Child to Adult problems -

[Mumofadultkid]

I'm thinking of sending this to my adult kids - we had a huge blow-up over chores and 18 year old staying in bed all day. I'm now being accused of damaging their mental health, that they need some downtime to chill with their friends and I should be supportive as a parent.

Please be kind - I am at a breaking point with this and a whole heap of stuff I have been through this year.
Here is it: -

I have tried to explain to you all how I am feeling, I am at breaking point and all I am asking for is some help around the house. The help is for XXXXXX to clean the kitchen and feed the dogs - daily. I have been asking for a couple of weeks for you to do this XXXXXX, which you haven’t, which resulted in me stopping your Wi-Fi access until you did it – what else can I do if you won’t help out despite me asking over and over and over for you to help me.
You are now an adult, and staying in bed till late in the afternoon, after being up all-night gaming and not helping around the house is just not ok.
Not going to work because you don’t feel like it – is also not “adulting”.
Adulting is taking the rough with the smooth and life is not a bed of roses.
Yes, you have had three exams, but you finished school 5 weeks ago! And we have given you 5 weeks to relax and chill. But now is the time to step up. I shouldn’t have to ask you, let alone “nag” you, let alone have to take drastic action to get you to do some simple chores if you can’t show restraint with constant excessive overnight gaming, which is impacting your day-to-day activities - then it is up to me as a parent to do that. There needs to be a balance XXXXXX!
I was deeply hurt, upset and distraught when you (XXXXX) implied that I wasn’t doing my job as a mum, a parent supporting XXXXXX, and I suspect there was part of that about you too. But neither is letting your 18-year-old lay in bed til late in the afternoon, letting them stay up all through the night gaming and then dealing with the fallout because they’re “tired” This is also not a good example of being a Mum. Despite my best efforts of trying to talk about this –XXXXXX has chosen not to. What else am I supposed to do?
You (XXXXXX) asked me to sort out the XXXXXXX (small course) for you, which I did, straight away. You asked me to help you with the first few questions, and to set it up on my laptop, which I did on your “schedule” when you were ready … I moved my schedule around to make that work for you. I honestly don’t recall you offering to pay, but even if you did you know I would always say I’ll cover it to help you out. But this hurts when I am working full time, and you are turning down extra shifts…………. And constantly calling in sick to work because you are too tired and not at least giving something in return – such as a couple of easy chores. It's give and take XXXXXX – as is most things in life, we all help each other out and that’s how it should be. Unconditional does not mean unlimited.
Since then, you have said on at least three occasions you were going to work on your XXXXXX in the afternoon – so I set it up for you on my laptop and moved my work to the living room on my own personal laptop so you could use my work laptop. Only for you to not “bother”.
It’s time to step up and help yourself and play your part in this household. I am sick of asking and as you saw I am at breaking point, I have had many heartbreaking deaths this year, and have also been studying whilst holding a full-time job down – all whilst being a Mom and a wife. Whatever you guys have asked for I have provided in terms of support in all your endeavours. I know you think Moms are invincible and should be absolutely perfect – but we’re not, and I’m not and we all have breaking points.
Yes I am not the best mom, but you both know I would walk over broken glass and lay my life down for you guys – but talking to me like this, accusing me of not supporting you when it seems like you can’t do what you want when you want is just not ok.
You’ve said you can’t wait to leave – can you imagine if I turned that on its head and said that to you – can you imagine what that feels like?
Before you respond, I want you to think about how it would feel for you to be having to send a note like this, and what would you hope the reply would be?
Love you both, always and forever
Mom xxx

Don't send it.

Step back and detach.

Stop doing things for them. They want stuff done, they do it.

If you have to send a message, say no chores means no WiFi.

Most teens throw I hate you and you're a bad aren't around. They don't mean it any more than your toddler did.

Goodness. I’m sorry OP. My kids are not at the age yet (eldest is 12) and I’m a bit worried about what is to come. What I would say is maybe reframe your note. Don’t use the word help. You don’t want them to help you. You want them to contribute to the household they live in. They are a part of it and it comes with privileges and responsibilities. You don’t want to keep reminding them. Hope this helps.

Hopefully writing this has been therapeutic, but there's no way you should send it.

It's very emotional and I can imagine would be quite upsetting for your child to read.

Teens can be hugely selfish, so you're not alone there.

I didn't read it all and I'm not one of your teens! OP, it's far too long and I'm not sure if they would read it or take it all in.

As others have said, let them fend for themselves more. If they run out of clothes they wash their own surely.

Do they work? You should charge a small rent.

Sorry you're upset. It sounds like you've had a difficult and emotional year.

I think you know you shouldn't send this. It's far too long. If you want to express this to them, keep it very short and direct.
"I'm writing a note because I felt hurt when you called me a bad mum. As an adult member of the family, please speak to me with the respect you would expect to receive. Adults take a share of responsibility - they attend work unless they really can't, work to meet deadlines and take responsibility for certain household tasks without endless reminders. Please make sure XYZ is done in a timely fashion"

If they really don't get their act together then they should probably be looking for a flat share. You don't skip shifts if you have rent to pay. Crash course in adulting consequences may be needed.

They do work - 10 hours a week but turn down extra shifts and call in sick at least once a week. I did think of board - I might give that a go.

Yeah I wouldn't send that. It won't solve your problem, only add to it.

Hi. Don't send it. It was really good for you to get it all out of your head and write down, and you are right in what you say, however it won't translate to teenage language.

They pay board 100%. Do they pay for their own phone bills etc?

Way too long - they won't read it. Just stop doing things for them, and don't give them any money. That will sort them out.