Feel like im failing

[AlexisP90]

Our family consists of me, DP and our 2.5 year old DS. We don't live hear family but see them maybe once a month (both sides)

I'm just so deflated at the moment.
Me and DP both work full time. I'm the main income earner which is fine but puts another level of pressure on me. I'm also the main carer, cleaner, cook at home.

DP doesn't do much in terms of the house or childcare. He is a great dad but prioritises his work. He is also in a bit of debt which he is doing nothing about which is giving me massive stress.

DS is a wonderful little boy but hates nursery. He was fine there until about 6 months ago. Nothing changed. He just suddenly hated it and taking him everyday, Usually crying, is also causing me stress.

I just feel like I'm totally failing. People do this everyday and everyone else seems to have their shit together except me.

How do you do it all? What am I doing wrong?

You’re not failing! You’re the one keeping things going. Your lazy DP is failing, he’s failing you and your son. He needs to buck his ideas up and start pitching in properly. He is not a “great dad”. Women always say that even when it’s clearly bullocks. A great dad plays an equal part in childcare and housework, he makes his partner’s life easier. He doesn’t absolve himself of the basics of running a home and caring for a child. That makes him a shit dad. Stop making excuses for him and expect a lot more.

Unless you’re a single parent you don’t do it all.

You need to sit down with DP and have an honest conversation. The book how not hate your husband after kids’ is really good for both of you to read. At the moment he isn’t been a good Dad, making food, cleaning and all that stuff is part of parenting.

You need to simplify life.

• Cook on Sunday and make enough to have again in Tuesday.
• Baked potato in the slow cooker with tuna or beans and frozen veg for dinner or scrambled eggs on toast with tomato
• Cleaner or robot hoover
• Are you travelling to relatives at weekend? Maybe cut back
• Ensure both parents get down time

Talk to nursery about what is happening. This happened to DD1 around this age and the issue was her friends had moved up the 3 year old room so they moved her up to and she was happy again.
I’m a sahp now so perhaps I’m not the best to give advice.

Thank you both. It truly is exhausting. I am probably giving DP more credit than he should have. There is 0 reason he shouldn't be helping anymore. At the weekend he is hands on with playing with DS and having fun but I still seem to get everything else.

Batch cooking is a good idea. As is a cleaner. We are also in the process of trying to sell our house so the constant pressure of keeping the place clean with a toddler is draining.

Youre absolutely right. I need to be more firm with DP on splitting these things. His excuse is " I work so I'm just busy sorry" when I talk about it.... I do the exact same hours as him so it's a total cop out.

I had thought about just not doing these things but that's not fair on DS.

I think you need to be really clear with him that you’re getting more and more exhausted and resentful and that his behaviour is extremely unattractive. You signed up to have a partner, not a reluctant passenger in your family and your home.

“DP, when you say you’re too busy to do x y z and you know I work the same number of hours it makes me feel like you don’t respect how much work it takes to make sure DS has x y z and to keep the house in decent order for viewings. I feel you think you can opt out because no matter how exhausted I am you know I’ll do it anyway. That makes me feel lonely in this relationship and like we’re not on a team pulling together. I don’t want to feel like your mother by dishing out chores, this is equally your home and your child and you need to see what needs doing and get on with it. Please have a think about what I’m saying, I’m really unhappy with how things are at the moment and it’s bad for our relationship and will only get worse unless you start pulling your weight”.

Or something similar in a way you normally speak!

Also worth remembering your son is watching how his mum and dad navigate family life, you don’t want him to grow up thinking it’s fine for mum to be tired and grumpy from constant skivvying while fun time dad swans in for a bit of weekend play time.