Does my DS need his extended family?

[Usedphone]

I'm an expat, so all of my family lives across the pond (and even then there aren't that many of them, realistically my DM and some cousins).

My DHs family lives 8 hours away from us. Yea, he has a sister that is local to us, but we see her once a year for a couple of hours.

So in summary, no cousins, no uncles/aunties, the grandmothers see him once a year (for days/weeks) and one grandfather is dead, and one is in jail (I normally say he's dead, although my DD knows that's not necessarily true).

He has three older siblings, so I'd like to think that's enough. However, he keeps saying he talks/plays with his cousins/grandmas/grandpas so it makes me think he actually wants the interaction.

He's just turned 5 and started school this September.

It doesn't sound like you have much choice, so why fret about it. Very few people have everything in life that would be desirable. We learn to cope. And kids that get everything they want turn into monsters.

As a pp said, if you don’t have a choice, then you deal with what you have.

No, they don’t need extended family.
Family doesn’t have to be about blood, friends can fill the gaps, and sometimes they do a better job than family!

Unfortunately we don't have that many friends either! There's only a couple who have a daughter who our DS likes but then our older children don't like hanging out with them so it's a bit disjointed too, but it's not that bad.

I had no grandparents, no cousins, no aunts or uncles... we were fine.

I DO think interaction and engagement beyond the immediate family is important though. You need a broader social life. It doesn't have to be super fun for everyone all the time, but it needs to exist. DS doesn't particularly actively engage with some of our extended friends etc, but they are there and part of his life and definitely were when he was younger and they still feature on some level now. He knows, for example, that in an emergency, if me and DH are both at work, there's a good chance my friend Jane (made up name) would turn up to collect him if necessary and he would be fine with that. Similarly, Jane's children have been collected by me at various times, because we're part of their broader network. DS might be awkward and shy chatting with Maria and her DH, but deep down he loves that they want to hear about his sport and that Maria sends him his favourite home made jame. DD has little or nothig to do with DS' godmother who lives in another country, but she 100% knows who she is and feels that she is part of our extended family network. DH's oldest friends always make a point of chatting to the DC, even though the DC don't see them often. But it's the effort that's important.

These are all just small minor versions of our extended network that I think are really important. My children know there are other adults out there who care about them, even if they'r enot actively involved in their lives.

Sorry to disagree there, extended family is very important and has always been very important in my culture (Europe med) (agreeing with the blood part of course, it isn't about genes). It takes a village and if you've grown up that way, you do know the difference. Of course extended family can be a pain in the butt too, but not talking about exceptional family issues here.

Anyway, op having said all that, I'm in the same boat. And can't do anything about it. Feel sad my kids don't benefit from the set up I grew up with. Last year we visited and coming back they cried and wanted to be with the family it broke my heart. But such is life. Having siblings is wonderful. Visiting is too. Maybe when they are older they can stay longer during summer hols, going to day camps etc...

Also in the EU Carezzamia and it's very important. DH's family are all very neat, but a bit crap. One SIL is ace, and has DC the same age, we try to meet as often as possible.
My family are in the UK and we try to get across once a year which DC LOVE as I have a fab big family on my dad's side and they love taking him to see planes, or a motorbike race, or all play guitar together or something, bloody awesome time we all have.
So at home, apart from Sil, we have a network of friends ranging from old neighbours to school friends, to the owners of our favourite cake shop! We play pool in an old fashioned poolhall once a month.

I do admit I really, really, really miss my UK family, DC would have had a totally different childhood.

*all very nice (do not know where 'neat' came from)

So he has a sister that lives locally but you only see her once a year. Why?

You have someone who you could create a closer relationship and bond with but you’ve chosen not to.

My family is small and spread out, but we are pretty close and talk a lot. My partner has a huge family, most of whom he doesn’t speak to. Families are all different - he’ll be fine.

It's not that I have chosen not to.

There are a few factors at play: my DH is not particularly close to her.

I have tried inviting her to our parties/ Xmas/ soirées and she just doesn't come.

Originally she was still close to my DHs exW, (so we thought that's why she kept her distance) but over the years that bond has seemed to have weakened.

I feel uncomfortable being around her partner. They once came to celebrate my DH and he touched me semi - inappropriately. We've obviously never raised it with them. Which is why we only meet in public spaces.

Exactly this! Nobody needs extended family.
Plus, the quality of our relationships are always more valuable than the quantity, surely?

Kind of? I didn't really have grandparents. I had a grandmother figure in my nanny (that my DM was always jealous of, but that's a different topic!) I never had a grandfather though, and I do wonder what it must feel like to have one. My DD does have one, and I see him as a great influence in her life.

What if you made some friends?

he is expressing a need for wider community outside of his nuclear family.

so Maybe expanding so he has the options for play dates and outings with larger groups of friends

siblings are great, but having your own friends with shared interests not just filial
obligation might be nice for him.

Could he have a few Facetimes with family who live far away? That way he feels like he has more family even if he’s not physically seeing them much.

Primary schools often talk about families IME, grandparents cousins etc, so it’s not surprising he would want to join in.

Yes, I think that's exactly what has happened. My DM speaks a different language and she's enjoying her retirement being a jet-setter but they do say hello to each other when she happens to be around.

My MIL has no internet and doesn't have a smartphone, so that one is a bit more difficult.

To the one who suggested I make more friends, well I do try! The nice thing is that ever since he started primary school, I've become much closer to one of the mum's (and her daughter) and our DC are starting to support each other at school, so that's nice.

From personal experience being brought up with no extended family is no fun. My parents took me away deliberately from extended family - we migrated, none of this “expat” pretence. I rediscovered my family as an adult.

It’s not particularly mentally or emotionally healthy to be stuck in a nuclear family in another country.

I do plan to move back, therefore an expat. The plan (if possible) is to move back so our DS studies from secondary school over there.

Not that it makes any difference, but I'm not an economic migrant either.

I´m a forces child, so we moved all over and never made a close bond with cousins, still don´t even though we´re all 40+, a bit chatty on facebook but nothing more. With aunts/uncles better as they´re quite local to my dad, so we´ll catch up.

Bonds with friends here area a lot stronger. One couple are in their mid-60s so of a different generation to DH and I and give DS different perspectives, and they´re lovely. My dad is a fabulous grandad and we do our best to connect on facetime, so they do have a very special bond. Friendship bases are really important, so we mix a lot with adults and kids of DC age and older/younger to get a range of influences. The ´village´family is so, so important to us and DS is thriving. And he has scouts which is awesome!