3 year old tantrums - HELP!

[Grovescamp15]

Help needed please - my DD is a strong minded little one. She goes to nursery 4 days a week and spends the other day with my mum. At weekends she is with me and my husband when he isn't working. Recently her behaviour is escalating and we feel like everything that has previously worked (distraction, setting clear boundaries, emotional support) just isn't working any longer. She seems to be upset/tantrumming for 75% of the time she is with us. My mum also gets the behaviour but a little less so I would say, mainly because their days are just chilled stay at home type days I think. At nursery she behaves well but is a tad bossy (reading between the lines of what the teachers have said). She is an articulate little one but she does struggle with coordination a little e.g. trips a lot etc.

An example of the behaviour is this morning, she didn't want to get dressed and screamed, shouted, smacked and bit me. I remained calm, told her I understand she's angry but we do not smack or bite and moved away from her. Eventually dressed, went out the door and she refuses to walk. It is at the most a 10 minute walk from door to door, and that would be going slowly. She says she's tired so I carry her a little then give her a point she will need to walk from. When we get to that point, I set her down and hold her hand, starting to sing our nursery song. She completely loses it, screaming, throwing herself in the floor, hitting, scratching, biting saying she doesn't want to walk. I tried distracting her with everything that usually works, this lasted about 5 steps towards nursery then she started again. I asked her how I could help her, explained calmly I can't carry her all the way (I have a bad back and shoulder), tried bribery (I know i shouldn't but 20 mins in I was getting desperate) and eventually I just said Okay I'll wait here until you're ready to walk. This didn't work either. I ended up having to frogmarch her there with her kicking and screaming (and lots of stares from other parents and children).

Has anyone got any advice on how else i can approach these types of situations? This is just an example but most of it is similar constant battle of will powers because she doesn't want to do something that she needs to do in that moment. TIA.

Do you do consequences for the hitting, biting etc. or do you just move away from her? Mine would have 2 minutes in time out for that. I know not everyone likes time out but personally I rate it with 3YOs. It’s an immediate consequence that’s easy for them to understand, they get removed from the situation which is important when they’re hurting someone and they can calm down safely. Then we talk about it, they say sorry, hug it out and it’s all forgotten. If that’s not for you then think of something else but a 3YO needs consequences for poor behaviour and they should be immediate and simple, nothing overly complicated like you won’t be going to that birthday party at the weekend because they won’t be able to equate that with biting mummy on Tuesday.

Also do what you can to smooth out the pinch points e.g. if getting dressed is an issue do that as soon as she’s up, offer a choice if she doesn’t have a uniform, and then distract with breakfast so that any upset over that doesn’t spill over into when you have to leave the house.

As for getting to nursery, take the buggy and save yourself the hassle. That way you can present it as a very clear choice of buggy or walking nicely and any hint of a tantrum wrestle her back into it ignoring any protests. You’ll probably only need to do it for a week before she realises the tantrums don’t get results and she stops doing it.

It’s tough though, 3YOs are so trying!! Promise it gets better once they turn 4, or at least my eldest turned into a delight and my youngest is nearly 4 and I’m already seeing big improvements. Hang on in there!

You can try different strategies, but is she also tired and hungry? A star chart can be great or a penny jar eg 1 if you are good, take away 1 if not. Pick your battles. Allow extra time and don't be blackmailed by tantrums.

Thanks @InTheRainOnATrain we do short time outs if it were at home. In this instance it was tricky because we were on the way to nursery, that's why I moved her away and walked off. She followed me but continued to try to bite etc.

We had already switched around the morning to try to manage the difficulty around getting dressed etc so we get her dressed as soon as she wakes up. It worked originally but now it's back to square one. She always eats her breakfast, we don't have any issues with that one at least 😅 she was actually calm between dressing and leaving the house today, it was as soon as we got across the road it all started again.

I always feel a bit judged taking the buggy to be honest. No other children in her pre school go to nursery in the buggy and on occasion when I have taken it we get funny looks. Also she will point blank refuse to get in the buggy of she wants to be carried and I can't physically force her in, she is a big kid for her age and strong! We tried the trike, bike and scooter and that worked for a while but they she just had tantrums about being in there and wanted carrying anyway.

Only 8 months left until she is 4 🫠😂

@JDob thanks, I will try a star chart I think. We haven't tried that yet.

its in a child’s most unloveable moments that they need us the most which is why I absolutely do not agree with time outs. It isn’t a consequence, it doesn’t work, because if it did then you’d only ever have to do it two or three times and the child would never do anything ever again 🙄 time out is a punishment - “I don’t like what you’ve done so I’m going to ignore you for this amount of time”.

take the buggy if walking is an issue, make her feel like she has a choice and some control of the situation. Who cares about what people think?! Why do you care more about what people think than your daughters happiness?

“it’s okay to be angry but it’s not okay to hit or hurt mummy. Would you like a hug?”

to be honest it sounds like she’s craving connection. You’re her parents yet she spends the least amount of time with you!

it’s tough. But no amount of punishments are going to change her behaviour

Another vote here for a star chart. My 3 year old sounds very similar to yours - strong willed and won’t be told at times! We’ve found a star chart with a prize at the end works well as it’s something visual. At the end of the day we go through each thing on the chart and she gets to stick a star on if she’s done it during the day.

I wouldn’t bother with time outs. Reward charts might work a bit. Or just do whatever makes life easier, within reason.

i have 4 children so have seem a lot of tantrums over the years. Its easier if you accept that its normal for lots of 3 years to behave like this - they have limited ability to control themselves. My youngest is 6 and is very head strong and she has had lots of full blown tantrums over minor issues - but she is definitely becoming easier to manage now she is a little older and i can reason with her.

When I say I use time out I mean we go into a different space and I try to help her calm. I sit with her the whole time and then we repair, say sorry, hug etc. we started the star chart this morning and it worked really well (early days but so far so good!) 😊

@3pancakesplz I think you're making lots of assumptions based on the information I have given. I never said I 'punish' her and that certainly isn't an approach I was looking for. I was simply seeking some insight from parents who have been doing it longer than me as everything that previously worked isn't working at the moment.

It would be lovely if we could spend more time with her but unfortunately my husband and I both have full time jobs. All our spare time is spent with our daughter. I'm sure lots of working parents are in a similar position. I think your tone isn't helpful to parents who need to work. We connect with our daughter every single day, multiple times a day. She isn't craving connection she's craving control because she wants to do what she wants but unfortunately as a 3 year old she can't always have total control which results in emotional outbursts. I was asking for advice on how to manage these more effectively, not judgement.