Child that doesn't really play

[MajaTime]

I'm going a bit insane with DD1 (newly 4) who just won't play with toys. Looking back now and comparing her with DD2 (newly 1), the difference is so stark because I'm realising that DD1 has never really played with toys. We've got toys of all kind (play kitchen, cars, train, magnets, blocks, dolls, arts and crafts, puzzles and boardgames). She doesn't engage with any of them. She doesn't engage with the ones they have at a weekly playgroup we go to either. She mostly aimlessly wanders around. She goes to nursery four mornings a week and they say she joins for the structured activities but carelessly tries to get it over with as quickly as possible (e.g. drawing something) and then just wrestles with the boys. Her inability to engage with toys is really starting to get to us. All she does at home all day is run, spin, jump, climb. She has a small trampoline and a climbing frame. We get her out of the house every day. But it's never enough. All day, relentlessly and it's making for a chaotic and restless atmosphere at home. For example, I've tried setting up a scene with a doll and play with her and DD2 but now all she's doing is running back and forth with the doll and spinning with it. It's making me and DD2 feel on edge.

She does gymnastics four days a week. They said she is extremely advanced and have put her in with the older kids (recreational). She listens well, follows instructions and it's not obvious that she's younger than the others. I'm only mentioning this because my mum keeps saying she could have ADHD but I don't think so (she's too young anyway).

I just can't do this anymore. I need her to just stop and sit down and play something. Anything. And before anyone says it, she gets 30 minutes of tv, we don't have a tablet, and I'm very strict about sugar.

Please someone tell me this will get better. Or should I just buy a human sized hamster wheel for her?

I’m a bit confused. Why do you need her to play? And play in the way you perceive that she should?

You are not confused.

Are you concerned about some kind of SEN or delay? Or is it just that you need a bit of quiet…which I fully understand?

When I say play, I mean, do something that isn't running across the entire house, throwing herself off the dining room table, jumping on the sofa, cartwheeling down the hall. All day long. From morning to evening. I literally just want a Sunday where she spends 30 minutes doing something like drawing or building with the magnets or pretending to run a cafe. Or even joining in cooking or doing the laundry. I'd love that! Idk, anything that doesn't make us feel like we're living in a circus. It's a tiny house and it just feels like a lot.

I literally just want a Sunday where she spends 30 minutes doing something like drawing or building with the magnets or pretending to run a cafe. Or even joining in cooking or doing the laundry.

Do you have a garden? Wrap her up, send her out and let her crack on…

I have a 4 year old boy who is very similar, although he can play with things he is very interested in (he hyper focuses). I am pretty convinced he will end up with an ADHD diagnosis. He also does gymnastics and goes to nursery and can focus on tasks/follow instructions. What makes you think your daughter doesn't have ADHD?

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister Yes we do and we try to send her out as much as we can but she's generally not a huge fan of the outdoors, so as soon as it's a bit cold and wet, she's not interested.

@Catchafallingstar321 I'm not convinced she doesn't. Just figured it was too early to say anyway. Her uncle has ADHD and with there being a bit of a genetic component, it's definitely possible.

My dd is ADHD/Autistic and spent the first 10 years 'on the go'. Couldn't sit for prolonged periods and needed constant physical stimulation such as climbing, hanging upside down, bouncing, swinging, spinning - sensory seeking.

The only time we got her to engage in 'sit down' activities was in tiny short bursts in between all of the physical stuff. So if she was doing a puzzle for example, it would be running around in between each few pieces that she laid.

She's home schooled because the environment was never suitable for her. Shes highly intelligent but can't sit and learn in a typical way. She's directed a lot of her physical needs into sports. It's exhausting for you as parents but it is what they need to be doing to make sense of the world and themselves, and often be able to sleep.

Sounds very much like ADHD to me.

I would speak to your GP or health visitor as it is a sign of neurodivergance.

She is sensory seeking with the constant need to move like this.

Waiting lists for assessment are long so the sooner you get on it the better tbh.

In the meantime see if she can be referred for an occupational therapist assessment as they will be able to help you work out how to meet these needs in ways that are (possibly) less manic and make her feel more settled.

My ds was exactly like this until we introduced him to Lego. Life changing.

I have worked in nurseries and infant schools and would suggest that by age 4 that level of "butterflying" between tasks and constant need for movement is not typical for that age and is suggestive of ADHD. If it concerns you, seek a diagnosis, but be aware that girls present differently to boys. My DD1 has ADHD and was like a labrador that needed to be constantly exercised. After DD2 reached the same ages it became apparent that how DD1 behaved as a preschooler and toddler was not within the normal range of behaviour.

If she has an uncle with ADHD then there's a strong chance she could have it too from what you've said. She's probably too young for diagnosis as you say, but I would assume that she may never sit quietly and play as you'd like and that's she'll probably always be on the go. I would let go of those hopes and then it might be easier to cope with!
I'd get her doing swimming lessons as as many active things as you can and be prepared that she might find school a struggle. I wonder if you can get exercise bikes for kids (might be a better option than a hamster wheel)!

Can you tire her out? There is a one kilometre Parkrun for children on Sunday mornings. Or swimming. Or is she a total energizer bunny?

Mine was the same at her age. Could never sit and play or do crafts. I played hide and seek and more physical games with her. One thing she did play with was kinetic sand while watching a movie or a programme. She's chilled out a bit more now she's 10.

She sounds neurodivergent. But whether she is or isn't doesn't really matter. I think for your own sanity you have to let go of notions of how she should play and just accept how she wants to play.

Have a really good look at her toys and only keep what she really loves. Get rid of the rest or put it away until your younger one is older if you think she'd like it.

If you store it away she might come round to the same toys in 6 months - 1 year. Kids can be like that. Her play might change.

Either way, for now you just need to lean into the way she wants to play. If you have the space I'd be getting her things she can jump and climb on for Christmas. Maybe wall bars or install a sensory swing seat in her room something. If she loves gymnastics maybe try her at something new like a few sessions at a climbing centre.

Mini exercise trampoline?

iPad 😬

Can you dedicate one of the rooms in your house as a playroom? Ninja gym??

Hi OP,

I think that this is how your daughter likes to play, and it might not be how you want her to, with the toys you bought, but everyone is different. The fact that she is able to engage with the boys and nursery is a good thing - she is able to engage socially, and make up games with the boys in her setting. I am curious if she is good in other areas, and if she is a good communicator? Can she use the toilet? Is she very impulsive?

At nursery they should be able to cater for her interests, and look at how she is able to use her crazy energy and physical acrobatics (in a safe way) for her to learn. Not everyone is a sit-down and learn at the table sort of child, even though this is the preferred way in most nurseries. Hopefully they have the space for her to run around and explore, and play things like ‘tag’ and ‘What’s the time Mr wolf?’ And working with friends to make up games and pretend play. She will have plenty of time in school sitting at desks, this is the time for exploring what she likes.

At home it might be fun to explore her interests and find things like exercise books (eg - https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0957352603/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1 ). We had this once when my child was into gymnastics. Have her go through this page by page, and this will help with literacy. Have her recite the ABC song whilst doing a handstand, play hopscotch upside-down, count how many cartwheels she can do and generally have a good time being active.

Good luck OP, she sounds lovely. I had an active one once, and then he turned into a teenager and refuses to leave his room.