MIL keeps comparing my parenting style to her DD’s. I don’t think I can face it again this year

[KasperBells]

We have in laws who are generally very nice people. They are from Australia and stay with us in the UK for about a month every year. Last time they were here I had to bite my tongue a fair few times as they kept comparing our parenting to how her daughter parents her children.
We are off to Aus for Christmas and I am dreading having my parenting scrutinised and it pointed out how SIL does X, Y, Z so maybe I should too. For the record I find SIL’s parenting authoritarian- it’s not the way that I was raised and I would not like that sort of upbringing for my children.
Any tips on how to politely shut down unsolicited parenting advice?

Just laugh loudly and say “ill ask if I need parenting advice, another mince pie anyone?”

Do they also make parenting digs at your oh Parrot it back at them. They say SIL does x and you say how nice/interesting. .We do z because your ds/ dd and I have made the decision that this is best for our family. It's good that we can all make our own choices for our children isn't it?

Keep bouncing it back and putting a positive spin on how you and your oh are making decisions based on what you believe is the best for your children. Emphasis on your oh as they are possibly less likely to want to criticise their own child.

Just say ‘Well, I think X is completely wrong’ over and over.

Why doesn't your DP push back when they criticise? Is SiL the golden child or is it just that her parenting is similar to your in laws' style.

Stop biting your tongue. She isn't bothered about offending you, so why do you offer her that courtesy?

Isnt it great how different everyone is

horses for courses

that sounds interesting

how lovely

well each to their own

well kindness makes the world go round

etc etc. on repeat. And give yourself a choccie treat each evening that you spot 3 of these comments in a day. It makes it like a game of bingo and that takes the sting out of it

I'm trialling benign neglect while here in Oz

That wouldnt work fir us
is another good answer.

What does your DP/DH says to those comments?

I would ask her why she's telling you and not her son. It's so hard to know if YABU when we don't know what the driver is for this - is it that your children show low-level antisocial behaviour, or about them being on devices more than your SIL's kids, or about getting messy in their play? She WNBU if it was the first, but the last two are your call.

These are what I would call low-level antisocial behaviour that I've seen from children, and that I think (if unchecked) would mean you aren't parenting your children well enough:
They scream excessively when playing outside
They pick flowers from gardens or public spaces
They walk into flowerbeds
They litter
They don't notice other children waiting to play on a piece of play equipment
They run around or disturb other diners in restaurants etc.
They touch things they aren't supposed to, in shops/ museums etc.
They waste or break things with a low monetary price but high environmental price
They don't say please or thank you, or notice when others have made a small sacrifice for them.

Not saying you put up with any of these and of course this is only one opinion. I do think a lot of the whole world has become quite self-centred and that society everywhere would improve if people could always be thinking about others' feelings, so I wouldn't berate her for trying to promote that.

Ooh I love this, thank you! ☺️

My husband works very long hours/ often abroad so he’s not always there when I get the top tips for parenting!! I try to tell myself they are only trying to be helpful but I feel increasingly annoyed/ upset by it.

When the in laws stay with us it is for weeks and weeks on end and I do find that the kids get increasingly niggly as the weeks go on and can play up as they want things just to go back to the 4 of us. It is a bit embarrassing when they want me to do bed time/ reading without the grand parents (and articulate this in front of them… arrrghh!) but I think this is normal child behavior

“Do you not think my kids are great? It’s just you keep suggesting things I could do to improve them? I personally think they’re wonderful.” Then saunter off leaving the awkward silence in your wake

How old are the kids?
They probably want some 1:1 time with mummy and that's entirely normal.

This

Or tell her to fuck off

Not quite the same but my MIL leaves out a bowl of fruit in her kitchen with neatly washed and destemmed grapes looking very inviting. DD when little was helping herself. DH next to her and MIL nearby in the kitchen. MIL walked past DH and DD came outside ( I was in the garden) and called 'are you happy that DGD is having all this fruit?' I replied without even thinking 'DD's other parent, your som is right there, why don't you ask him?'

The impact was she never ever comments on parenting DD to me and on the rare occasions she has commented to DH is when I have been out of earshot and only about his parenting 😁.

Perhaps spin it like that too? In front of MIL: 'best wait till DH is back to comment on his parenting if you want to compare with his sister...big smile'

Thank you, some really helpful suggestions.
i love this one:
“Do you not think my kids are great? It’s just you keep suggesting things I could do to improve them? I personally think they’re wonderful.” Then saunter off leaving the awkward silence in your wake- from Zapx. Not rude- but makes it clear that a criticism of my parenting is also a criticism of my children.
it’s interesting about the fruit thing because one of the themes of the in-laws is being very controlling about food - rationing fruit and forcing empty plates. Obviously I wouldn’t condone my children eating junk but I think they should be allowed to stop eating when they feel full and I don’t force them to eat food they clearly don’t like.

Why do you think she is doing it? Is it because she think SIL is doing the right thing or is she just makimg conversation?

Good question. It might be partially making conversation, it might be well meaning tips, trying to be genuinely helpful- I really don’t think they are meaning to be rude or condescending. Hence I don’t want to be rude but due to extended time spent together I need to make it clear I don’t want to feel I’m having my parenting style critiqued along with unsolicited advice based on their own daughter being the ‘gold standard’ in parenting (um, she’s really not) .