DS (11) wetting himself.

[CyanHare]

Hi, I posted earlier this year about my DS (11) having accidents. Our gp has referred him to the hospital but we still haven’t received an appointment. It’s getting to the stage where he’s wet more days than he’s dry. He’s in year 6 now and others are starting to notice. He’s really mature about it and will let someone know and get himself changed if he’s wet. Although he puts a brave face on I think it’s starting to get to him. Yesterday he told me some kids in the year below were saying he smelled of fish and needs a nappy. My worry is he’ll still be like this as he starts secondary school next year and are seriously thinking whether it would be better for him to go to a special school where they’ll understand his needs better. Does anyone have any experience of an older child with this problem? I genuinely don’t know where we go from here. I fear this will mess him up mentally.

Does he have any additional needs, OP? Has he been through anything traumatic/very upsetting in the last year?
This might be incorrect, but if he hasn't additional needs other than the accidents then I'd imagine you might find it hard to get him into a special school.
Also, would he wear something like these? Incontinence pants for boys - Cool looking. Buy here. They have an absorbent pad inside but look like regular boxers, so might not make it as obvious if he's had an accident.

He’s got dyspraxia. Gp has said that may be a cause and the wetting often lasts til 13/14. Can’t think of anything traumatic other than the fact he’s regularly soaking himself in front of 25 kids his age. He puts on a brave face but I know it’s affecting him. Thanks for the pants recommendation. He only wears a pad at the moment as he’s adamant he doesn’t want to wear anything that’s like a nappy. This could be a good middle ground although his accidents are pretty heavy. Thanks for your reply I really appreciate it x.

Does he ever get constipated?

That's a tough thing for your lovely son to be dealing with at school. Is the wetting happening at a specific time or with a trigger e.g. when laughing?

The pants come in various absorbency levels (these are the highest absorbency, so higher than the ones I linked above Incontinence underpants - Cool looking). You can also pop a booster pad on top for extra absorption x

That is so tough - no experience in this but do you think it's medical or psychological? Could you send him to private therapy whilst waiting for nhs?

A friend’s Ds had this issue. He got a watch with a vibrating alarm and he went to the toilet at set times. This eliminated the accidents. Botox injections to his bladder solved the problem.

Im completely clueless. He’s always had accidents but last year or so they seem to be more regular. I wouldn’t have thought it was psychological but I guess nothing can be ruled out. He does get a lot of attention from his teachers and myself when he wets although surely this is outweighed by the embarrassment. Unfortunately we can’t afford anything private. Guess we’re going to have to wait it out. Thanks for your help.

My DS is younger but can't have any artificial food colourings in the likes of diluting juice, haribo, skittles, capri sun etc. Especially when they're blackcurrant or orange or he does this. Since we've restricted these things it has resolved itself but now we notice every "juice" affects him the same way, although some of them are very slight. I know this could be completely different from your son but thought I'd mention it as it's helped a few friends when I've mentioned in passing.

I’ve never heard anything about Botox injections. Where did they get this done? Also how old was your friend’s DS when he stopped having accidents. Thanks

Can you talk to his teacher and have set times he gets sent to the toilet?

Interesting you say dyspraxia, my adhd child wetted until quite late, hed be fine for a while and then it would start again (accompanied by general decljne in behaviour & concentration) They often don't get the signals on time. Presumably he's tried going at set times? Mine did just grow out of it. It's hard for you both.

How old was your child when they stopped. He’s regularly prompted at home and school but more often than not he realises too late and doesn’t make it in time. It’s really hard and starting to take its toll on me now. Thanks for your reply, it’s good to know we’re not the only ones.

How old is your DS? Good to hear this helped him. We’ve tried restricting certain drinks and having him only drink water during the week but it doesn’t seem to have made much of a difference. Thanks for your help.

We had this last year in year 6 - turned out DS was being bullied and generally not getting on well in year 6 (SATS pressure amongst other things). Also I think it became a little bit of a habit of not listening to his bladder.

Over a weekend or times when he's not at school we made him to go to the toilet through the day at regular hour or two intervals even when he thought he didn't need it. This helped retrain him. Also said to him "check in with your bladder, how does it feel" to make him think to relate the feeling to the act again. In the end he got so frustrated it kickstarted him again.

But I think for the most part it was linked to the bullying and year 6 issues. Perhaps look into those as causes (emotional) rather than physical.

Oh what a shame, it might sound obvious but can school prompt him/the teacher send him to the toilet much more often? If he keeps himself 'empty' so to speak, the accidents will be at least less volume whilst you wait for a solution.

The other thing you could do is speak to the teacher and ask them to remind him at regular intervals. They might be rubbish but they need to remind him.

Xpost @TokyoSushi !

Yes, it definitely takes it's toll. It really cast a shadow over those childhood years and accounts for most of my less than glorious parenting moments - a combination of worry about the impact on them and a feeling of failure on my part. But it is likely linked to neurodivergence and something perception...can't remember the word but it's reduced sensation - or the signal the brain gets from sensation that results in sudden urge and not making it in time.

For us it was rare by 11, pretty much stopped then aside from a very occasional wet bed. I expect puberty will resolve it. Those pants look good. Dealing with humiliation is probably the priority, even if special pants dent his pride a bit, that's between you and him, not the whole class.

Are school aware?

Maybe they could get a plan in place where your son is promted to use the toilet before a lesson starts and as soon as it finishes. If all teachers are made aware it can be handled discretely.

It’s a vicious circle. It’s inevitable DS will get bullied he’s an 11 year old who’s wetting himself. Then he’s missing out on learning when he’s at the toilet or getting himself changed. He puts on a brave face but came home crying yesterday after another bad day and some teasing from his classmates. It’s so tough for both of us.

Thats really good advice about forcing him to go when he doesn’t need it and feeling for sensation.

Hope your son has settled into Y7 and is managing his accidents. I appreciate your reply.

School have been better than I expected about it. They’ll ask him whether he needs the toilet regularly and let him go. They’ll let him go just before break so it’s not busy and he can change his pad if he’s had a small accident. And if he has a big flood they are great in getting him out of the classroom discreetly and helping him change.

I know a boy who had the same struggles but thankfully nobody ever bullied him and it stopped once he was a little older. For him it was heavily based on anxiety and he wouldnt ask to go to the toilet until it was too late.

Chase up the referral and ask to see the continence nurse. Maybe school nurse could give them a push to speed up any appointments.

Any idea how old he was when the accident’s stopped? Just looking for light at the end of the tunnel. And yes I’ll definitely have to chase up the referral.

Sounds like you've had a tough time. Thinking of you! I would look at trying to solve it in the holidays. A couple of weeks of "retraining" should be enough.

I am also wondering for school if you could get a cheap smart type watch that you could programme so it vibrates every couple of hours at school, or at break time and lunchtime to remind him to go? Just a quiet thing that only he knows about, but a reminder for him to go.

Our son got over it pretty quick with all the retraining, hope you manage it ok.