I don’t know what to do

[Marian220]

I have a 2 year old autistic daughter (on pathway for diagnosis) and a 3 month old baby who we decided to have before my daughter started really struggling/showing signs of neurodivergence.

i feel like I am living a nightmare every day. I love my children so much yet they are just so unhappy. I am so unhappy. My partner is unhappy. We have no family nearby and not many friends anymore (it’s so hard to get out with our daughter who becomes so disregulated out of our house). We tried nursery and it was horrific for her (and us to witness) and so we have no childcare apart from a babysitter who has just started coming 1 morning a week to play with my daughter. My daughter has no fear and no real communication or recall. it is so hard to keep her safe / meet her needs. I have to be on it and near her constantly and feel like I just live in a total state of fear and am desperate for help and a break yet also terrified at the thought of not being there with her.

i am a SAHM and I don’t get a second to myself which I know doesn’t help. We sleep with 1 child each as our daughter has major sleep issues (we are on the pathway for help) and needs assistance all night. My partner tries to help as much as possible but works full time. I really struggle to get out of the house because my daughter won’t walk and does nothing willingly, it becomes a huge ordeal even trying to get her in and out of the buggy with baby in the sling. The meltdowns are intense. My anxiety is just through the roof and I have had a few panic attacks.

I feel like I cannot cope anymore. I am already on anti depressants but I am just feeling suicidal every day. I feel trapped because I don’t want to traumatise my children by suicide (my mum made a few attempts when I was younger) but I know I can’t give them a good life because I am at absolute capacity doing the bare minimum and it is nowhere near enough.

i am trying to hold off saying I’m suicidal to the GP until my life insurance goes through but I don’t think in reality I can wait that long. I don’t want to cause a problem with the children being taken away if I say it. I tried to get help with a nurse coming to talk to me but the children obviously had to be there as it was only during the week and it was just carnage every session.

i feel so out of options and can’t see any future or way out. I wish I could just escape.

You need to see your GP asap. You are having suicidal ideation and have a three month baby so there will be a causal link there plus you are going through a lot with your two year old. My ASC son was hard work at that age so I remember it well. He is in work, has a flat and drives his own car. Speech and language therapy would be useful to you. But, you need to tell your husband and you need to get help for your mental health.
Good luck.

Yes, please please see your gp, this is not ok lovely
My oldest 2 boys have ASD and there is only 12 months between them and I remember the younger years being pure HELL, I felt like I was treading water and constantly drowning in it all, I don't really know what else to say other than hang in there, your youngest is still sooo tiny and it honestly will get easier to navigate, my boys are 5&6 at Christmas time and it's so much easier now than it was when they were little
Sending you a big hug
But please speak to people, in real life don't be afraid to reach out, it's a lonely life as a SAHM sometimes especially when you feel trapped xx

I am so sorry you feel this way!
I can't even imagine how difficult your situation must be.

I can only say that it will get better. Your autistic daughter will get help - and hopefully, a special needs school along the way eventually.
I used to work with small children in a special needs school - as far as I understand, getting the diagnosis is a long road, but after that, you will receive help.

How are you financially? Can you hire more help? Even a cleaner for a few hours or more babysitting would lift some weight off your shoulders. How about meals? Can you get freshly cooked meals delivered rather than cooking?

You need to talk to your husband about you needing a day or at least a half day off. Get a babysitter to your home on a weekend for a half day, and your husband can be with the baby.

Look around your area for baby cinemas. You can take the little one (they will sleep through the movie anyway) while your husband will stay home with your daughter. You should also look into support groups for parents with autistic children.