Am I wrong to bribe my 3 year old with chocolate?

[Spero]

I was feeling quite proud of myself as there is apparently nothing my dd won't do for a square of diary milk. I've even got her to eat lettuce. At the end of the day she's had about 3/4 squares of chocolate , mainly used to bribe her into eating healthy food at meal times.

I didn't see anything wrong with this but my ex has now told me he has 'concerns' about my parenting and is particularly worried that i sometimes bribe her in this way to eat her breakfast.

Am I doing something wrong? Are there any other methods you've tried to get small children to eat well that work??

Think there is a strain of thought (that i actually agree with) that teaching children that there are good and bad foods is actually a bit counterproductive in the long term. Danger is that she will always think that lettuce/veg/whole grains etc are just a chore to eat and the only pleasureable food is chocolate. Thus what happens when you are not there to bribe her?

other things that might work instead

1. ignore and don't offer alternatives
2. make veg taste a bit sweeter by roasting rather than boiling or offering frozen peas straight from the freezer
3. if you eat together show your enjoyment of food
4. involve her in the preparation - we did this with ds (3) and think this is why he polished off a squid stew with such vengeance
5. if she has tea alone, sit down with her and pinch her veg as though it is a special treat

btw don't forget that many children of this age will only really want one major meal a day, for everything else they will be happy with small snacks, so if she ends up eating no lunch then it is actually no big deal

I definitely do 3)4) and 5) so hopefully she isn't thinking that veg etc are horrid foods. She loves helping preparing minestrone soup, just isn't so keen on eating it...

I'm just worried that ex is saying this 'concerns' him about my parenting. Is it really so bad??

I bribe like crazy for practically everything - except eating. I reckon that you offer them food, they either eat it or they don't. If they do, that's great (but not a big deal, so no great congratulations - they've just eaten lunch, not mastered astro physics)) if they don't that's OK too - there just isn't anything else except fruit til the next meal. (when they were very little, I would bring the next meal forward quite a bit if necessary)

Chocolate is nice to have sometimes, but I don't specially like the idea of it being a "reward".

I do think you need to discuss this with your ex - in the presence of a third party if possible. You do need to have strategies you agree on.

Ask him for ideas! I do offer rewards but use non-food treats eg a sticker chart as a reward for a clean plate. They get a tick for a clean plate and 5 ticks = a sticker, five stickers and they get a treat eg a sweet or a small toy.

I don't think it does any great harm but it might become difficult to avoid giving chocolate at every mealtime, and then it is a problem. Also agree with pp that foods shouldn't be split into bad and good food.

DD1 (3.5 years) is a great eater, tries everything, takes great pride in having a clean plate. DD2 (2 years) is terrible, has never eaten veg. I use the same strategy with both of reward charts etc. I think it's half-personality, half and age thing ie, two-three year olds are jsut fussy adn don't liek new foods. Older children are more open to ideas adn perhaps, are jsut hungrier.

See, I don't even think that children should be encouraged to clear their plate. Isn't that encouraging them sometimes to eat more than they want? Or am I being silly?

I see your POV, seeker. But i do give v small portions and then they can ask for seconds. TBh my 3 year old is so pleased with herself when she's got a clean plate that I encourage it. And not convinced that children that age can be forced to overeat. Plus I hate waste, especially if it's just because they've got bored of sitting at the table.

But can't claim to know all the answers - DD1 is a fab eater as I said, but DD2 has NEVER eaten a veg in her life and rarely finishes a meal, would happily eat nothing but bread and ham...

agree with seeker

but think that the need to finish your plate comes from a time when food was scarce and uneaten food was a waste. imagine rationing and then imagine giving you lo your ration of cheese cos your thought he needed it more. what would you do if would not eat it?

Seeker, We have a sliding scale on meals -- eating half usual tea means a half-size pudding, not necessarily no pudding. So they don't have to overeat. Just keep pudding things in proportion.

Yes, Spero -- it's entirely wrong that you use chocks as a bribe coz u should be eating all the chocolate yourself.

(Questioning your parenting, ffs, I can see why he's your EX).

TBH, it has never occurred to me that clearing your plate could be considered a bad idea! Don't you expect a child to finish their meals? (bearing in mind they have small portions, few snacks, are given foods they like within reason etc).

[reconsiders parenting strategies ]

Must admit, I hate throwing food away.

Thanks for the tips - I used to not care if she ate or didn't, i thought that no child would ever starve his or herself... but I found myself absolutely alone among all the other parents I know who get very stressed if child not eating veg etc. So i thought I had discovered cunning way to have it all!

I'm not sure if ex is genuinely concerned or using this as an excuse to have a go at me. i suppose part of me thinks the day that he actually shops and cooks for her is the day he gets to call the shots on how and what she eats...

I don't think clearing a plate is either a good thing or a bad thing - if they are hungry enough to eat the lot then they eat it, if they're not then they don't. I do believe in giving tiny portions thought so there is very little waste.

Dh is a bugger for making them clear their plates. Even the last smallest mouthful. That was how he was brought up and thinks it's a good strategy for our DCs. I haven't yet pointed out that all of his family are more or less overweight I think it's important that children listen to their hunger. Obviously if a child has been stuffing food before dinner - be it organic raisins or Monster Munch - they aren't going to have room for a meal. My strategy is to give them enough but not too much, forbid anything for up to an hour before mealtimes, let them know that a pud is on offer if they are hungry enough after their meal but if they don't eat (a good proportion of) their meals they obviously aren't hungry.

I'm with you Spero, i dont care if DS doesn't eat everything or doesnt eat all day. I've always been like this and he eats anything and loads of it, unless he is poorly or just not hungry.

I wouldnt bribe as a regular thing... if your DD hasnt eaten anything for days maybe use it as an incentive to start her off again.

As far as your ex goes, it is very easy to be judgemental when you aren't dealing with it every day. Maybe you could suggest he comes up with an alternative plan you can try, and that he implements it when he has her first.

O apparently ex always manages to get her to eat the healthy option and NEVER gives her chocolate... but he gets very cagey when I ask him to explain HOW he does this. Maybe the fact he is responsible for one meal in a hundred might have something to do with it?

Maybe the thing to do is just to go back to not stressing. I ate nothing but chips and bread as a child and now I have a varied and healthy diet. i don't seem to be obese or have scurvy.

And I love chocolate.

No wouldn't bribe them to eat things. I cook a meal and they're expected to eat it, no alternatives. If they really hate it, don't do it again. Definitely wouldn't bother bribing them to eat lettuce, it's not that brilliant nutritionally. The danger is that they get the idea that if they refuse something they'll get chocolate. Save it for when you really need to bribe them, otherwise it loses its strength. Do you all eat together? We (dp and me) love food and cooking so I think it has rubbed off on dcs. Show lots of enthusiasm, get her to help if poss, also with the shopping.

yep, dont stress about it. children dont usually starve themselves for the sake of it ! offer her chocolate as a treat for good behaviour occasionally, she'll enjoy it more if its a rarity anyway.