Do I give the card?

[Newlysinglemum1]

Ds dad is a paedophile and I only found out recently. As far as I know he's not been abusive towards ds but has been part of a network online and has received and distributed images. At present I don't know the full extent as its still under investigation.

He has no contact with ds but sent him a birthday card. Do I give it to ds? Keep it safe for him for when he's older? Bin it?

I want to do right by ds overall and do whatever I need to, to help him grow up emotionally healthy and resilient no matter how hard I may personally find it. What would others do?

I’d bin it . What would keeping it safe til he’s older do?

I guess my logic is that I don't want ds to grow up feeling rejected by his dad or to make his dad some mystery figure that might lead ds to try to find his own answers to questions. I want him to know that he's loved and wanted and that while what his dad did is entirely his dad's fault, I don't want ds internalising any of it. So by keeping it until he's older and he wanted to know more maybe I'd be able to give him something tangible if he has questions. As he gets older I don't want him feeling different from friends who get presents/ cards from their parents. I have zero sympathy for stbxh. I want to do what's best for ds though I just don't quite know what that is and feel too close to it?

How old is DS?

Id ask Dad to write him a short letter explaining that he wont be able to see him and he's sorry. Read that to your son, explain Dad to go away for quite a long time and it means if he ever asks just tell him that

Banardos and We Stand are charities that have helplines and specialists who can advise or put you in touch with the right person to offer advice on how to handle such a difficult situation based around your sons age and needs etc. Whilst they offer support for victims of sexual abuse, they also have really good support networks and advice for families impacted in a variety of ways.

Ds is a toddler, so too young really to understand much right now. Initially he asked for his dad but he's since stopped and I don't want to confuse him either.

No. Chuck it in the bin. Both of my dc’s step-grandfather’s are convicted paedophiles (Dh and I marvel at how we both turned out pretty okay given both our mums are so f-ed up!). We are NC and everything they sent goes in the bin. We don’t really mention them other than to say that they did bad things and hurt people (other children in the family) and we don’t see them because they are bad people and keeping dc safe from being hurt is very important to us.

My friend is an adult now but had a close family member who was a convicted paedophile. When she was old enough, her parents explained why they cut off that whole side of the family. She said she feels so grateful to her parents for standing up for her and protecting her instead of just trying to play happy families, which is what too many parents do. Your ds will understand one day. No dad is always better than one who is going to screw up your life. It will also bode so much better for friendships one day. People will find out and no one wants their child going over to the house where a paedophile might pop in.