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Original poster

Children witnessing domestic violence

29 replies

BeeHoney07 · 02/12/2024 21:13

Hi, just want some advice.
I have 2 DS’s who have told me that they have witnessed their Dads partner hit him. They are constantly arguing/shouting. She has hit my 2 DS’s. Me and ex have shared custody no court order.
I feel like I have no power to take them. Has anyone else had this who can share their experience and guide me to what I can do. I have spoke with social services, schools and solicitors.
i know I can keep them but I don’t want them to go through the traumatic scene of ex banging on the door etc.

OP posts:
ACatNamedRobin · 02/12/2024 22:49

I'm across the water (RoI) but unfortunately my second hand experience is that noone cares in a similar scenario.

My partner's ex even admitted to the police to assaulting him in front of their daughter but nothing came out of it, the reaction of social services, our equivalent of CAHMS is very dependent on the gender of the abuser

Original poster
BeeHoney07 · 03/12/2024 06:29

@ACatNamedRobin it’s so bad, my eldest DS has said to me he doesn’t want to go back to the house I just feel so helpless and letting them down.
According to NSPCC it’s a form of child abuse so I will be rattling cages today. I’ve hardly slept thinking of my little ones.
I can’t believe there is no power in these services to protect children or help for the parents to go to court who are on low income or just simply can’t afford to.

OP posts:
Usernamesarenoteasy · 03/12/2024 06:31

It's bad enough that his partner has hit him in front of the kids, but forget that for a second.
HIS PARTNER HIT YOUR KIDS!
There is no way my kids would be going anywhere where someone was going to hit them.
How old are they?

WhatMe123 · 03/12/2024 06:33

This is a safe guarding matter op and needs to be reported and your sons stopped going there. Witnessing domestic violence is traumatic and I'm a therapist and a large proportion of who I see are in therapy as they witnessed this as children. Its a big deal please remove your sons

Thevelvelletes · 03/12/2024 06:35

A DV household is no place for children to be.get them out of there.
I grew up in a DV household I saw and heard things no child should witness,I was also battered.
It's taken 50years to reconcile with the help of CBT to come to terms with what happened to me.
Don't let DV mark your children.

TheSilkWorm · 03/12/2024 06:36

You don't need services to stop him from seeing them at this stage, you just need to report it to children's services, report any assault to your DC to the police and stop contact. If he starts harassing you then that is a criminal offence and you would then have access to the police. It's almost better for your case if he does harass you and you have a police record. If he does go to court then you have the argument then. Until that time you have the power to stop contact.

unsync · 03/12/2024 06:53

Have you reported the assault on your children to the Police? That would be my first step. Then you can keep them from going into that situation until it no longer exists and if he comes round and starts banging on the door, you call the Police - every single time.

InfoSecInTheCity · 03/12/2024 07:23

She's hit your sons, she can no longer be in there presence. You need to make your ex aware that unless he can guarantee she won't be there with them that he will need to visit at your house and you need to report the partner for hitting your children.

Original poster
BeeHoney07 · 03/12/2024 07:54

Hi everyone. Appreciate everyone’s comments. I know I need to get them out of there. It just seems whoever I speak to in the services there’s not much I can do apparently, apart from taking them but then there’s nothing stopping him taking them out of school himself and keeping hold of them. I haven’t contacted the police, the first incident was over a year ago towards my eldest and the second incident involving my youngest was in July when they were abroad. The social services have done nothing - they said as I didn’t report it straight away and have no evidence (even though I provided pictures from the aftermath) they shut the case, they also went of Dads voice as it being an “accident”
I know what everyone must think of me but from what I hear from the services I haven’t got a lot of power.
i was only told over the weekend that they have witnessed their Dad being hit in front of them. My sons are 9 and 7. They are already suffering and I have looked into private therapy for my eldest as he’s been on the waiting list via CAMS for over a year. His mental health is deteriorating and my youngest is getting the same and he sometimes lashes out on me hitting me, throwing things kicking. My oldest hits my youngest all the time sometimes over nothing. Deep down they are the most beautiful caring boys and it’s breaking my heart 💔

OP posts:
Riddledwithguilt · 03/12/2024 08:00

Give these folk a call. They helped me in similar circumstances.

www.childrenslegalcentre.com/about-us/what-we-do/

GiveMeAbitOfSugar · 03/12/2024 08:05

Im sorry OP but you need to give your head a wobble

Your child’s mental health is affected
She has hit your children and they witness abuse

FFS… STOP THEM GOING THERE NOW
Ring the police and report her!
And if ur ex cones knocking, tell him that the children are being abused and watching abuse, he may not care about himself but he has a responsibility to your children to safeguard them He can still see them but not with her there

daffodilandtulip · 03/12/2024 08:07

From a professional point of view, this is a safeguarding issue and a referral would be done immediately.

From a personal point of view, nobody will give a shit and you'll be blamed for making it up and using it as an excuse to stop contact.

Wolfiefan · 03/12/2024 08:15

You know you can keep them. So do. The upset of him banging on the door is nothing compared to being around DV.

Original poster
BeeHoney07 · 03/12/2024 08:15

I’m asking for advice no need to get nasty. I know I need to take them out of the house but I have no court order it’s easy for people to say “get them out of there” there’s nothing stopping Dad from taking them out of school and then what do I do as I wouldn’t be able to get them back. I have reported everything to Early Help/social services. I can’t afford court/solicitors fees and I have no evidence apparently I need evidence of DV which is impossible

OP posts:
TheSilkWorm · 03/12/2024 08:31

It just seems whoever I speak to in the services there’s not much I can do apparently

Which services are you expecting to help you? You haven't contacted the police which is the only service that an actually intervene. Otherwise taking action is a parenting decision and that's for you to make, not services.

TheSilkWorm · 03/12/2024 08:39

BeeHoney07 · 03/12/2024 08:15

I’m asking for advice no need to get nasty. I know I need to take them out of the house but I have no court order it’s easy for people to say “get them out of there” there’s nothing stopping Dad from taking them out of school and then what do I do as I wouldn’t be able to get them back. I have reported everything to Early Help/social services. I can’t afford court/solicitors fees and I have no evidence apparently I need evidence of DV which is impossible

You're right that evidence of DV is impossible if it's historic and police didn't take any action. But you're wrong to say that you wouldn't get the children back if he took them from school. If that happened you would apply for an emergency child arrangements order. If you genuinely think he would take them from school you can apply preemptively for a child arrangements order (lives with) and potentially a prohibited steps order.

I know you have contacted early help and social care but in situations like this the only services with any power are police and the courts

Original poster
BeeHoney07 · 03/12/2024 08:40

@TheSilkWorm I was hoping for the social services to step in and school to prevent Dad from picking them up. My concern is I’ll take them and then he can just go get them from school and keep them. I’ll contact the police today and report

OP posts:
Original poster
BeeHoney07 · 03/12/2024 08:42

@TheSilkWorm thank you. I just needed advice from other parents or carers who have been in similar scenarios and what they did when they’ve been told over and over that there’s nothing I can do

OP posts:
TheSilkWorm · 03/12/2024 09:08

Social services have no power to prevent a parent with PR from collecting children from school. Only a court order or bail conditions can do that.

spanieleyes · 03/12/2024 09:23

School can't prevent Dad from picking them up, he has PR. They can try to use delaying tactics and call you but that's about it UNLESS there is a court order in place. So that, and police, is the route you need to follow.

99OrangeBalloons · 03/12/2024 09:26

BeeHoney07 · 03/12/2024 08:40

@TheSilkWorm I was hoping for the social services to step in and school to prevent Dad from picking them up. My concern is I’ll take them and then he can just go get them from school and keep them. I’ll contact the police today and report

Legally neither social services nor school can do this. Only a court can do these things, and social services will expect you, as their parent, to meet your responsibilities to keep them safe and go to court if needed.
Social services are there for children who's parents cannot or will not keep them safe.

Original poster
BeeHoney07 · 03/12/2024 09:37

Thank you everyone. I’m going to apply for an emergency court order and also contact the police. Thank you everyone. All the services I have spoke to have only said to just take them but that won’t stop dad from taking them back. I don’t have many people to turn to regarding this so the help and push is greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Littlemiracles232504 · 03/12/2024 09:38

Sorry this is probably the wrong thing to say but if my kids dads girlfriend EVER hit my kids I'd be going round there and doing the same to her
This is disgusting behaviour, you need to hit the nail on the head (no pun intended) and stop these lovely kiddos being abused emotionally and physically, it wouldn't matter to me if the hitting incident happened 10 years ago, the point is that it happened in the first place, and because she's got away with it the first time she's done it again, there WILL be another if you don't sort this out sooner rather than later

Littlemiracles232504 · 03/12/2024 09:39

Offering a hug though, because this stressed me out even reading this so I can't imagine how your feeling 💐

99OrangeBalloons · 03/12/2024 09:41

BeeHoney07 · 03/12/2024 09:37

Thank you everyone. I’m going to apply for an emergency court order and also contact the police. Thank you everyone. All the services I have spoke to have only said to just take them but that won’t stop dad from taking them back. I don’t have many people to turn to regarding this so the help and push is greatly appreciated.

Well done OP 💐