Failure of a mother

[Dancingdinosaurs88]

I have two children, one almost 5 and the other about to turn 1.

Yesterday the HV visited to do my 1 year olds 12 month assessment and it turns out he’s in the grey for all sections apart from gross motor. To me, he’s totally normal and just like his big brother at that age, if not more advanced. He doesn’t play peek a poo but he grins big smiles when we do, he squeaks at things, says dada, crawls, stands independently for a few seconds, belly laughs when we pull faces etc

Anyway. My eldest didn’t even walk until 18 months so I wasn’t concerned until this assessment, but I’ve been given a sheet of games to play with him and I feel like a completely sodding failure. I’m a SAHM to the two kids and I have 1 job which is to help them thrive, and I’ve failed.

My eldest (5 in Jan) has, over the last year, become an incredibly fussy eater. He used to eat anything and everything when little but when he started nursery he was introduced to cake and custard and ice cream puddings, which trickled in to our home life instead of his usual yogurt and honey, but still he used to eat plenty healthy and nourishing foods alongside.

Now he hardly eats. When he does, it has to be beige. Fish fingers and pizza, mostly. I’ve spoken to the GP about him as he’s borderline underweight according to BMI, but they’ve said since he’s thriving at school any referral to the dieticians would be rejected.

Yesterday I brought it up to the HV, who agreed he did look quite slim and the situation I described sounded like it may benefit from a dieticians help.

In an argument later in the day, my partner blamed me. He said that when I’m not on a diet, the house is full of “treats” and that our son is obsessed with treats and puddings, which he is. He will take two bits of his dinner, say he’s finished and ask for pudding. I figured he’s 4, 4 year olds are mostly obsessed with yummy things. Anyway, he says it’s my fault our son is now incredibly picky and I feel like an even bigger failure. I don’t believe it is my fault, but it hurts that he thinks so and it does make me question it.

I only upped the “treats” when he was really refusing foods and I wanted to get calories in, so he’d have squirty cream on his banana oat pancakes, mullet corners, just things he’d eat.

I am completely drained. I feel like I spend a significant portion of my life looking for recipes online that my 5 year old may eat, then cooking them which is time consuming as it usually involves hidden veg etc , for him to then refuse it.

The rest of the time is cleaning, washing, putting it away, and I have never spent a single night away from either of my kids since they were born. I’ve had one evening out in 5 years. I really am a SAHM.But it’s not enough, as I have clearly failed both of them and by doing so I haven’t spent enough time 1 on 1 with the baby.

We have no support from family, it’s just me and my partner. We were proud to have done it all by ourselves as hard as it has been, but now knowing he blames me for these things I am finding myself tearful and full of worry. Have I failed my kids? Is this my doing? I try so hard.

First of all, deep breaths ♥️

Secondly, you're not failing your children. Kids learn things at different ages. Kids are picky eaters! As parents the world seems out to get you constantly, over any decision you make. You sound like a wonderful parent. You need to reframe this in your mind, because the way I read it, 2 children with slight delays/picky eaters are INCREDIBLY lucky because they have a SAHM who is doing all this research and helping them through tricky stages they would have had either way. It's not a fail.

Third, your partner needs a reality check and to be more supportive.

Fourth, just if you haven't found her, I found Kids Eat In Colour on Instagram an amazing resource for picky eating. She's also a huge advocate AGAINST parents blaming themselves and talks a lot about coping/mental health through these issues.

Good luck 💐

Your husband is being unfair and I wonder if you are so isolated because he is controlling? Is all of the cleaning and childcare your "job" as well?

In general, assuming you're not doing something like sticking them in a buggy in front of the TV all day it's very unlikely you've negatively impacted their development. Children only need very normal everyday interaction and play in order to have the opportunity to develop well - some children will need more support or monitoring, and when they do, it's not that you could have magically prevented that by doing some kind of extraordinary parenting. The fact your eldest is thriving at school is great.

My eldest has ADHD and the middle one is in assessment atm for ASD and ADHD so neither of them have quite "normal" timescales of development - I remember being told that my youngest who seems more advanced than both of them at the same age is behind in certain things and it was a bit of a shock, and then I reflected and thought - actually that makes sense - the other two probably didn't have normal developmental milestones so my idea of normal is probably a bit skewed. And then I felt annoyed that nobody had pointed anything out with the older two when they were that age. I just got lots of "Let's wait and see" and "It's normal".

Didn’t want to read and not comment. No it does not sound like you have failed at all it sounds like you are a caring parent who will do her best by her children! I did pretty much the same routines with all my children and they all were at different stages at the assessments, some sooner some later. I bet mumsnet already has many posts about the eating situation - you won’t be alone. I think you are feeling burnt out and it’s easy to blame yourself when you feel that way x

First of all, development is not linear. Second of all, you are a good mum, but it can and is hard to believe that you’re failing when things don’t run smoothly. The fussy eating must be stressful, but beige arguably is better than eating nothing at all.

On the ages and stages questionnaire it’s looking for major discrepancies, not criticising you as a parent. As a mum to an autistic child who scored black for much of his 2 year review (age 2.5) I know it’s very very easy to go down that road of thinking ‘I’m not doing enough’, and panicking about your child lack of ‘expected progress’, but it’s clear that you care very much about your children, and you can’t force development and progress to just simply happen, all you can do is support your children on their journey through life, and they will become their own people.

Where there are concerns around development the HV’s job is to make relevant referrals, which I’m not sure you’ve had or not, but with the preference for beige food, walking late, and your younger child now also delayed in some areas, have you considered neurodivergence or anything related to SN? I know this may not be the case, but many children who are ND have developmental delays and common traits that when put together can form a pattern that might warrant investigation.

Thank you for the reply.

We considered it, but the eating is quite literally the only issue we are having with him, there’s nothing else at all that could indicate anything like that really.

His dad didn’t walk until 18 months either so we figured it was genetics.

You sound so isolated op. You have no support network, no social life and no other outlet away from your kids (work being the big one for most of us). This is really unhealthy and means when things are tough with the kids - and they are for all of us sometimes - it feels like everything has fallen apart. It's totally normal to have these bumps in the road with children but what's not normal is to have no other outlet for yourself.

Is it your choice to be a sahm? Is there family you could move closer to? Why doesn't your partner give you time to yourself without the kids?

It was a joint decision. When our eldest was young, we both worked part time and looked after him on alternate days. My partner wanted to go back full time (he owns a business) and I was hating work so it was decided. I do regret it, though I appreciate him working to provide for us.

My partner does encourage me to take “me time” but I haven’t been able to leave the baby for extended periods until now (breastfeeding) and I’ve kind of lost myself now. I feel like I’m just a mum.

I think you should get rid of all the junk and ask the nursery what exactly they feed in their puddings. My daughters' nursery makes everything from scratch and their custards are whole egg ones with maybe a 1bs of sugar between 30 kids. Even their cakes use grated apple instead of sugar.

OP you sound like a brilliant mum and you definitely haven't failed your kids. The love and care you have for them is so so evident in your posts. You do sound overwhelmed, isolated and unsupported though.

I would remind your partner that you are a team and his job is to support, encourage, and work with you to find a solution, not mindlessly criticise and blame.

You haven’t failed your kids. I bet your kids ARE thriving in some ways and not in others, like a lot of kids.

Take a bit more time for yourself now that you can and I think you will start to feel better.

Your major problems:

1. In an argument your partner blames you
2. You do nothing but domestic work and childcare

Being a sahm means you do more of the domestic stuff, not all of it. How many hours of leisure do you and your partner each get? I'll bet he has more.

Yes, you should not keep treats in the house. He won't want his dinner and will ask for them instead. Downgrade to malt loaf then fruit yoghurt etc rather than stopping cold turkey.

Go out somewhere. Join a class or go on a day trip or visit an old friend. Better still, increase nursery hours and get a part time job.

Your hv needs to record what's going on. You know in your heart if you try your best with your kids, and it sounds like you do. Babies don't need 121 exclusively, they learn from siblings as well. They're just following their own path.

To be fair, the food part would bother me a lot, too. All kids go through the phase where they only want sweets and not "real food."
It isn't a problem as long as it's hommade and not ultra processed.

Would getting him involved in baking and cooking would help? My daughter loves making smoothies, hommade pizza, scones, bread, ice cream, etc. She always eats what she makes - she would not touch it if I just offered for her.
Getting the kid chopping board and knifes was the best thing I've ever got for my toddler.

Your partner sounds nasty. No wonder you feel rubbish.

Speak with him and explain you'd like to work on everything as a team. Just because you're a sahm doesn't mean he can just shout down at you from the ivory tower and blame you - he has to focus on stuff for the kids too and help with eating etc.

Maybe go to couples counselling