What am I doing wrong - not able to meet mum friends - feel so flakey

[Autumngreenleaves]

I was meant to meet fellow new mum friends this morning for brunch. It feels like everyone else can make it on time but I can’t. It upsets and frustrates me and I’m aware I must seem so flakey but I don’t know how to fix it.

For context, DD is ten weeks old and EBF. The longest she has ever slept overnight is 2.5 hours in one go but for the past week she’s only been sleeping 1 hour 20 max in one go. She won’t/can’t sleep in her Moses or in her crib - it has to be either in your arms, bed sharing, or in a moving pram. She won’t sleep in a still pram (even with the Rockit on!)

Here is this morning’s events:

• DD fell asleep on me just as I needed to take a shower. She needed the sleep but as I can’t put her down to sleep, she had to stay on me. After 30 mins I interrupted her nap, we went into the bathroom where I showered and got ready.

• As we were running late I decided we’d take the bus rather than walk. Just as we’re about to leave the house, she got very upset and distressed as she was hungry. I feed her and resolve to take the next bus or to drive.

• After feeding, she had wind and so needed winding. By this point we’ve missed the next bus so I decide to drive.

• I put her in her bouncer while I quickly put the pram in the car. I come back in and she is absolutely distraught. I realise she has wet her nappy and it’s leaked through her clothes. Up we go to get changed.

• While being changed, she is inconsolable. To the point where she is crying so hard she can’t catch her breath. I finish the change, try to soothe her, but the only thing that eventually works is the boob.

By this point I am 50 minutes late for the meet up yet I haven’t even left the house yet.

What am I doing wrong and how can I fix it? Why is it that everyone else can arrive on time, babies asleep in the pram and stay that way?

I am sociable and want so very hard to make mum friends but recently I’m always the one who is late or not making it at all, and I hate that. What am I doing wrong?

If you’re 50 minutes late, you have no idea who else made it on time or at all. Have some compassion for yourself.

One thing I think you need to do is to make sure your partner, assuming you have one, is doing everything so that you can take care of yourself. You should be showering and sorting yourself out in the evenings or early mornings while he does all the parenting. No trying to shower with a baby in tow. You can get everything packed up and organised for the day then.

And then plan to leave early for everything.

You’re not doing anything wrong, you have a ten week old. Baby comes first.

Is it your first OP? I only ask because I know it’s a lot, but when you shower just put baby in the moses basket and take your shower. Just had my second and I know full well when it’s your first you really feel like you can’t put them down or have to sort the crying asap. But I promise they will be fine for 5 minutes! I wish I’d known this when I had my first because I felt like I was paralysed by the stress of not wanting to put her down for fear she might need me.

Have some compassion for yourself, you just had a baby and you are both finding your feet. But you can do it and I promise it gets easier as time goes on. You’ve got this!

Baby in bouncer in the bathroom so she can see you and you have a quick shower (even if she’s crying, 5 mins won’t hurt). Dry shampoo and hair in a messy bun.

There’s not much you can do about the rest - if she’s hungry she needs feeding if she’s wet she needs changing. But if you’d had your shower and got ready you wouldn’t have been AS late.

I feel you about the sleep, I really do. But at some point you have to prioritise your own mental health and get on with the day. She would have napped in the buggy on the bus, for example.

It will get easier as you get more confident. Be kind to yourself.

1 you have a 10 week old baby. That is hard. Things don't always go to plan.

2 you have to massively lower your expectations regarding what you can actually achieve. "Just quickly doing x" basically had to stop for me completely for a while. And anything that would previously have taken yuo 10 minutes... plan for 30. So, for example, if I had to be smewhere with the baby by 10, I was packing the car and myself and the baby at 9:30... for a 10 minute drive.

3 Which also means an irritating amount of military-like planning with very little spontaneity!

4 LInked to ditching spontaneity, I'd be working hard to do things like not have a shower when youre alone with the baby but more when your partner is still around. If possible.

5 Sometimes, things aren't practical. In our NCT group, we had a group of us who actually preferred to meet really early before things went pear shaped - breakfast at 7:30/0800 for example. Others couldn't manage that. Similarly, I quickly learnt that I could do stuff betwen 10-14 but I couldn't plan things - so I could wander out ot the shops at some point, but I couldn't meet someone for lunch at 12:00 - becuase DS' sleep (and mine) were so erratic I had to have the flex to wing it.

Yes - I did put her in the Moses while I had my shower. The thing is that I had to wait for her to have a bit of sleep before I did so - as the act of being in the Moses wakes her up.

Yes good point about having the shower and doing as much prep the night before. DH takes her from me as soon as he gets home, and has her as much as he can during the evening.

I guess the thing is that even if I had have done that, how do I fix the chain of events such as her crying as soon as we’re about to walk out of the door?

I guess nothing can fix that… yet others seem to manage it effortlessly!

Does she always get so upset when you have to change her?

God I remember this phase. I once had an utterly disastrous attempt at making it to a baby massage class. It did NOT go well when I eventually got there. Definitely not the calm and wonderful mum and baby bonding I envisaged.

I remember meeting up with my NCT group and some was always madly late and someone else always missed it entirely. Felt like we took it in turns.

It feels so hard but your baby is still tiny and it WILL get better. I promise. You don't need to fix anything here. Nothing is broken. You're doing great and it will get easier x

I remember it being like a military operation just to get out the door. First thing on a morning after that feed was when I would get washed etc or used to shower/bath the night before.
Always had the nappy bag with extra clothes etc packed and by the door.
Things used to happen in between but I would always be trying to leave earlier that I had planned so I gave myself enough time for any nappy explosions and feeding etc!
Things happen and it can't be helped!

Please be gentle with yourself! My DS is 8 weeks and EBF. I find I have to start getting ready about 2hrs before we want to go anywhere or no hope in hell. Other mums will understand- we’re all in a club of lateness because babies make their own schedules. Those that matter don’t mind and those that mind don’t matter.

Work out time with DH where you can get an uninterrupted slot for a shower. If this logistically works better in the evenings then fine. You’re not going to stink if your clothes are clean and you washed at some point in the last 24 hours.

Nappies shouldn’t leak wee, maybe if they’ve done a 12 hour stretch in it over night and it’s at capacity but not that quickly. Biggest causes are nappy is too big or vest is too tight. So check both!

Have your nappy bag packed and ready to grab. I made it my nightly routine to restock whatever was used that day so in the morning it’s grab and go.

It’s ok if she cries for a few minutes whilst you brush teeth or get dressed.

Have you tried a sling so she can nap whilst you move around and have your hands free?

But most importantly she’s still so tiny so go easy on yourself!

Part of it is just accepting that sometimes things go wrong and you'll be late, and that's ok.

There are things you can do to streamline/minimise the disruption so that you are less late though. When they were young, I'd aim to get somewhere 20 minutes early, as that gave me some contingency. I only stopped that when they were about 4.

Were it my morning, I'd have skipped the shower and put her in the sling as soon as I was dressed. That way she could fall asleep in there or feed (about half my breastfeeds in the early months were in the sling) whilst I walked out for the bus.

If I'd done that I'd have likely made it on time. Yay. On the down side, your baby's giant pee would have been at brunch and likely covered baby, sling and you in pee...

You win some, your lose some!

OP, just calm down about the whole social life thing. You have a brand new baby, who didn't get the memo about you being supposed to develop a whole new 'mum social life', and who is still getting used to no longer living inside you (and if your DD is anything like my son, who spent his fourth trimester being deeply unimpressed with being out in the world, it can feel like a car crash).

You don't need the stress of specific appointments at this stage. If you really feel you need to go out sometimes, set up very fluid situations where exact timings are less important, and where you can cancel without putting anyone's nose out of joint.

But honestly, if I had a time machine and could back to 2012 when DS was born, and when, like you, I thought I was supposed to be doing all this stuff, and was dashing around joylessly trying to get me and my infected CS scar and DS to coffee mornings and NCT lunches and classes, I would simply take all the pressure off and stay at home a lot more, feeding, watching old films and letting DS feed and nap on me at will.

The world will still be there in a month or two. It's not a race.

Being organised is key to spot of things but to be honest it he main thing is temperament of baby !
You may find that others have very easy going babies or perhaps they have managed to get a baby that loves to sleep - it's all luck !
My first was a nightmare for sleep , crying , exploding out of his nappy and made things hard but my second was far easier ( although still hated being put down ) and I was able to get out the house easy every morning .

My third child is a few weeks younger than yours and with none of them was I/would I be arranging meet ups for meals in cafes with other people with similar aged babies!

Babies are hard work, it gets easier to get places as they age. Stop putting pressure on yourself, try to relax and rest. Remember you're really still on a long path of your body recovering from pregnancy and birth still. You were pregnant for 9 months I presume - your body doesn't just flip back to your pre-pregnant state straight away, especially if you're breastfeeding. Care for yourself and get as much rest as you can!

This time of year is hard with newborns too I think - this is my second such experience and it was much easier and more pleasant when I had a summer baby. This time of year it's hard to avoid and protect newborns from winter illnesses which can often be extremely serious for tiny babies for one. And poor weather doesn't make for calming pram walks, and christmas shoppers can make shops and bus routes packed and utterly grim. By the spring everything will be much better for you I promise!

I wouldn't be trying to do organised outings like this with a 10-week-old. Fourth trimester and all that. Go easy on yourself!

Have shower in evening or first thing when your dh is still home.

Use sling. If baby cry’s in pram use sling to soothe and move into pram later

If I was aiming to be somewhere at say 10am, I would work backwards and allow extra time. Ie if I had 10am baby vaccine appointment, it’s a 20min drive. Assuming 10mins to get my shoes and bags and baby out. That’s 9.30am. Adding 10 mins faff at car loading baby in, folding pram, that’s 9.20am. I would assume baby wants feeding on arrival either in car or at doctors before arrival, 15mins min. So realistically I needed to leave at 9am latest for 10am appointment, not 9.30am as I might have done pre baby.
So basically add that time in for emergency feeding/ nappy. If you are planning to walk anyway and leave on time then you can just walk leisurely pace or pop into shop on route or just arrive a bit earlier and relax.

Here’s what we did in the mornings (also EBF)- husband was in a US medical residency so working insane hours.
He got up and did the dishwasher, a bit of laundry (hung up the old load) and put a new one in. Then made a sandwich or some salad for my lunch, had a shower, made me toast and tea. I woke up and fed the baby and handed him over. While he got her changed and played with her I had a shower and ate my tea and toast and made sure the bag was ready. It was a bit relentless but the morning started off with a clean house, jobs done, lunch in the fridge and with me ready.

On the ‘she was yelling her head off’ bit with DS1 I would soothe and feed. With DS2 I couldn’t be late for the school run just because he was kicking off so in your instance, I would have bundled her into the car, hoped the journey would soothe her and feed her when you got to the cafe. Yes, you can’t leave with a poo filled nappy but sometimes you have to leave when you have to leave and take the unsettled baby with you. Or you can decide that peace of mind trumps this mad dash and stay at home. But the bottom line is that if we waited for the stars to align to leave the house one never will. This is why it seems so daunting with no 1. With no 2 I just had to go and so DS2 would get popped into a sling and we’d be off.

You are not doing anything wrong your baby is still so new and you are both working things out. Also EBF is f**king hard you are doing amazing to even to have gotten a shower!!!
I went through this with my LO and sometime never managed to leave the house at all. One particular day I managed to leave with mums help and after crying sore for 30 mins. Bumped into friend who recently had a baby too she asked me how I had it so together I couldn't believe it I was a total mess and told her as much lol.. everyone struggles at the beginning and we should normalise talking about how bloody hard those first few months are!

A couple of tips
Put baby in a bouncer in the bathroom while you shower will do her no harm to cry a little.

Try a sling (literally saved my life honest to God the only way I managed to do anything!) Put baby in it while you do the other things you need to do. That way baby sleeps and you have the hands free to brush your hair or throw stuff in her bag.

Don't be too hard on yourself your doing amazing I know it's frustrating but I promise you'll find your groove

If you have anyone to help ask them to come sit with baby for and hour while you get things together. Your not doing anything wrong to ask for help.

I hope your OK ❤️❤️

It always looks like everyone else has there stuff together but the reality is, we’re all winging it. Things do get easier I promise, just hang in there - you’re doing great

I don't think I really left the house for the first 3 months. When my baby was 4 months and could go a bit longer between feeds that's when I started going out to events, and even then it was things within walking distance. Before that it felt like an endless loop of feeding and changing!

Give yourself a break, you're doing fine. You have plenty of time to make friends.

I don't think anyone else mentioned this but apologies if they did. Set up a nappy changing station downstairs with everything you need in a box or basket, a changing mat and a change of clothes (or a few). It means that you save yourself a few mins going up and down the stairs. Plus if you are trying to go out you can leave the house the wet clothes stay on the changing mat until you return and then deal with it. It isn't ideal but it's a way of getting out. I'm a completely solo parent so unless I was with my parents I had no help at all. If I hadn't had a set of changing bits downstairs I'd have been worn out. I remember at the worst time I changed a nappy four times in 20 mins. You can do this and it does get easier. Additionally as others have said, take the time for a shower. If the baby has to cry for a few mins then so be it. You need to be able to function to look after her.

My second is a month old and I've just realised how different babies can be in terms of difficulty! My eldest was tricky and could only be put down under a specific set of circumstances or she'd cry until she was sick.

My second has been a revelation in terms of how easy going she is. Suddenly, all the people saying 'just put her down - if she fusses for a few minutes she'll live' make sense. It just wasn't possible first time around. So if you're late, you're late. Make allowances for yourself. It's great you made it at all to be honest!

Others manage it effortlessly because they are parenting their babies, not yours. Some babies are significantly easier than others.

You also have slightly unrealistic expectations, I think- there's no way I would have assumed I'd be able to take my 10 week old to brunch, get there on time and actually have a nice time. This time is just about surviving.

THIS! With my first I felt I couldn’t put him down at all as the crying sounded like he was in pain. I had my second 3 weeks ago and I’m so much more relaxed, if I need to shower I put her somewhere safe (crib or in the bouncer in the bathroom with me so I can see her) and just fo what I need to do. Same with making my toddlers lunch for nursery etc, I know she’s fine, and tbh half the time she just wants to be held. I baby wear when I can but not always possible. Be kind to yourself 🩷