I need parents of girls to help me with poor sad dd1

[Cappuccino]

dd1's 'best friend' couldn't give a toss about her

dd1 thinks she is her best friend but the girl obviously doesn't

she came to dd1's party last term but yesterday dd1 found out that the girl's party was that night and she wasn't invited

she continues to want to be friends with this girl, setting off today with her favourite stuffed toy so that she and this girl can go off and have their own little party in the playground

I have talked to her saying that your friends change so much when you are this age, and it's because you are growing up and changing, and maybe she should look around and play with other children because she is wonderful and deserves friends who want to be with her

she is physically disabled which complicates things a bit - her teacher says that children will talk to her but then run off to play active games in the playground and she gets left behind

but though I know there is this aspect to it, she also reminds me a lot of myself at that age - trying to be friends with people who don't care, ignoring the friends who maybe would like to play with her, getting hurt as a result

I was very unpopular at school because of this doomed strategy and don't want to see her go down the same route

I was only reading an article about girls at school the other day, saying that girls were horrible to have as friends as they grew up because everything was a power play

dh says boys just fall out and go play elsewhere and then just start up again as if nothing has happened

none of this angst

Poor thing! How old is she?

Oh, Capp

Is there a "nicer" girl you know of that you could steer DD1 towards?

she's 7

I do feel for you and your DD. DD1 (5) was like this a year or so ago, really clung to one girl who wanted to know at first but then didn't anymore, she'd moved on to another friend. It was really heartbreaking to see her so unhappy, she did start to interact with other children and now mixes with everyone and changes her best friend weekly. Its a shame your DD is getting left behind because of her disability. How old is your DD?

Wendy there is a girl who she says 'plays with the dinner ladies' which rings bells for me - I always used to run round after the adults

and there's a disabled boy in the year below her who always wants to play with her but he is bossy and crowds her - 'I need some space&' she says to him dramatically

I remember feeling like that when I was about that age. There was always that "if you give me a sweety, I'll be your best friend...", and I knew, even if I gave her the sweety, she would just bog off after she ate it. And she did.
Wish I could help. Think WW's suggestion of steering her towards someone else might be a good idea, my dd is only 3, so don't (yet) have experience of what you're going through....

I feel for you, I have an older boy and a younger girl and I think girls friendships are much more complex than boys. A lot of it seems to be almost political with lots of rivalries and a bit of manipulation thrown in for good measure.
Have you tried talking to the teachers, maybe they can think of ways to help her deal with this girl.

I remember being a bit like your daughter when I was at school I actually hate this part of parenting

I have a ds1 who is 9 and has HFA or ASD he gets treated badly by friends a lot and lets it slide but it makes me so sad

No helpful advice I am afraid unless the school has the buddie system or circle of friends system in place these helped J a lot as he got to interact with lots of children at playtime

I agree with steering her towards a 'nicer' girl. It helped my DD when I became friends with a couple of the other mums and we all spent time together in the hols therefore her friendship with those girls has blossomed (on and off)

oh orangina I know the feeling exactly

I remember trying to lock two children from the street into my house so they would play longer

it makes you sound like a clingy psycho but it is such a difficult stage

it's nice at least to know I wasn't the only one; I think dh thinks I am projecting negativity at the whole situation. But it is different for boys

discodizzy I will try that

as for the other mums there are not really any in her class that I could socialise with - the mothers I know are mums of boys

there is one mum who I ask round a lot to play because the dds get on, but she is at another school

Oh cappucino I'm so sorry for your daughter and of course it must be awful for you too as her mother to watch her go through this.Sorry nothing to advice,just wanted to send you hugs and well wishes and hope you get good advice from others.
All I can say is girls are bitches from a really young age!! xx

Oh poor dd .

My heart aches for them when they go to school and have to learn to deal with the politics of playgrounds. My own dd's have sometimes been completely mystified and sad by it all.

One day best friends, all whispers and secrets, the next dd forlornly saying that X 'didn't like me today'

I want to march up and bellow WHY? WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? SHE'S GORGEOUS AND YOU'VE MADE HER SAD. But of course I wouldn't ever do that!

I have found that friends to tea helps a little bit. Gives them a little bit of special time away from the playground and can firm up friendships a bit. Another thing is in the holidays to include a friend on a day out - picnic or whatever with us - and make sure they have a great day.

Have you spoken to her teacher? Maybe he or she could foster a friendship by sitting your dd with some kinder girls. Sometimes children do seem drawn like moths to flames to friends who you can see will hurt them. It's so difficult but all you can do is help them dust themselves off and nudge them towards other friends. It's better to be 'friendly generally' with a few rather than insensly friends with one. It's too stifling and leaves you high and dry if the friendship cools.

Oh, it's horrible isn't it?

My dd (also 7) has complicated relationships with girls from school.
She has great friends from school who she plays with during the school holidays/weekends but at school they seem to behave differently towards her. We have discovered that this is partly due to a very dominant child in the group who dd really doesn't like so at school dd will avoid that crowd in order to avoid this one child.
Although not playing with her main friends at school used to bother her, she seems to have settled into this pattern and is pretty contented with the way it works (mostly)

whose to say she shouldn't be popular with the boys heh, boys could be handy if she ever needed a helping hand with the bitchiness the girls have a tendency to display. On 2nd thoughts though she appears to want to be friends with the girls. Hmmm.

No other suggestions really, but I hope she feels happier soon

Poor you Cappucino and pooor dd. Girls' friendships are so much more complicated than boys. I can't wave a magic wand although I would love to. From my experience these are things I have found really helpful.
I have always tried to make school part of my kids life but not the most important part. I have encouraged them to enjoy things like Rainbows and sports activities and to foster friendships there as much as at school. We've done activities like singing weekends and drama a little out of our immmediate area so that dd has got better at mixing with different people. Most importantly I have tried not to project my own issues onto them and to recognise that whilst I may be heartbroken about a missed party or invitation to play, they are far more sanguine about these things and read far less into them than an adult might.
Good luck.

could you arrange a couple of play dates with the other children who want to be friends with your dd but dd pushes them away in favour of other girl?..she may see at home away from school(and this girl) the other children are much nicer and more fun(esp if you can take them somewhere nice and treat them, then your dd will have fab memories of when x came to play??

Buddy system I can vouch for if the teacher is up for it. My dd (6) used it for a while to get her off the ground with making friends when she was struggling. It worked by the teacher setting up a rota of carefully selected playmates for each lunchtime play (the other playtimes weren't included so that she had time to herself/ to play with whoever she wanted). It wasn't set in stone, very flexible, and I was amazed how well it worked, having honestly thought it sounded awful at first. It came to a natural end and while she'll never be the life and soul she does fine now, and avoids the children who sound very much like the ones in the OP. Not for every child I guess and I think it needs a good teacher to make it work - ours was very matter of fact and low key about it, didn't make dd feel singled out and the other children involved were fantastic.

Lots of tea dates with suitable children helps too if you can bear it!

It's so difficult from the minute they start school and girls can be beastly to each other.

My daughter isn't helped by our constant house moves and so she's had 4 different primary schools. She now has a really nice group of friends but we've had tantrums and tears along the way.

Most recently and sort of ongoing is one girl who is completely vile and a bare faced liar as well - her mother is also a bully and the situation is made worse by this.

Keep going, and keep boosting your daughter's self esteem where you can and remind yourself that it will pass and your daughter will blossom

yes we need to have more friends to tea you are all right

we've had barely no playdates recently because I've been ill since Sept - however I am getting a bit better now so I need to Sort It, don't I?

she did have a really good boy friend dizzy, but the last time he came round he got peeved by the amount of Bratz dolls he was faced with and they both ended up watching Ratatouille on DVD and not speaking to each other

If you don't already, try to make life outside of school really busy and fun - lots of get-togethers with family friends and cousins and people who love her, to build up her self-esteem and make the social world at school less important to her. Help her to cultivate any talents and hobbies she has too.
When people are being mean, let her know you think they being mean too, and that she deserves better. My daughter loves knowing I'm on her side
Would it be practical at all to get her a dog? They make wonderfully loyal friends for little girls (the dog I had as child improved my life tenfold) Apologies for this suggestion if you already have a dog/hate dogs/have allergies etcetera!

Bloody hell - this takes me back. I had the same problem when I was a child, bossy friends who I would do anything for would just dump me at the drop of a hat.

No advice really - but things got better for me when I was about 10 and befriedned a lovely girl who is still my friend now!

Oh yes absolutely agree with Robinpud about joining other things not to do with school. Brownies, Rainbows and my youngest dd started at Beavers with her brother. It's been fantastic for her.

she does go to Brownies

but so does this other sodding girl