Struggling with 2yo behavior

[FrizzledFrazzle]

My DS is nearly 2.5y and I'm really struggling to not get frustrated with his behaviour at the moment.

When we're at home, he's very clingy to me so that unless I explicitly hand him over to DH and shut myself in a different room (with a timer for DS) I can't get anything done.

He's very shouty and noisy at the table at mealtimes and will bang stuff on the table and shout the same thing over and over if DH and I say more than a sentence to each other. He also deliberately drops food on the table or mashes it up, or runs over it with his toy cars and it's so frustrating. We of course tell him that food is for eating and not to do this, and remove the food (or eventually him) if he doesn't stop, but it's extremely frustrating.

He gets angry and shouts and screams about tiny little things - like if I go to the toilet before him in the morning, or go out of the room when he's having breakfast, or put his food on the wrong plate or whatever. Every little thing. Similarly getting dressed - big fuss, even with choices about what to wear. Tooth brushing is an extensive rigmarole with several brushes and a story on my lap; shoes and socks often another big fuss; tearful nursery handover every morning (although mostly fine there).

I'm feeling like such a rubbish parent because I got really annoyed at bathtime yesterday and yelled at him after he'd repeatedly splashed water on the floor, then when I said it was time to get out created an elaborate game of dropping his toy cars out one by one, resulting in more splashing (on purpose) and then when I finally told him "out, now" and took him out of the bath he screamed and cried. Then I shouted at him that he was getting out of the bath because I'd told him repeatedly not to splash and he'd done more splashing. And he cried even more.

DH said I massively overreacted and that it isn't fair to DS for me to be so shouty. But I'm just feeling so frazzled about every little thing that needs to be a battle.

Stuff we do that helps a bit:

• very strong routine morning and evening so he knows what is coming next
• offer choices - these trousers or those ones
• use a timer - now or in 2 minutes and do the thing when the timer goes off
• naming feelings
• try to "take action without insult" (from how to talk...) so that I'm still calm when removing items / putting his clothes on while he kicks and shouts
• trying to let go of the little things but being firm on the things that are non negotiable boundaries

But it is just so so draining and frustrating. I know it is normal toddler behaviour, but what can I do to manage it without feeling/being so angry? I work in a caring profession and I never thought I'd find parenting so hard - it feels like I'm constantly on edge and on the edge of exploding.

2 years olds are little shites. They test you!!

Dig deep to be unbothered. If my 3 year old kicked up a fuss because I went to the toilet before them I'd say "that's a bit silly" and crack on with what I was doing. Same for bathtime. Put less water in the tub and don't worry too much about a bit of splashing.

I don't allow any toys at the table. The dinner table is for eating and chatting. Any nonsense I just say "you must not be hungry at the moment" and remove the food. If there's more nonsense my child is removed.

Remember that everything is an opportunity to explore. So loosen up with water and messy play so that he can get lots of those experiences instead of seeking them out in his mashed potatoes. Toy cars in the food, nope. But a bit of mashing and squashing with a fork and general pissing about at the table you just have to let go because he's 2 and a half.

If you're consistent with this and very calm about everything it will get better. Shouting doesn't help. It is hard, yes. They are very trying little creatures.

I recommend a book called When Your Kids Push Your Buttons. It teaches how to cope with your agenda vs his agenda when he's winding you up. I found it immensely helpful.

To be honest I would scale back your expectations of yourself. This is a really hard age and a lot of this will be your experience regardless of your parenting strategy. Sometimes the well meaning advice you can get about cajoling your child along or making every little thing you need to do into a game can fuel the absolute relentless exhaustion. And ultimately this means you feel more frustrated and drained by it. One thing I did is something I learnt in dog training - ask twice and if they haven’t done it by the third time (gently obviously) physically stop them and make them do as you ask. The theory being that if they haven’t listened the first two times then you are wasting your time and undermining your own voice.

When mine were this age it helped me to remember that this was a completely normal developmental stage, and they weren't doing things like this just to annoy me. DS2 in particular was a very strong willed toddler, but he's now a gorgeous teenager who works hard at school and is very loving to me and his dad. Honestly I can't believe he's the same child! Hang in there OP.

Btw I don't think your DH's comment was very helpful. Everyone snaps sometimes!

This is a really difficult age and I completely sympathise with you OP. My LO is now 3.5 and he is slowly improving but I remember feeling frustrated and angry constantly between the ages of 2-3.

They are starting to become more aware of how their actions impact others around them. And will do things to get a reaction. They also find it hard to rationalise their feelings at that age and so will have big emotions.

I found that LO really brought out an ugly side to me, I really struggled to have patience with him and on occasion found myself being disproportionally angry at him.

it feels like a battle every single day, but I found that focusing on the little wins really helped us get through it. This phase will pass so quickly and become a distant memory soon. It is not anything you are doing wrong, it is most likely a developmental stage.

Hang tight OP!

Thanks everyone, some good advice here!

@Yourethebeerthief I will definitely have a look at the book you mention. Tbh I do quite a lot of what you suggest already - it's just that it leads to lots of screaming and shouting from DS. "No! No! I want to do a pee! Not your turn Mummy!" the whole time I was on the loo this morning for example. And multiple other mini rages in the following hour. So I mostly do the sensible, calm or lighthearted thing, but it still grinds me down until I run out of calm and snap. Definitely need to find strategies for not losing my temper and shouting because it doesn't actually help anything.

@Happierthaneverr I also use doing it for him if he can't do it after 2 requests! This has to be quite sparing though, because it can very quickly escalate to me trying to force a screaming, kicking, thrashing toddler into his pyjamas. Quite often, slightly more lenience gets him to a place where he complies happily and without fuss and dysregulation. But yes, it's wishful thinking that there is some magic parenting strategy that makes everything calm - it's more about being calm and consistent and waiting for the stage to pass I guess!

@Spiderweb13 Yes, it's the disproportionately angry feelings that I really struggle with! I think in reality it's more like a final straw on an overburdened camel sometimes. So I'm looking at strategies for staying calm in moments of massive frustration, and also ways to refill my own cup during the day so that I'm not close to my limit all the time. Glad to hear that things can get better after 3!

@LimeYellow glad to hear that your strong willed toddler is now a lovely teen! There's hope!