I’m worried for my friend’s kids future

[Concernedfriend123]

My best friend has 2 adult children and 1 14 year old at home. None of the ‘kids’ leave the house for work or school. His youngest hasn’t been to school atall this year. He tells the school that she has anxiety issues, which is true. However, he has let her have so much time off in the last 2 years as their mum passed away and he feels like he can’t be strict with them because they have been through a lot. This I understand, but he’s not thinking about their future. Now she’s had so much time off she has no friends left. She knows that all she has to do to not go in is to cry. He doesn’t tell the school the whole truth. He allows her to stay up all night on her tech. He has never disciplined her (he’s way to soft to compensate them not having a mum). He is in bad health and won’t be around forever, I’m worried that his kids have no socialisation, no education, no life skills, they are all overweight and never leave the house. Please help me! When I try to talk to him it all comes out wrong and he gets defensive. I feel that he is ruining their lives with softness. Help please anyone!

I'm surprised the school haven't picked up on it if the absence record of the youngest is so bad?

Either way, not sure how we can help 'you'.

You've tried to raise it and it hasn't helped, so he'll have to work it out for himself.

What's your set up like? Do you have kids of similar age?

This is a big ask and just a suggestion, but maybe you could take on a motherly influence in their life? Do you have a good relationship with them?

yes I have kids of similar ages and I am in their life a lot but he won’t allow me to talk to them about these issues. He’s avoiding. The school are involved but he isn’t honest with them about letting her stay up all night etc so they are taking it as pure anxiety and not probing into what is going on (or not going on) at home. I despair for their future as they have no idea about life outside of their house. They can’t cook, clean, wash themselves even. It’s a complete mess: Do you think the social services would give me advice or is that a step too far of me? It’s so hard to just sit back and watch the kids having no life atall outside the house.

The kids lost their mum. He's lost his partner.

School knows and is actively involved.

You can report the additional info to school and you can offer the kids support.

But I don't think you can fix this from where you are.

But report your concerns yes.

It’s very frustrating to watch. I really thought that the school would be more involved and get deeper into the issues but they haven’t. If I talk to social services can I get advice without giving their names? I would hate for them to knock on his door uninvited because of me. I was hoping the school would’ve involved them tbh.

You could contact the school and speak to the designated safeguarding officer about you concerns and they can look into it more thoroughly.

Mind your own business - if you are a real friend then offer practical support. Why are you not focussing on your own life instead of being a busy-body?

Do you really think this family needs social services coming in and putting pressure on them when you have no idea what they are going through?!!

You could end up getting the children ripped away from the one parent they have left.

Also you can't stop a 14 year old being 'up all night on tech' SS won't be remotely interested in that. A 2 year old not being put to bed would be different.

I think this is the most gentle option. Have the school visited her at all? I would have thought they would. Much as I wouldn’t have wished on these kids how my mother reacted when my dad died, at least I just had to get on with things as no allowances were made for me and no support. I was a little older but still a child.

OP I would flag it, I doubt this os how thier mum would want them to live. It sounds like a family retreating in on itself.

I’d be so upset if anything happened to me and my DD’s world got so small, she could end up with no GCSE’s and no prospects.

You yourself need to tell the school the truth, in great detail.

Social.services should be called. It's too late for the adult children but not for the youngest.

And the downside to that would be...?

Social Services would likely provide some sort of intervention such as Early Help who would work with the family - taking the child away would be the last option.

@mathanxiety children who get put into foster care don't have wonderful lives you knows 🙄 They often end up with more issues than they would have had in the first place.

The dad could take the teen's phone off her and turn off the WiFi. When I was in Y7, my friend lost her mum. Her dad still sent her to school. Obviously he struggled. SS might not be interested in a teen scrolling through social media lately at night, but they should be interested in a 14 year old refusing to go to school. Her anxiety will worsen and her prospects are poor if she doesn't pass any exams. SS won't take the child away but they'll help in getting the girl back in school and getting her bereavement support.

Can you speak to the two adult children? If the mother died two or three years ago and there are two adult children, then this can't all be on the father.

Have you actually asked the father or the two adults if they are getting any help. Do you know if the daughter is under CAMHS or waiting for CAMHS? There may be problems more complex than you are aware regarding her MH. Have yiu offered to have her for a weekend?

I wouldn’t report to the school. The role of the school is to educate and all they will do is report to social services. If the school had already reported to SS, and they likely have, a further report from you is likely to be helpful because it will build a picture if concern. SS may also be in a position to lever CAMHS intervention.

Did the two adult children go to school and succeed academically before their mother died?

She's probably giving this attention because she is genuinely concerned. And it's gone past the point of OP being able to help by offering practical help, hasn't it? These young people are being damaged and someone has to stand up for them.

I myself will be dead in a few weeks and I would absolutely heartbroken if my friends stood by and did nothing in a situation like this. Yes, they are all grieving, but they need to be supported to carry on living and I say that as someone who lost my mum when I was a teenager and whose own teens are shortly going to lose me.