At breaking point with 5year old girl

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Hi I signed up as I don't know we're to ask for advice I'm at my breaking point and challenged as parent I have a 5 year old girl who is in year1 and has speech delay and social delayed development not behaving like a 5 year old we have daily challenges and it's breaking me and her dad up we so exhausted we have a huge age gap in other kids she was a miracle child after 13 years so we have to boys 21 and 19 then we had our 2 miracle girls in 2017 and 2019 , she is 5 may born so she is not were your normal year 1 child would be so massively behind her peers and school has a ehcp plan in place it's a battle to send her to school she makes excuses cries tantrums she refuses to walk wants to be picked up by her dad all the time and is clingy to him and she is heavy so that's a struggle doing school run she is also having sleep issues won't sleep in her own room wants our bed or sleep with her brother room she doesn't understand what we say and cries all the time wakes up middle of night and messes about if she has anything in her head she can't get it out refuses to cooperate listen understand I don't know who to seek help or what to do I'm mentally exhausted and I break down in tears all other kids are fine her sister 7 is so patient and doesn't get much attention as all focus and help on youngest girl

Is she on a waiting list to be assessed for anything?

MN has a specific board for special educational needs which is lovely and supportive if you want to look:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs

Sorry to hear you’re going through this, it sounds tough. It also sounds like she might have ASD? Has she been seen by the community paediatrician? Does she get speech therapy ? Have you seen if there is any support for parents with children with Autism by your local council? Often talking to others in similar position helps.

Hi so she not on waiting list for anything and her school or nursery seem to think she doesn't have adhd I also when she was under a paediatrician I asked this does she have signe of adhd or autism she said no and discharged her at age of 3

I have a 5 year old girl who is in year1 and has speech delay and social delayed development

From what you say it seems as if she does have issues that need to be looked into. Can you get a referral from your GP?

Gosh that sounds really difficult. First, I think you are right your DD5 is developmentally delayed. This means she isn’t refusing to cooperate or refusing to act her age or refusing to listen- it means she cannot do these. The crying and clinginess is the natural reaction to wanting to please parents but sensing you are constantly getting wrong and in the face of parental anger and frustration, seeking reassurance in the form of closeness and affection.

So first, stop trying to get her to be like other 5 years olds. A child that is developmentally delayed often is 3 years behind their peers. So she could be at level of a 2 year old. Rewind your expectations and reduce the demands on her.

I would also pressure the school for an urgent referral to CAMHS to get her assessed by an educational psychologist for autism/ADHD. I know a pediatrician said they didn’t see anny signs, but they failed to tell you that they are not trained on what either of those look like in a 3 yo- they are trained on physical health not neurodivergence.

You can also self refer for an ECHP- you don’t need the school to do it.

Wishing you the best.

@StSwithinsDay what refferal shall I ask gp for

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice a lot of your reply makes sense from being a lockdown baby to then having huge let down from nhs speech delay and no one understands what I mean I see signs something not right from young age but health visitors was hopeless she is now having speech therapy from school since reception and much better and talking and then she has also episodes of this behaviour only wants dad doesn't want to walk huge meltdown it's either her way or no way yet she went holiday and she was walking enjoying cooperative no meltdowns unless if something new in routine like wen we went from one hotel to another it takes time for to get used to something new and she also repeats what she needs or want a million times like no patience

Pretty sure they mean for learning disability assessment- ADHD, ASD, etc

School can refer or GP.

OP- I have a DD who is very much autistic and she was a lot like your DD at the same age.

Editing to add that while my DD is years behind her peers in maturity, she is on the path to being able to live independently as an adult. When I realised she can’t help the way she is, it made me more sympathetic and patient with her and as a result, she was a more easy going and sweet child. Others said I was pandering to fussiness, but they were wrong. You know your child best and sometimes you need to just trust in that and then trust that your child is also trying their best too.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice how old was she assessed for autistic and how old is she now what help and treatment did you get

Ah well, I was fobbed off and then the pandemic so she wasn’t diagnosed until she was 8. She got an echp and a 1:1 TA. She didn’t have speech delay but rather selective mutism. Mostly we changed our parenting to view the demands as an expression of an unmet need and started to do what we could to accommodate her rather than try and just get her to do things our way.

Update another broken night she woke up upset at 12 manage to get her to sleep but in our bed she was deep sleep then up again crying back to bed at 1.30 contacted gp for appointment she is tired for school and doesn't want to go this is breaking me up

That’s a shame to hear they instantly said no without a proper assessment for Asd. In this assessment there are other professionals involved not just the paediatrician. I think look into Autism and try and get her referred again, and say that you need them to assess for Asd. If she goes to school, get the school to do a report as well, does she have speech delay ? If so, ask speech and language referral too, use their report as well.

It sounds like she might be struggling in school, and therefore who can blame her for not wanting to go. Struggling at school could also be affecting her sleep (obviously could be other things as well). What does her EHCP have on it? Does it include 1:1 support and if so, are the school meeting this?

There are definite signs of ASD - not coping with transitions and new places, meltdowns, social delayed development. There is also possible ADHD with being up all hours.

She needs assessing OP, I can't believe how badly you and she have been let down. I would speak to school as well and see what their take on it is (but remember they are not experts on SEN) speak to the SENCO at her school (but again primary school SENCO's often don't have huge experience) so don't take their word as 100%. If they have concerns about ASD/ADHD though then you could ask if they could get someone in to observe her from SENDIAS.

I would also speak to your GP and tell them what you've noticed - especially about her not liking new places or the transitions between them, her melt downs, delayed social development and sleep issues. Write it all down if necessary!

Thankyou @Julie168 im absolutely broken called school senco and gp waiting still on a appointment I'm so exhausted with lack of sleep and stress that I'm angry and snappy at fella and kids I'm so stressed with my princess and the system I'm thinking I kept asking from a young age that does she have adhd or autism I remember nursery the educational psychologist or something like that came in to assess her for ehcp they didn't highlight or notice any thing then on to.scbool they didn't seem concerned but I see something going on and now I need answers as I can't go on like this I don't know how to handle her as I dont have answers or help I bottle it all in mentally exhausted