Really can’t decide about a second child

[Rose2092]

Our DS is coming up to 21 months, will be 2 in March next year and we’re getting married in May next year.

We don’t have to make any decisions yet as we’re getting married but we are thinking of exploring the idea of a second child around autumn time next year…but we really don’t know if this is something we actually want or something we think we want!

I didn’t have a very easy pregnancy, a lot of morning sickness throughout, a difficult traumatic birth and then developed pancreatitis post partum needing to have my gallbladder removed. The lack of sleep in those first few months was truly awful, we argued a lot, I didn’t have post natal depression but I definitely found everything difficult and have never felt less like myself. I still don’t feel like ‘myself’ (whatever that may be) as every time I look in the mirror I’m not happy. It’s not about looks I know, but it does affect my confidence when I can’t find any clothes I like on me.

We both work full time (we need to) and it’s a juggle balancing nursery illnesses with work, and time as an actual couple. Often we’re exhausted and at capacity so snap at each other a lot. I worry we’re not being good parents with how often we work and I also worry we’re not patient enough with DS because we’re exhausted. We do get a lot of support from my parents though so we are very lucky too.

We truly love DS, he’s so beautiful, random, cheeky and loving and watching him grow more and more and pick up random words and try new things is honestly the best thing.

But…I really don’t know if we have it in us for another child! We both feel like this. I can’t shake the feeling that our family isn’t quite complete but my feelings are often overridden by these thoughts:

• Dealing with pregnancy again alongside a toddler
• Might not be able to conceive a second time, dealing with potential traumatic affects from that
• Possible second traumatic birth
• Lack of sleep again. It’s horrific. It made me the worst version of myself
• More arguments as a couple
• I didn’t enjoy the baby stage, it’s relentless, constantly feeling needed is exhausting
• Financial reasons. There literally isn’t the money there for a second child at the moment, and imagine this only gets more difficult as they get older
• Lack of time…for anything apart from work, sleep, looking after DS and trying to sort the wedding
• Lack of space, lack of time to clean. We are at capacity in our house! There’s just so much stuff.
• Feeling even less like myself
• Relying on my parents support even more which isn’t fair on them
• The sensory overload. The clutter, the noise, the tantrums / crying…

However I can’t shake the guilt if we do decide to not have another child. I worry about not giving our child a sibling. He goes to nursery so is around children a lot but there wouldn’t be any cousins for him in our family either. And I worry for him in the future about the burden on him if we become ill in the future.

Having grown up with two brothers I also come from quite a big family, so I’m worried that I haven’t fully grasped the long term decision of not having another child…that our family around the table won’t be as lively or as big as what I grew up with.

But at the same time I’ve never had the thought ‘wouldn’t this be nice to do again with a second child’ with any experiences with DS.

I’ve spoken to some friends with more than one child and they said they followed their gut but I really don’t know what my instinct is telling me.

How did you decide to have a second child and take the plunge if you were initially undecided?

I think I decided completely the wrong way. I was struggling working full time, feeling guilty about child number 1 being in nursery full time and mostly thought that another maternity leave, this time not during covid would be a good thing. I told myself the necessary lie that number 2 would sleep better! (He didn't. Much, much worse!). I had easy pregnancies and deliveries though. Newborn awful for me both times with high anxiety levels and difficulty feeding. Thankfully we're past all that and it is a genuine joy to see the two of them giggling, cuddling and playing together. Obviously there are moments they are very frustrated with each other too. I don't regret number 2 for a second but we are definitely finished now. I don't think our health could manage another year quite a sleepless as that one!

I have four children all now adults and am a single parent. One child is very doable you can take one child most places, people are happy to babysit one child, have them sleep over etc. Also with one child one parent can “parent “ and the other can do whatever clean, cook, hobbies , socialise.
Moving to two children is the hardest jump for the opposite of the above reasoning, three and more makes little difference other than expense.
Do not fall into the tap of thinking two will play together and get on well, it might not happen. My older two DD1 and DS1 tolerated each other as DS1 was very passive. DD2 and DS2 barely even tolerate each other even now aged 21&22.
However I would not change a thing, I am from a big family and wanted a big family so I feel really blessed. Also none slept through until they started school, that was hard🙄

It sounds like you're not ready now so don't do it to yourselves! Maybe revisit when the first is about 4? Assuming you're not panicking about your age.

I'm in a sort of similar position although more positives than you (I would have 5 kids if we had the space and I could fast forward to 6 months old, I love it once pregnancy,.childbirth, breastfeeding and sleep deprivation are more or less out of the way). I also worry that at 35 now with an 18 month old, if I leave it too long I might not conceive again. I've decided that as I wouldn't cope well at the moment with another one, we can try when we do feel ready (hopefully once number 1 is in school) and if it doesn't happen it wasn't meant to be - number 1 is sheer perfection (albeit one of the most active toddlers I know which is a reason to put off another) and at 4 months old we said we couldn't do it again. So if it doesn't work out, I will just remember how incredibly awful the early months were and try to make the best of one.

For all those reasons I was on the fence and more towards not having another while my DH was happy either way then when my DD was 2 it was like something clicked and I just really wanted another and logic didn’t come into it. If you’re not 100% then I would say don’t do it, if like me you get that urge then go for it and if you don’t that’s also fine. Going from 1 to 2 DC was a lot easier than none to 1 and I knew even when it was hard that it would pass but it was still hard so you need to go into it fully wanting it

We both wanted 2 but had very different views about when. I wanted a longer age gap so that I could "enjoy" my baby/toddler/child for longer (selfishly). DP wanted one sooner rather than later because he didn't want to be an older dad (36 when DC 1 was born, will be 38 for the second).

We were talking ourselves round in circles and had kind of agreed to try in January so that we could enjoy a few more months of relative freedom. Then one day in August we had a bit too much fun and got pregnant accidentally (DC1 took 4 years to conceive so it was a SHOCK).

I went through all 72 stages of grief but eventually came around and I am happy and excited to have a 2 year age gap.

I'm now in the mindset that they will have each other to play with and grow with and we as the parents will get the difficult years out of the way in one go.

Just do it. Join us

It sounds like you don't want to and it might tip you both over the edge - so put it on ice for a year.

I think most people would agree it's generally better for kids to have siblings but not if you just don't have the capacity for it, and not everyone does, especially when you both work FT. There are more and more only children - it may not be the best thing for them or the country - but he certainly won't be alone.

Sounds like you don't really want another?

It sounds like you’re not ready - but things can change. Your first child is not even 2 yet. I’d try and forget about it for now and enjoy getting married. Then see if you feel differently by next autumn when you have a 2.5yr old. Perhaps you won’t, but a lot can change in a year.