Had enough of comments about my child

[roseandstay]

I have had enough. Need advice !!!
My DS is 19 months old and he has always been a “mama’s boy” but happy, cheeky and very confident at home. We have always socialised him and taken him to classes/activities etc and as a newborn, he was held by family members and visitors frequently. However, at some point when he was a baby and become more aware, he didn’t want anyone else except myself or his dad. I see this as normal but we have been reminded a lot by family that it is not in so many words. We have a big family so everyone tries and takes him out of our arms and wants to hold him but he usually doesn’t want it and gets really upset with anyone else.
Now my anger is this… whenever we go to family events, the amount of comments about him not liking people, being clingy and sensitive always happen from two family member specifically. The problem is that he does like people, he is confident and happy and playful but wants to be left alone! He usually needs about 10 minutes to settle and then he wants to explore and play. We were told to make him get down and get out of our arms and that “he needs to be playing with the other children” which only annoyed me more because I know he won’t do that until he feels safe and comfortable. He is 19 months?!! I end up not saying anything and passing him over from the instruction of others for him to then cry and want to come back to us which makes me feel like a bad parent. I don’t know how to tackle it without saying something to others which makes me sound like I am arguing but I have had enough of the comments about him when we have repeatedly told people to leave him alone until he feels comfortable.

Keep saying "maybe later" or "just want to wash his hands/give him a drink/say hi to aunt maud" That way you aren't saying no. You aren't disagreeing about the what but just the when. I know you shouldn't have to do this but it does help smooth things over and it's not confrontational.

Ahh I feel your pain Op as I get this all the time with 21 month old DS. It gets blamed on the fact that I still breastfeed him and I get comments that I’ve made him into an overly sensitive clingy boy. I’ll be honest I distance myself a bit from these relatives now and I’ve stopped letting them take him from me! It’s so normal and healthy to have an attachment with your main caregiver, people can just be so rude

I end up not saying anything and passing him over from the instruction of others for him to then cry and want to come back to us

Stop doing this. You can be assertive without starting an argument.

Just say yes in a bit with a smile. Or He's fine where is he is, will be happy to go down in a bit.

And being 'clingy' and 'sensitive' is totally normal at 19 months. Don't allow yourself to be shamed by it.

'Oh my gosh he's so clingy'
'Yes he is a bit, they all grow out of it eventually though'. And wander away.

'Wow he's really sensitive isn't he'.
'He is yes, he needs people to give him space please'.

"No."
"In his own time"
"Bore off"
"Get to fuck, send a postcard"
"Stop pissing bothering us"
"Just because you weren't held enough as a child and now you've got a complex does not give you the right to project on to DS"
"For the 50th fucking time Susan, disappear and reappear when you've had a personality transplant"
"Did you want me to put DS down so I can pick you up instead?"
"Actually you're interrupting us we were just having a lengthy discussion on the inherently feminist history of fibre arts and the different cultural representations within each faction, did you know American slaves had unique ways of quilting to pass on messages and this craft was passed on through the women..."
"For Christ's sake, I need more wine for this interaction. GO AWAY MARGARET"

Or just the first one would do. A simple No. Not yet.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead
Yes to all of that.

I'd add -
My child is completely normal.
My child is not a toy.

Karen, he's ONE. He doesn't even know what other children are yet.

Yes he's very clingy but don't worry, we plan for him to be living independently by the time he starts reception. We'll see him at the weekends though to drop off food until he can reach the cooker.

Nobody wants to play with your child Susan, they're too much like you.

He needs a few minutes and a scotch or two before he enters that shit show.

Don't worry Nora, he's very young, most people won't cry when they see you, they're far too polite.

Exactly.

Agree with this. Say something as this will be the language he internalises about himself. My daughter got a lot of ‘she’s shy’. If I let it be, this would have been a familiar belief that she may have identified with. Instead, I calmly corrected the other person and said something like ‘she just takes a moment to warm up, I notice after 10 minutes she’s fine if she’s given a bit of space’.

My daughters now 8, very confident and actually the opposite to her former clingy self. I agree with your approach. I really believe by accepting,
loving, supporting and not shaming my daughter,
she was able to explore the world from a secure base. Politely correct, but always make sure you use the language you want him to believe about himself. It honestly makes all the difference, although I appreciate how jarring it is. I remember this time in my daughters life very well.

I have an extremely confident 6yo. When she was 1, I couldn’t really leave her ANYWHERE (and I really do mean anywhere), even with people she knew extremely well. Obviously I had to say some points, but she was a proper velcro baby and toddler. This got blamed on breastfeeding, covid, my parenting etc etc.

In her own time, she just became more confident, and I am totally convinced it’s because she knew that me and DH wouldn’t encourage her to do things she really didn’t fancy and would always try and be there if she needed us. So I’d say stick to your guns and tell them to leave him alone.

“He’ll do it when he’s ready” on repeat. He’s only a baby still, and it’s wonderful he had such a great bond with you.

He's not a doll for other people's entertainment at the end of the day.

The one time someone tried to take my daughter from my arms I stepped back and loudly said no. She was 18 months and it was 2020 so she hadn’t seen anyone but the postman in months and the relative wouldn’t listen to me saying it wasn’t a good time/DD was tired/she needed time to warm up etc etc. DS is a bit older than that now, can be very sociable, can want just me or his dad, all totally normal, and if anyone tried to physically take him from me I’d tell them to do one.

Please advocate for your baby. His need for security with his parents, not least in a crowded room of other people, matters far more than what anyone else thinks he or you should be doing! They can fuck off. Are they really happier seeing him crying than having a cuddle with you? What a bunch of twats.

Yeah, I had one just like yours: slow to warm up. And yeah, I got all the sly hints that I was causing it by being over-protective.

Guess which one now travels all over the world giving talks at conferences. Not your boisterous boys.

One of the best things we can do for our children is recognise and support their individuality.

Stand your ground, your child your choice as long as he's happy.

I think I'd treat their advice as just a comment and reply with 'yes, you said that' or something similar to show that you've heard but are not prepared to ask or discuss.

If more is needed you probably need to be direct and tell them that you don't want any parenting advice, thank you.

No, is a complete sentence and just stay holding your child until you know he wants to explore.

Honestly children play independently up to about age 3! I had to hold the line with the ex in-laws. Eldest is now a fully functioning 17 year old hasn't sat on my lap in a while 🤣.

I'm a few decades years older than a one year old but I may have to hire you to speech write on my behalf for when I am around certain relatives who have spent a lifetime making picky comments. The last line made me howl (in a good way).

lol @Jimmyneutronsforehead I especially like the last one

A lot of toddlers are clingy at that stage. It’s normal, healthy development.

He’ll feel more secure and branch out with time, especially if idiots don’t distress him.

Have you ever seen the woman on fb reels who gentle parents her relatives?

Aunt Marge, it sounds like you're having some big feelings about baby not going straight to you for a hug. It's ok to feel sad but it's not OK for you to get into baby's personal space got it got it? If you're angry just catch a bubble! It's OK to have opinions but it's not OK to demand others follow them if they don't want to!

Genuis.

God I could have used that a few years ago. When I refused to let DD be dragged from my arms the relative, in her 60s, actually stamped her feet and then stropped off harumphing. A little while later DH was playing with a puzzle with DD and invited the relative to join them and was refused with a sulky “if she won’t do hugs I won’t do playing”. It was incredible. I laughed. What else can you do?

I end up not saying anything and passing him over from the instruction of others for him to then cry and want to come back to us

It makes me so cross when mothers are made to feel like they can't speak out and shouldn't or can't vocalise when they feel something isn't right for them and their child/ren. We are all trying our very best but please be the voice of your baby here. You know he doesn't want to go to others (yet), so tell them that. Say something, don't pass baby on.

"He's clingy" - "I know isn't he, I love knowing he feels so safe in my arms!"

Firstly, stop passing your child over just to please someone else. Your priority is your child and putting their needs first, not catering to others. Your son will see you passing him around as a sense of betrayal.

Secondly when these idiots make those comments, tell them its completely normal for a 19 month old, that every child has a different personality and when demanded to have a hold of him say he is a human being he is not a toy!