly the same here. DC1 dropped their last nap literally a month before I gave birth.

@Oaoejvr thank you for this. It's interesting to hear about the sleep regression because this is what happened here. We thought we had cracked the sleep with him but it's got worse again recently and he's very needy for me. I think he senses and knows a change is coming maybe.

I prefer wakinfa - sounds like an initiation 😄

Just to add ! Mine dropped his nap a couple of months ago so we are out the napping stage now. I find mornings with him great as we get out and about to our groups. The afternoons are hard as he gets tired around 3.30ish but not tired enough to nap (plus it's too late) , he does go to bed for 7 but I'm not feeling the benefit as he's up every 20 mins crying for me. When I do go to bed I will say he settles, but he's right by me.
He's very energetic and won't really watch tv unfortunately. I've never restricted screen time but he's just not into it at all!

Also my son was an extremely colicky baby and screamed a lot for 6 months. Just hoping the second is more chilled 😆

I have a 3.5yo and an 8mo and to be honest it is a bit of a shitshow at times 🥴 But to be honest, you just adjust. You will accept for a while that you and DH will tag team. When one or both of them are ill, we become a lot less bothered about keeping on top of housework or eating home cooked meals. We do what we can to get through it with a messy house and a load of ready meals and then sort everything out on the other side (we've just had 3 weeks of a virus that hit everyone in the family). DD1 had a d&v bug the week that DD2 came home 🤦🏻‍♀️

Toddler sleep and potty training will regress and there'll be about a 2month period after baby is born when it seems like the toddler hates you, but everyone will get through it. DD2 had massive feeding issues and each feed would be a 90mins hell of BF, formula top ups and pumping - DD1 watched way too much tv in those early days whilst I struggled to get DD2 sorted. But then DD2 got better at feeding, DD1 started to get involved with her and everything started to fall into place.

In a way, it might be good that your eldest has dropped the nap. Mine are on completely opposite nap schedules and it makes it quite hard to find time in the day to leave the house between naps, weaning / mealtimes etc. We tend to end up going out and DD2 sleeps in the buggy, but she never sleeps as long or as deeply when it's a pram nap.

Now DD2 sits and giggles at DD1 and DD1 calls DD2 her best friend and my heart just sings at it all.

If you get the funded hours, it might also be worth looking into upping nursery time. I found having some alone time with baby, just as I had when DD1 was a baby, was really important in bonding time for the two of us, without my attention diverted by DD1.

@Noodlesnotstrudels thank you so
Much. It sounds like you found your rhythm after a bit of time.
Yes from Jan he will get more hours at nursery so will be doing 3 mornings 1 afternoon (currently doing 2 mornings).
Got to admit though he literally went one week last month because he was constantly unwell. That's the hardest part about parenting for me.
Re potty training I have heard they can regress. He's been potty trained nearly 6 months now and dry in night too and has been from the start so will see how that pans out 😫 didn't consider this one.

I have a 2 year old and an 8 week old, and I'm typing this from my 2 year olds bed 🤣

Honestly, it's a chaotic, bed swapping mess most nights but it does just work itself out!

I had a 2.2 year old and a newborn. I have up trying to get anyone to sleep in the right bed, and now ex refused to help. Make sure DH does his share! Ds1 used to sleep between my feet like a puppy. I co-slept and breastfed DS2.

We had a bag of 'special' things for Ds1 that he was only allowed when I was feeding DS2 so he didn't get upset that I couldn't give him all my attention. Nothing exciting, but because he was only allowed it at feeding times he thought it was. A puzzle, small pack of biscuits maybe, a book he could 'read' to himself or me. Swap the contents every so often.

Get DS1 to help by being a "big boy" and passing the wipes/ clean nappy etc. Make a fuss of him for being such a great big brother.

And if DS1 regresses slightly/pretends to be a baby then make it into a game. DS1 love playing on the baby mat/ sitting in the bouncer. We'd baby him for a few mins "awww, what a cute baby. I love my baby" etc. Then suggest he shared with his brother. DS1 went from a pushchair refuser to always wanting to be in the pram. So I always had the baby carrier and switched them if needed. (We did try a double pushchair, but he never wanted to be in that!)

Don't sweat the small stuff.

I'm freshly into having 2 and feeling quite proud of myself, although I felt similarly anxious only a few months ago too.

1. organise help immediately postpartum. You cannot and should not be chasing after a toddler alone. If you can stagger your help ie paternity leave followed by mum or friend staying with you that would be best.

2. start a freezer stash of food from now and accept meals if people offer. I now cook only twice a week, defrost, make oven meals or have leftovers for the rest of the time. On the two occasions I cook I double the recipe and freeze half. This keeps us going.

3. Plan your month/ week ahead. It's impossible to make decisions with both a baby and toddler screaming at you. Better to have it just ready. Plan one activity per day (playdough, colouring, whatever). I probably use 2 a week but it's good to have something ready to go if you need some space. Reduces the overwhelm a little.

4. get out every day, even if it's just for a short walk. Classes are great but don't over do it.

5. playfulness gets you further than shouting. Which leads me to...

6. no class or appointment or event is worth ruining your relationship with your toddler. It's better to miss it/ be late than to shout and scream. I had a whole week of shouting right at the start. It's ok to be overwhelmed but everything will be better when you can just let go of the unnecessary stress. Much less likely to shout when you decide it's not important. Besides you do need to have shouting in your arsenal for emergencies eg when toddler decides they want to poke baby's eye out and you're too far away to physically intervene.

7. involve your toddler in daily tasks even if it takes 6x as long.

8. shower. Eat properly. Accept help. Practise regulating your emotions. It's easier than being pregnant with a toddler.

The first few of weeks are really really hard. We also co sleep but transitioned when I was pregnant to dad sleeping in toddlers bed. Toddler struggled with sharing me. He's still struggling but our relationship is good. I pretty much immediately started cosleeping with baby which has also given me so many more hours of sleep versus baby 1.

But the second baby is spectacular. There's virtually no anxiety, you just soak it all up knowing they are going to grow into one of your favourite people on this planet. It's so enjoyable from that perspective. The toddler also keeps you occupied for all the (let's face it) boring times.

Congratulations and good luck, you will be ok, it's really not as hard as it seems, you just need to get into a rhythm!

My eldest was 17months when my youngest was born and I was absolutely terrified about how I'd cope with two.
Anyone I asked said "you just do it." which I found so unhelpful so here are some things that helped me.

• Buy a sling or a baby carrier. You will need your hands to stop your toddler doing usual choatic toddler things. Baby wearing is an absolute lifesaver.

• get into a routine quickly. Everything is smoother when you have nap times, feed times and play times in a set routine.

• nursery/preschool a couple of days a week allows you to have some rest time with the baby and spend days on the sofa with your boob out without having to worry about entertaining your toddler.

• expect the first 6 weeks to be a killer but there is 100% light at the end of the tunnel.

You've got this mama xxx

My older one has never been a pushchair fan @Elisabeth3468 but loves the buggy board.

Also, if your eldest is a runner: when getting in the car I open one of the front doors for 3 year old to climb in and through to his seat in the back, then I strap him in once I’ve strapped baby in. Then when getting out the car I unstrap eldest first, he climbs through to the front seat then when I’ve got baby out I just open the door and he hops out. Means you have 2 hands for strapping/unstrapping but your eldest isn’t running off in a car park while you deal with baby. Might be an obvious point but took me a couple of weeks to figure out this was the best way.

I’d start sleep training, go to him when he cries but keep sshing don’t talk and walk back out, 2 mins same thing, 3 mins same thing, 4 mins same thing, 5 mins/5mins etc…..a toddler should be able to settle and I appreciate it’s a regression but you don’t want to tackle it only when the baby arrives and he makes the connection that he’s pushed out for the baby. V hard I know when pregnant and you just want sleep.

Thank you all. Appreciate the tips and advice.
DS has gone from sleeping 7-7 (thought we had it cracked) to waking up every 10 minutes all evening until I go to bed and then waking for the day at 5am. I am well a truly shattered. I guess I'll have a newborn soon anyway so will be sleep deprived regardless 😅