Help! Toddler rejects daddy.

[Bloodybrambles]

DD (14 months) rejecting her dad.

DH is a real family oriented man. DD was much wanted and he idolises her. However the feeling just isn’t mutual towards him by DD.

He puts it down to her being extremely clingy to me/she was EBF and is still BF/her toddler tantrums.

Which I do semi agree - she’s obviously got a preference for me, and regardless who we’re with, sometimes she’ll just want me. But, she’ll actively physically push him away 70% of the time. If I’m in the house she’ll run away from him and scream at the stair gate until I come get her. If I leave the house and leave her with him she’ll become hysterical until she passes out.

She’s not like that with other family members (grandparents/uncles/family friends etc). DH has mentioned it a couple of times how she doesn’t act that way with other family members but I do try to make excuses to protect his feelings. My dad is able to get her bathed/ready for bed with no qualms, my nieces can get her out of her cot/pushchair without being slapped/scream at, she’ll happily sit on other family members laps during dinner etc. The only time she’s seems happy with him is when they watch tv together or she’s waving him goodbye. The relationship is basically him distracting her that she’s not keen on him by playing with her.

He does seem like a fish out of water, sometimes I wonder if he’s given up on trying to problem solve why she’s upset and just puts it down to her being a toddler/wanting me. She’s definitely getting worse with him and whilst I feel really bad for him, I also feel bad for her as usually she’s quite a happy little girl.

I’ve read other threads that kids seem to yo-yo between having a favourite parent, but she’s never had a preference for him. We’ve had to stop him trying to settle her for bed as she just ends up being sick.

Any advice welcomed!

Anyone?

What has his role been in her life so far? What percentage of nappy changes, baths, feeding etc has he done from say 6mo onwards?
And how much time in an average week does he look after DD without you being there?

Assuming you don't have concerns about his ability to parent, I'd do more time for the two of them together without you.

Seems quite normal to me! They go through phases of preference of one parent to another. But it is usually Mum when they are that age. DS was like this until about 2 and a half and since three he's been all about Daddy. It was stressful when I had to leave him for example as he would get hysterical but it did pass.

My little boy was like this with me too at that age. He was EBF too and I usually did all the night routines and nap routines as I was the only one who could get him to sleep. It was exhausting but he's 20 months now and is starting to really bond with his dad more. He prefers playing with him than me and will happily go with daddy for bath and bed time now. It did upset my DH at the time as he was so clingy with me and would just tantrum for his dad but it's getting a lot better now and is turning into a right daddy's boy. The only thing I said to my DH was to try and not show his frustration which helped a lot as I think my little boy may have been picking up on my DH's grumpy mood at times

My two boys were similar, though not as bad. They were very clingy with me and pushed their father away a lot. Though once I'd left they would calm down and be perfectly fine with him, so your situation does sound worse. I remember one memorable occasion when I took my eldest to meet my husband from the station, and my son said "Daddy go back on big train!" Not very nice for DH. He found it very upsetting.

I agree with the other posters that this is relatively normal at this age. It will get better (though it might take years to go completely). They are going through a big developmental shift around this time - walking, greater comprehension etc. I have a 15 month old and she is really hard work. It's like she's realised that she can control things and so now is trying to demand whatever she wants (to run around holding a glass, to drink gaviscon etc. etc.) and throwing huge tantrums whenever she doesn't get it.

My theory about my boys was that it wasn't DH himself that was the problem, it was that when DH appeared, it often meant that mummy was going away. So they developed a strong reaction to DH because of separation anxiety from me.

You could spend time playing with her together, e.g. a game where she has to run between the two of you, or you hide and find each other, or something like that, to reinforce the message that just because your DH is there doesn't mean that you are going away. Also it sounds like she needs more time with him just on their own, so she can get used to him. I can see why you would be worried about that given how extreme her reaction is, but are there any situations where she might be easier for him - going for a walk maybe? Other than that my only suggestion is to give it time. Everything is always changing with children, it will pass eventually. Big hugs. x