2.5yo going through an ‘I want’ phase and it’s driving me to distraction.

[Bounty9]

Is this normal? Just shy of 2.5yo DD, her language is quite good but not advanced however she says ‘I want’ about 30 thousand times a day. ‘I want a yoghurt, I want lunch, I want my toys down’. But in shops is the WORST. ‘I want a book, I want a toy, I want a chocolate’.

Firstly every single time she says a sentence like this I tell her she needs to ask again using her manners and it’s always followed up with ‘I want a yoghurt please’. Sometimes she will do it without being prompted but 90% of time needs reminding.

Secondly I lost the plot the other day, I let her choose 3 toys in the works as it was 3 for £15 as she had been really well behaved that morning and I said ok let’s go pay… cue the ‘No, I want a book’ except this time she didn’t put it down. So I said if you don’t put it down I’m going to put all these toys back, and she didn’t so I put them all back and carried a screaming toddler back to the car.

Was I wrong there? Is this normal? I’m getting really fed up with it, she sounds like bloody veruca salt from Charlie and the chocolate factory! Feel like I’m failing a bit. She’s my first and only, and I am trying so hard to raise her to be polite.

Yeah YB really U with that. Enjoy your DC for where they’re at and don’t belittle other peoples parenting struggles. When I first read this thread I thought ‘I wish I had that problem’ but then I had a second thought… this parent is really struggling with this. Struggle is all relative.

You’re clearly the best Mum on MN 🏆

Normally I would agree with that general sentiment, but not so much in this case, which is what prompted me to make my original comment. It’s developmentally typical for a toddler to do what OP’s child is doing, and my feeling is that she should enjoy her DC for where they’re at.

Honestly that’s ridiculous. A toddler having a tantrum in public is difficult for anyone. And OP is allowed to find something annoying, she’s human.

I do actually understand where you’re coming from going through GDD is really upsetting, honestly I know, but you’re being unfair.

I agree with this. I still sometimes have to remind my 6yo about please especially if she's in a bad mood. I think this is entirely normal based off all of the other kids and parents I know.

I don't really even see the problem with expressing lots of wants tbh, it's just communication. Like in a shop situation, of course she sees a lot of stuff and thinks she'd like it - don't you? The difference is we understand we can't have it all and why etc but she doesn't, she's basically still a baby. I use a lot of distraction, a lot of 'later / at X time/ maybe for your birthday' and 'shall we put that down on your list and maybe for your birthday/other celebration/ etc we can get it for you then' and so on. Obviously stuff like that doesn't always work - I've definitely had to physically remove stuff from a toddlers hands and strap them screaming into a buggy in the shop before, sadly! But not very many times thankfully.

Op I hear ya, I have a 2.5 year old and they are STRONG willed. I want is a normal developmental stage, she's learning she has agency and can ask and have her requests met, this makes toddlers feel great!

you're doing fab, it's hard, the only advice I'd say is try not to give so much choice and options it overwhelms them which is probably why it resulted in a bit of a meltdown in the works. At 2.5 understanding the difference between picking 3 toys and all the toys or a book is tricky, their understanding is good at that age but not as good as an adults, because they can talk parents sometimes think they can understand more than they can but they're only learning.

when giving choice it's good to give 2 choices so do you want this toy or that toy.

with the manners she's not being deliberately rude the manners will click in time.

try and take a step back a little, they are still very much like babies at this age even though they look and talk like little adults they still have very young needs and wants that need met, try not to get into a power struggle with her over things.

Youre doing great though and it's just a phase, it'll be the why phase after the I want phase 🤣 but we'll get through that too x

What a weird comment. There are lots of 'developmentally typical' things that nobody enjoys. I don't think any parent enjoys public toddler tantrums, or changing the nappy of a baby for the umpteenth time, or dealing with a grumpy hormonal teenager. People are allowed to struggle with these things.

OP you are getting some very odd responses! I think you did a good job. The 'I want' phase is irritating but they definitely grow out if it, mine is now 3.5 and much more reasonable on that side of things, although she still has the odd epic tantrum here and there about the weirdest things!

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I apologise if I made anyone feel like I was being ungrateful, her language has only just started coming on in leaps and bounds and I should be thankful for that. But honestly, sometimes it’s really hard and I feel like I’m doing a crap job. Carrying a screaming toddler out of a shop is relatively new to us!

Distraction/saying oh maybe we can put it on your Christmas list does work sometimes.. it’s only very recently has she started to become so defiant. But she’s 2.. and I think I forget that.

DH says I need to cut her a break sometimes, and that’s probably true. I’ve just bought that ‘how to talk so kids will listen’ book and I’m hoping there’s some insight in there.

Aren't we all?

You can have a child with a delay/additional need
You can also be having a tough time
It doesn't automatically mean you can say whatever twatty, mean spirited thing you can think of just to make someone else feel small. But you did. And it's a reflection of you and your personality, not your circumstance and certainly not of the OP.

Mum of two strong willed boys here to reassure you it’s totally normal, and totally grating so don’t feel bad for being unimpressed with it.
in those demanding moments I repeat back to them what I expect to hear ‘I want a yoghurt’, I’d say in a clear, playful voice ‘please mummy can I have a yoghurt’. Or I ask ‘is that how we ask for things?’ To remind them that’s not what I expect and prompt manners.

In terms of consequence well done for sticking to it, boundaries are so hard to maintain in those moments but should pay off on the long run.

Also a question I try to ask myself when I’m frustrated with either of my boys behaviour is - is what I’m expecting of them developmentally possible?
My 2.5 year old is very demanding right now so I use these techniques often. Where as my 6 year old rarely needs reminding and is generally a polite boy (with his moments) I’d say with your 2.5 yr old maybe you’re expecting a lot right now, but by modelling the behaviour you want to see she will get there. Go easy on yourself and her x

She's 2 and a half, you are expecting far too much of her. Model being polite and she will follow.

MN can have a bit of a bee in its bonnet about toddlers ‘misbehaving’ as they see it. I tend to think at this age they don’t have a clue about money, value, anything like that. I must admit I mostly avoided shops with my DS when he was this age because he just picked up and wanted everything and I get it!

Obviously it’s not always possible but I wouldn’t have got into a confrontation over the toys to be honest. I don’t think it will have taught her that ‘ooh next time I had better not do that!’ all it did was make you both feel bad.

We made the mistake of letting 2 year old DS go to smyths to spend a voucher, he sat on some toy car thing, refused to get off it and when we eventually decided to buy it had such a massive tantrum when the woman at the till needed to scan it that it took all DHs energy to get him out in one piece. I am not joking it was a year until we braved that place again! So you are not alone!

I’m also going to add that the repeating of the child’s age is really unhelpful. I hate it when posters do this. You start a thread saying ‘my child is two and a half and …’ and half the replies start with ‘she’s two and a half.’

If what you mean is that the behaviour is expected or likely or normal for this age (I agree, it is) then explain this. Parenting is hard, especially when it’s your first. I remember feeling lost with all this with DS and wondering what was normal and what I should be doing about behaviour. It’s so much easier with DD; we’ve just hit that tantrum stage and I know it’s completely normal and I know there’s generally not a blessed thing I can do about it and distraction is the best tool I have.

It also helps to know when they do start getting a concept about wanting things being linked to money or whatever, I would say this started at three with DS and now at four he does understand (albeit stroppily sometimes) if I say we can’t get something.

Several years ago, I was in a Target store in California.
We were in the back, headed towards the till in the front.
As we got closer, we could hear a child screaming, yelling, having a complete and total meltdown. I’m talking EPIC here.
I have never before or since witnessed such a thing. The store was completely silent except for this child’s cries.
Finally, we spotted him.
He was sitting in the trolly while his mother checked out, and you would’ve thought he was being harmed, he was being so vocal.
His mum was calm, collected and after she finished paying for her purchases, she pushed the trolley to the front of the store where the little boy continued to melt down.
And I mean MELT DOWN.
We waited in line for maybe 10 minutes or so, and the little boy (about 2&1/2) continued on.
We left and could hear him as we drove away.
That mum had the most serene look on her face. She was calm, and I tried not to stare, but I’m not sure if she even spoke to the child.
I don’t think I could handle that as well as she did. And I don’t know if there was anything the matter with the little boy, or if he just didn’t get a book or a toy or a lolly.

You know you can tune out from your child’s incessant demands sometimes? You don’t have to urgently respond to everything a 2 year old demands.

A distracted ‘yes dear I know…’ sometimes gives you some breathing space.

You might think she’s ’strong willed’ but I suspect that’s because she knows you’re attending to every utterance at will. It’s you that needs to set the agenda not a small child.

Secondly I lost the plot the other day, I let her choose 3 toys in the works as it was 3 for £15 as she had been really well behaved that morning and I said ok let’s go pay… cue the ‘No, I want a book’ except this time she didn’t put it down. So I said if you don’t put it down I’m going to put all these toys back, and she didn’t so I put them all back and carried a screaming toddler back to the car.

I also think you're expecting too much. If she wants a book say "we're not buying books and toys today. you can choose, do you want the book or the toys?" You also need to give more processing time for this. She's only two. Don't rush it. Find a quiet corner in the shop and simply explain it's this one or this one and have them in separate hands to show she needs to choose. Be patient, kind, but firm that this is her choice to make. Whichever one she chooses just chat about what a lovely/toy or book it is, how exciting it is to be taking it home. Pop the other one back on the shelf together and say "maybe another day we can come back for a different toy/book."

I think you were too quick to "if you don't put it down I'm putting everything back!" At 2 years old she's not following your train of thought, and she's certainly not following it at your speed. She doesn't have the wider understanding to know why the choice is suddenly "only these things or no things at all!" What did you explain before going to the shop? She's barely existed on the planet and it's painful but you have to constantly remember what she understands and explain things simply to her. She doesn't know what "3 for £15" is or why that equates to one book. You've set an arbitrary boundary and rushed the implementation of it so she's confused.

I'd stick to one choice per shopping trip to keep it simple for her to grasp, or to be honest I wouldn't be allowing this kind of choice at her age anyway. It always leads to meltdowns in shops from confused children. These sort of experiences also create children who constantly want things from shops. Stuff becomes desirable and something to tantrum over.

My 3 year old can take or leave things in shops because we make sure the expectations are well set in advance and we meet him at his level of understanding. We've never had a tantrum in a shop. I'm not saying this to say we're perfect parents- I'm saying you shot yourself in the foot this time and there are far better ways of going about it. At 2 years old your child is not to blame for this- you got yourself in a muddle and it's worth trying a different approach next time.

As for "I want". Yeh, that's toddlers!

OP sorry this thread derailed a bit so I haven't read it all but hopefully some useful advice....

At that age it's just persistence and repetition - I have a DD 3.5 who STILL says 'i want' 50,000 times a day. It will gradually shift from you having to remind her what to say (every time) 'please can I have', to saying 'i'll wait until I hear a question' to just giving her a look and then she'll correct herself (that's where we are out now)

I think you did the right thing by not entertaining a meltdown and taking her out of the shop, however I agree it could potentially have been avoided by giving the choice of book OR toy.

Its such a difficult age try not to be too hard on yourself x

Well done for being firm with her. I always used the line of I wants don't get..... still works now and they are 19 and 16 🤣