8 year old aggressive, rude and defiant don’t know what to do…

[Outd00rs]

Hoping someone can give me advice here. I have four children the older ones being teenagers and my youngest is just 8. The last four months my youngest has gone from being a sweet loving child to a bit of a monster. He can’t make decisions (but won’t let me make them for him), throws enormous tantrums, calls us names, hits siblings and lately us and this all comes from nowhere. There doesn’t seem to be anything we can do to prevent the episodes - it can honestly start from the apple I his packed lunch being the wrong size to eat quickly at school! None of my other children have ever behaved like this. A little bickering, sure, but we have a household where name calling is never a thing so it’s not like an everyday thing for someone to be screaming. My other children have never hit me or called me stupid. The thing that worries me most is that he is not particularly sorry afterwards.. but will spend a lot of time justifying why he ‘had’ to behave like that. He is very keen for his teachers not to know though as he is angelic at school. I’ve tried time out, calm talking etc.. but it seems he mostly does it when we have to get out of the door for school bus etc.. and at those times I don’t know what to do without it looking like I’m letting the behaviour go. I also don’t have a ready set of consequences - this has just literally never been an issue in our house. We are what I would call strict but gentle parents - in that we expect high standards of behaviour but I would never yell at my kids. They do not have access to computer games or social media etc.. so there is no influence there. Very grateful for any advice … love him to bits but starting to not like him much 🙁

I wonder if he's trying hard at school and letting it all out at home. I am a very gentle parent too and go for natural consequences but here I would absolutely talk to the school and make a holistic plan for helping him manage his big feelings. I think he could be involved in some of these discussions in a non shaming way as compartmentalising behaviour isn't great.

It sounds like he’s masking all day and then having a meltdown at home as you’re his safe place. Does he need more connection? I try and repeat - they’re not giving you a hard time.. they’re having a hard time and then try to work out why!

Similar age and issue here - it's been really noticeable since starting Year 3 and I did wonder if it's the "bigness" of being in the juniors. It doesn't help that my husband clashes a lot with ours whereas I'm slightly better at putting aside my own instinctive reaction to shout when buttons are being pushed!

thanks for reply - with the term masking - is that a known thing? He doesn’t have a diagnosis or anything. What do you mean by more connection - with me ? He is usually very loving and a strong relationship with his dad too - I guess his behaviour is leading to less of a connection with his siblings who have backed right off. I feel like he is an anxious child (nightmares, night terrors, random fears) but don’t really know why. He loves school, is very bright, has lots of friends, we moved house but that was two years ago and it was the same village, we have a pretty awesome life in general, we both have decent jobs, massive garden, animals, spend lots of time as a family, siblings are all well balanced, bright, kind, we are very involved in the community, he has never witnessed aggressive behaviour there is really no reason I can think of for him to be angry or anxious. I would love to find out why he is having a hard time but I’m stumped!

Maybe that’s it - year 3? Thought he had taken it in his stride but perhaps it is a challenge - though their school is tiny (60 kids) so not like he doesn’t know every child there and all the teachers… I expect we could deal with it better too - mainly I get upset..

I read the title and immediately guessed it was a boy who is well behaved at school. Totally biased cos I have experience with this!

I have 2 boys. Both highly active, well behaved at school, excellent school marks, very anxious (my 10 year old still has nightmares most nights). And VERY difficult at home. Or at least they were, theyre a lot better than before.

DS1 was your stereotypical masking at school, bottling up all his emotion and just letting it out at home, particularly against me. His anger and fear and upset were scary. He was diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia aged 9. We had no idea (school had zero complaints) but it did explain a lot.

He got treatment, saw some specialists, we changed our behaviour around him (basically summed up as "choose your battles") and now at 13 he is utterly delightful. Still very anxious and needs a lot of emotional support but the pure anger is rarely seen.

DS2 - we got him diagnosed after seeing similarities with DS1. He's always internalised his emotions much more but he got particularly difficult around age 8 - extremely stubborn and flies off the handle really easily. Also diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia and treated. He is calmer now but still more difficult than his older DB.

I don't know what to advise but I would say that he is unhappy. He might not know why. But his behaviour suggests that he is struggling. With my DSes it was the effort of behaving and working at school (they were in a high pressure school and they had to hold themselves in so tightly to fit into the mold of what was expected of them). When they came home they just couldn't do it anymore.

My boys are highly sensitive to emotions, particularly mine. I had to do a LOT of work on my emotions, my stress, my upset. It was hard work but has paid off. Even now if I get more stressed I notice a negative reaction from my kids.

At home he plays Lego or board games with his sister if he can cajole her to, he will do jobs (especially likes anything to do with the hens).. he likes to watch Steve backshall programmes - wildlife etc..
He attends beavers and is very enthused about it, football club at school which he is up and down about (frustrated when he doesn’t get the ball) and athletics which he is quite good at.
Time out - from us? Maybe not lots except at school.. if you mean quiet time then plenty - as much as he wants really - reading, playing in the garden etc..
i have tried to get to the bottom of what is upsetting him many times, talked to teachers.. he has some nightmares and will tell me about them but they are standard sort of monsters or bad feeling stuff… no clues there - he has lots of friends including a best friend or two, girls and boys and very different characters (some bookworms , some more boisterous).

He gets a lot of migraines which I’m told are not unusual for children, though I haven’t known them before and I haven’t managed to get the doctors to investigate beyond that… are they really common? No idea? Haven’t found any trigger for them except tiredness..

older siblings perhaps means he is advanced for his age in speech and thought but to be honest no more than the others were at this age - all the kids are incredibly bright in all areas (grades 9+ predicted for every GCSe subject) and he seems to be following that pattern - so his arguments are quite manipulative and savvy (and very upsetting).
really hoping it’s a phase but the hope is fading..