Coparenting Ex moving new GF in

[Lysco]

My ex husband and I coparent 50/50 (1 week with me, next with him). He met a new GF in May through OLD. He introduced her to our children, 18,16 and 14 in July and they met her again at the start of August. On returning from a holiday with me at the end of August, the children returned to his house to find she had moved in her belongings and had set up her home office in the kitchen. They were upset that she was staying overnight and felt uncomfortable entering the kitchen. They tried to discuss the situation with dad saying they felt uncomfortable and didn’t like it because they didn’t know her well enough. New GF took offence, cried and argued with their dad and took her stuff and left. He blamed the children for making them split up. He stopped talking to our 16 year old saying she was rude to new GF and needed to apologise, which she did the next time she visited, though denied being rude. Over the next few weeks there were lots of arguments with the children complaining to dad that they felt uncomfortable and not wanting new GF around. She moved her stuff in/out three times in one week. Each time she left in tears complaining the children were ruining everything. The children asked dad to slow down with introducing new GF. He agreed to scale it back to no sleep overs when the kids were there. The agreement was broken within 2 days, sparking more rows. Our eldest returned home to find them in bed together and she knocked on the bedroom door asking dad for a chat. She asked why he had broken the agreement. He said it was his house and he could. Daughter called me and asked to come to mine overnight instead, which she did. She rang dad the next day to discuss. New GF took the phone and started yelling down the phone. This went on a while. Daughter asked to speak only to dad, which wasn’t facilitated. Daughter hung up. She returned to dads house the next day for some belongings. She has since received a text message from dad (although the language used is not what my ex would normally write, so I would imagine GF has written it) to say she can move in with me if she’s not prepared to accept the relationship. Both the older children are miserable. Youngest is not bothered. The children want the coparenting with dad to continue, but are not ready to accept the fast pace of the new relationship. The GF has upset the older two children over a lot of things, including intercepting all their calls to dad, replacing a photo of them on his mobile home screen with a photo of herself, interrupting their conversations with dad and telling them they are rude, disgraceful and immature. The children have decided they don’t like her at all. She told our16 year old that her goal was to move in permanently by xmas. Any helpful suggestions on how to navigate this? I have asked my ex for a chat about it but he has refused.

I don't think you can force your children to be there if there isn't a way to have a reasonable relationship with there father.

sounds like it could have been handled a lot better and new gf is not ready to take on three teens

how long ago did you and ex split up? Unless the split is very new I am
surprised that ex is refusing to engage in any conversation about his kids’ unhappiness

in short term: ask the kids if they want to change the arrangements and stay with you instead. Tell dad he needs to pay child support accordingly. Help the older two kids to understand that youngest has a right to accept the new relationship just same as they have a right to object to it, to avoid any rift arising. Help youngest feel okay about wanting to maintain 50:50 even if the older two will be staying at home. High chance youngest won’t want to split from siblings and might anyway reduce contact

I would let the kids know they don’t have to continue doing 50/50 ( assuming that’s ok with you). Maybe suggest they live with you full time, and organise to see their dad for a day or an evening then come home.

It will be interesting to know his reaction to this change in the children's living arrangements results in your Ex having to pay child maintenance...

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance will help him focus on how he wants to address his children’s needs.
The girlfriend is his problem and he shouldn’t allow her to become his children’s problem.

At 18 16 and 14 they’re old enough to decide where they want to live.

I would tell them that they don’t have to stay there if they don’t want to. My DC were similar ages when they stopped staying at their dad’s for similar reasons. He refused to hear anything from me and insisted that the DC tell him themselves, so they did.

His GF was a similar type, screaming and shouting and throwing things, except the added complication was that she fell pregnant within months of them being together. They’re still together although I’m positive that if it wasn’t for the fact they have a DC they wouldn’t be. Their DC has SN and she’s openly said that she doesn’t want a disabled child. So I think he likely has stayed for that reason.

The kids haven’t stayed there overnight now for about 10 years although they’re adults now. But they see him maybe two or three times a year and have 0 relationship with their half sibling.

Even his mother is appalled at him.

What a selfish pathetic excuse of a father

This could have an enormous impact on those poor kids

Why he couldn’t just see her on his week off is beyond me!

claim maintenance and tell the kids they no longer need to go!

and tell him they will visit when she isn’t there!

It’s so sad to hear when parents put a new partners demands over the needs of their own children, I’m so sorry they’re going through this. They need a steady hand as things feel so out of control and that has to be you. Stay calm and reasonable but at ALL costs put their needs first, they need to know they are heard and that they matter. You might want to look at any extra support you can get from friends or relatives to help if needed if you now become a fully time single parent. Also, to point out the obvious maybe, you are no longer coparenting, their dad has now made it clear he’s not willing to listen to his kids needs nor entertain your thoughts on this situation so please be strong for your kids and reframe the relationship you have with their dad now, they need you to steer the ship for now and maybe forever from now on. Take care of yourself, this sounds hard x

Legally a judge would allow the kids to choose how much contact they had with each parent.

It sounds like the most likely final result is the kids sleep at yours and very day and see dad for a few hours here and there or they don’t see him at all if the situation has become too toxic.

You can’t really do anything apart from listen to the kids when they need to vent and support the contact pattern that they want. I have 3 kids and they all had massively different contact schedules to each other because the divorce made it apparent that they had very different relationships with their dad.

If he won’t discuss with you then it sounds like there is very limited scope for you to navigate a good path. Is there anyone you can ask to talk to him who might be more influential?

In any case, telling the kids you can’t force him to change his mind but they don’t have to continue 50/50 if they don’t want to (assuming this is true and you don’t work nights or something that would make it dodgy for the younger one) seems like the most supportive.

I might also try to find a way to let them know that people can make selfish choices sometimes and come to regret them later and t might be good, if they can, to try not to let it colour their opinion of him too much. Not sure about this, though. I think it’s true - he may well come to regret it. But I don’t think it’s good to tell kids, especially not teens, to be too trusting of someone who is treating them badly. At this age they need to be developing the ability to recognise when things are going badly and take action to look after themselves. (Also, I’d be so angry with him).

If they decide not to stay at his then I would immediately put in a claim for child maintenance. It’s likely the only real pressure you can leverage, not to mention, it’s right you should be able to offset the additional costs.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I agree with all you have written. Very helpful advice. Thanks guys. I have told the children they have the choice to be with me 100% and that they don't need to do anything they don't want as far as dad, or his new GF are concerned. I have bought a book on how to manage such situations, which I am hoping they might take the time to read.

Nailed then hey super mum 😊 good luck with it all x

Sorry to hear your experience. Many people have suggested maintenance payments. This will be difficult. He is self employed with a creative accountant. He lied through our divorce settlement. The system could not cope with his level of slipperiness and my solicitor was a waste waste of. I expect he will be similarly slippery with my trying to get maintenance now. Trying to get him to pay anything towards paying for one off things for the children is near impossible. He enforced the 50:50 co-parenting because he didn’t want to pay ‘Maintenance’ and couldn’t bring himself to even say the M word, saying he would never give me a penny - the first time ever that he has been true to his word! So, I accepted the 50:50 and got a part time job. He passed majority of the care of the children to his sister and dad. All the same, I think he had a big shock at the hard work involved in the child care and looking after a large family home. My life took a turn for the better without him. I got some time to myself :) and within 6 months I’d secured a well paid job. We split 6 years ago and settled our divorce 1.5 years ago, so there has been a lot of time to move on. We speak infrequently, only about child matters. I have a new partner too, a very kind and thoughtful man, the children like him. We have been respectful of the childrens needs. The older two children are devastated by dads recent actions. They had no idea he could be so cold. They are just learning what he’s really like.

I realise that your children are old enough to decide for themselves but what seems odd to me about this shared care is that you’ve got your home, your ex has his home, but where do the children call home?

Weird take to jump onto a thread about coparenting if you’ve never even heard of a 50/50 arrangement? It’s not the ops job to explain the very very basics to you.

op, I think you just detach, tell the children they have a home at yours and you will support them to see their dad if they want. Stop trying to talk to him, message him and say I’m done trying to make this right, they are always welcome to live with me, and I guess they were always going to find out how selfcentred you are at some point. They are wonderful children and your life will be poorer for this.

its still a good question: where do the children call home? Yes we have 50/50 split, so they spend half time at his and half at mine. He retained the family home and, after a few years at my moms, whilst waiting for divorce settlement, I bought a house. His home is a beautiful old place, lots of space. Mine a modest, ugly place. I worried the children would feel their home with me to be inferior. At first they were bothered about the small bedroom sizes and lack of space compared with what they were used to. I started again with no belongings, so we were able to chose new things together to make it feel more like theirs. They were born in dads house, and so they naturally feel a greater draw to that home. I was worried that it might affect how they settled with me. I needn’t have worried. They have embraced their new rooms, which we decorated together. I was surprised to read my middle childs Spanish homework, a year after moving in, where she was asked to describe her home. She described my house, not dads, but they often prefer to take their friends to dads as there’s more space there. All in all, they have equal feelings for both homes. We have discussions about where they should put as their principal home when they make applications for different things. I usually say to put dads, I don’t know why, I suppose I am a traditional girl at heart, and I still feel that he is the head of the family. They have become well adjusted to the new arrangements. I asked them how they felt about the difference in the two places and they wisely said that a home in more than just a property : Home is about love. The recent changes at dads has definitely caused a shift in their desire to be at his. The eldest is reassessing everything at present. She still wants a relationship with dad, but I think if the issues with new GF continue she might reluctantly leave and come to live 100% with me. Not sure yet about the other two, but like another mumsnetter said, they will likely want to stick together at the same address. So, if eldest moves to mine, the others will likely do the same.

Give yourself a shake op, what is this rubbish?? We have discussions about where they should put as their principal home when they make applications for different things. I usually say to put dads, I don’t know why, I suppose I am a traditional girl at heart, and I still feel that he is the head of the family. You are a strong capable single mum and please if there are any ways you convey to your children that dads are the heads of the family no matter what level of asshole they are, then STOP. You are too clever to just carry on such stereotypes that put down all your accomplishments as not much- you are the head of your family, you are a much better head of family than your ex is of his dwindling family life. You deserve credit and appreciation for that role, and your children deserve a clear message from their mum that you are in charge and you are enough. Your house is their home.