Mother In Law Crossing Lines

[aubs427]

To start- my mother in law is Hispanic and does not speak English fluently. She understands very basic things, but nothing more. My husband only speaks to her in Spanish. She’s lived in the US for at least 25+ years. Secondly, my husband says his mom has always been oblivious and has acted reckless/careless his entire life. He’s told me stories of things she’s done arrogantly (since she’s not from the US) that has nearly gotten her in trouble with the law that he’s gotten her out of, as an example.

my husband and I have a 3 year old and his mom moved to our state some time in April/May of this year. Immediately when we’d visit her apartment- I began to realize she was doing things/giving things to my son that I don’t do and have never done (such as giving juice, candy, soda, etc). And, when she came over to our home- she completely left our back door open for hours. We have a cat and she’s lucky that she didn’t escape.

I’ve come to learn that she’s practically questioned to my husband WHY we have set boundaries each time
some thing has come up. So, as an example - pertaining to her leaving our back door open- instead of apologizing and complying- she questioned it and then proceeded to say something along the lines of “well I leave the door to my apartment patio open…” which then requires my husband to go on semi long winded explanations why it’s not OK to do so in our home. The same goes for the ADULT TYLENOL she nearly gave our son and all the garbage she tries to feed him.

example 1:she tried to give my now 3 year old (who was 2 at the time)- hot Cheetos; when he told her that wasn’t okay, she questioned it and proceeded to say something along the lines of “it’s just a chip/snack” and then that’s followed up with more explaining on my husband’s part before she even understands or agrees to it.

example 2 (I was not present for this incident): she used half a bottle of a mini hand sanitizer on my son’s hand while very close to a pizza my husband had ordered. My husband got upset with her because it was so much that many droplets landed on the pizza and she was going to feed my son a slice WHILE both of their hands were still drying. According to my husband, he had to explain over 5 different times why that was not OK. He portrayed that conversation as her questioning him the entire time why it was such a big deal. (IMO, she should have just apologized right off the bat…)

I told my husband that her questioning us/me and how we parent is in a way disrespectful. I certainly would not go into someone’s home, accidentally do something they didn’t appreciate, and instead of apologizing and complying when confronted- question why their boundary is a thing in the first place; regardless of my “understanding” of things. It feels like a lame excuse. it doesn’t make sense to me to say as a response: “oh I’m not supposed to just dig through your cabinets and pantry? But why? My friends let me do that.” Then wait for you to give an explanation before I submit to a “oh fine okay I understand”. What DOES make sense to me is saying “oh I’m so sorry I didn’t know. I won’t do that again”

And the same crap happened when I found out she nearly gave him an adult Tylenol. She got upset at my husband when he slapped it out of her hand. He told me he had to explain to her and gives the “she’s not from the US so she doesn’t know any better. She’s oblivious and doesn’t realize there’s children medication and adult medication” which has at some point progressed into him confessing he’d never trust her alone with our son.

Now, there was an incident today where a similar situation happened at a restaurant. She gave him crap without asking me. It got all over his clothes which escalated into him tantruming, which I had visibly shown I was annoyed with the whole situation causing my mother in law to leave early and expressing to my husband how she feels she has to walk on eggshells around me and that she feels like she does everything wrong.

so, I need some advice, tips, your insights on this. My husband has deemed himself out of being the middle man moving forward. I told him: me setting a boundary as our son’s parent shouldn’t illicit the response we keep getting from her (IE; the questioning, annoyance, and ‘eventual’ compliance). He says it’s not his problem to help his mom work through her personal feelings. Furthermore, I said to him “don’t you think she’s just going to come to you to complain any way if I’m the one directly confronting her when she does these arrogant things?” And he said that’s her problem, end of story.

so I’m just to be the bad guy in the mother in law/daughter in law situation? How is that fair to me? How does one set boundaries for their own damn child when they “hurt the feelings” of the in law?
honestly ridiculous and short of her ‘accidentally’ giving or doing something fatal to my son- WHERE IS THE DAMN LINE!!!!

(I will add one last example- she nearly drove him to a park 11 miles away [18 min drive] WITHOUT putting him into a car seat. Her reasoning? She didn’t know how to get him into ours and didn’t see the distance being that far so “what’s the problem”)

help a mom who’s slowly losing her sanity. TIA!!!

Why is she being left alone with your son?

your dh has said he doesn’t trust her

just say she can only have short visits which are supervised

if she kicks off tell her that then there’ll be no visits

she probably will kick off and then there’s a decision whether you tell her no visitd

yes your dh should handle the communication but if he won’t just stand firm

@2024onwardsandup - She hasn’t been alone with him. All of these incidents have been around mostly him with some of them I have been present for. She just literally just does things without considering anything at all. Even tho my husband has been there.

You are understandably frustrated @aubs427

You are not responsible for her feelings.

Never leave her alone with your child, ever. How on earth did she get him in the car without you noticing?

Hide all medication (how does she even know where it is?)

You are not the bad guy, you are your child's Mum, what you say, overrides everything

Your husband is correct when he says that if she complains about you confronting her "that’s her problem, end of story" He sounds like he's supportive, excellent.

Learn Spanish, it's a lovely language and not too difficult. Free online
https://www.duolingo.com/course/es/en/Learn-Spanish

Lastly, take a wee step back, she makes you rage but then you sorta lose perspective. You do hold all the cards @aubs427

Good luck!

id Probably say no visits to be honest and not have anything to do with her to be honest

otherwise one visit for a half hour and both of you are there and supervising

she’ll kick off. Ignore it.

It sounds like most of these issues are around food? Can you just keep your son very close during mealtimes whenever she’s round? If she’s never alone with him (which sounds sensible imo) then things like the car seat thing won’t be able to happen.

Your husband doesn’t get to “rule himself out” of being the middle man just because his mum is crossing parenting lines you’ve both agreed on. Personally I’d only see her when he’s around I think.

@beetr00 - I’m at work. I work during the daytime 7-3. My husband work’s overnight. Most of these things happen while I’m working and have no control 😭

@Zapx - he takes our son over to her apartment multiple times a week. The car seat thing happened because he was over at her apartment complex and he was intending on taking him to the park after lunch. He invited her to come with…so all three headed to HIS car (has the car seat) but apparently he left her with our son to quickly grab something from her apartment and apparently in the few minutes that took- came back and saw her putting our son in HER car instead of ours with the car seat.

my husband left his car unlocked and had the back door open… again, she just took it upon herself to change the plan essentially.

@beetr00 - see my response to @Zapx about the car seat 😭

Just use the broken record technique

we don’t do things that way, we are doing it this way
we don’t do it like that, we are doing it this way
we are not going to do that, we are doing it this way

no explination needed as that opens debate and your parenting style isn’t up for debate

repeat, repeat repeat

@aubs427 could your husband insists she comes to your place instead of going to hers maybe? Easier to hide stuff like medication etc?

Also are you sure there’s not something more going on with your MIL? Like memory issues etc? I ask because I genuinely can’t think of anyone I know who’d try and transport a 3yo without a car seat? Seems an extremely odd thing to do?

@Zapx - after her leaving our back door open the way she did- he doesn’t invite her over anymore.
and, unfortunately- she has been to our house again since the incident because my husband needed to go to our son’s school to turn in paperwork (we live 2 min from the school)- and asked her to come over for that brief period. He told me that he’d be gone at most 10 minutes and felt OK to leave her alone with him. He told me he re-iterated house rules to her before he left.

i Was at work when he had to do the paperwork thing and i explicitly told him I’d check our indoor camera a few min at a time to make sure nothing funny was happening. And, I caught her feeding my beagle table food! I called him right away and his response was “I’m almost home”

later on that day, he told me he talked to her and again she said to him per his portrayal- she’s never owned a dog before and didn’t think it was a big deal. He said he had to explain multiple times to her until she gave in or acknowledged.

memory issues? Idk maybe. Nothing diagnosed and nothing I’d likely know about. But, my husband told me that she got mad at him because she “felt scolded” and that she didn’t know how to buckle our son’s car seat and assumed it would be OK to go in her car since the park wasn’t far.

The only thing I can suggest is to take more control. For example, don't go to her place, meet her in a local park and bring snacks and drinks.

If she comes to yours it's obviously easier to control the narrative. Again, if you have organised snacks and drinks, she can just give them to him. If she brings food, thank her and leave them by the door.

There's quite a lot of unnecessary drama going on. Did your husband need to slap something out of her hand? Was it necessary to make a big fuss about his clothes getting messy? Does a few drops of hand sanitiser near a pizza need the hysterics?

he takes our son over to her apartment multiple times a week.

Sound like he is farming out part of his share of parenting to his Mum.

Agree with this.

He needs to just keep your son with him. Need to pop back to the apartment? Take your son. Need to go to the school? Take your son. No need to leave him with her

@username299 - the slapping out of hand was his reaction when he saw the two pills nearly being given to our son. I wasn’t there so what he told me was he had slapped it out of her hand. That goes the same with the sanitizer. Hysterics is definitely a good description. But, to clarify. I wasn’t there either time. I was at work and he told me after the fact that these things happened and how he reacted.

and, of course the clothes thing wasn’t a big deal. It was the continued fact that she continues to do things without any consideration and extremely carelessly. Even after apparently being told many many times not to do certain things.

@GeorgeMichaelsCat - there is definitely an element of him taking her there for help. But, every time he goes over; it’s usually them just having mother/son time- lots of chit chatting. At most she’s done (when I’ve been there on the occasional Saturday) is she cooks basic food, which I’ve NEVER had an issue with. She can be the grandmother she wants to be and connect/bond with her grandson. but, I’ve specified chips, snacks, candies, even sweet drinks like juices or sodas are a no go. I’ve said a cookie or two is fine every now and then, but beyond that- I don’t want my son eating too many sweets. MY reason? Diabetes runs in my family so as his mom- this is the decision I’ve made is to limit and even restrict completely certain sugary snacks/sweets. And yes I have mentioned this many times too (husband having to essentially be translator every time).

he doesn’t nap or catch up on sleep there (at least that I know of) since he’s expressed he’d never trust her alone for that long of a period. So the help would be minimal.

@Disasterclass & @GeorgeMichaelsCat - I want to clarify that my husband is there and awake the entire time he goes to the apartment. He goes to essentially visit and hang out with his mom. And as a side effect; she gets to spend time with her grandson as well. He’s not dropping our son off or is leaving him there. He is literally there, awake, and fully present every time he goes to visit.

And yet, despite he is always there, she has been feeding your child things you disagree with. I think your husband is feeding you a line on how annoyed he actually is to his mother's face. I see this as a husband problem.

@aubs427

He is literally there, awake, and fully present every time he goes to visit.

Then how did his child nearly get given the wrong medication and is being given inappropriate food and drink?

@username299 - he went to the bathroom and came out to discovering said things happening.

unfortunately, she does things even when I’ve been there. The last few times I’ve been over; things are fine and everything is peachy. Today was the first instance in maybe about a month and a half since her coming over to our house so my husband could run to the school. That was the last time she did something that I actually witnessed.

@SardinesOnGingerbread - you mean to say his reaction to her is causing her to feel upset about the boundaries he’s setting?
in all the times I’ve been present and was actually there when he would essentially translate my boundaries; he’s done it in a normal tone as far as I can tell. There has been a few times that
I can say for certain there’s a lot of back and forth when he has done so and there have been a few times I’ve heard the tone of his voice change to the type of ‘I’m repeating myself and I won’t do it again…’ then she usually backs down and the room seems somewhat tense for a brief period.
Otherwise the only time he said he had an attitude with her was the Tylenol and sanitizer situation.

@SardinesOnGingerbread - he was very clear today that he agreed with how I felt about things. He did validate my frustrations. He also reminded me that this is something he’s dealt with his entire life. he wanted me to essentially bite my tongue and not express vocally or even physically (like when I look annoyed) if things happen again in the future.
And ultimately said that his mom having hurt feelings about boundaries is ridiculous, and said I need to stop caring about how she feels. He said to let her question us if/when we set boundaries … because she’s not likely going to stop doing that.