How do I be better mum

[MumNeedsHelp6]

First post

I’m currently sat in bed listening to my two beautiful boys playing together in their room (7 and 4 in December) absolutely riddled with anxiety that I’m a terrible mother.

I’ve been unwell the last few days and I don’t cope very well with being sick, I’m a bit pathetic and it seems to bring on anxiety which makes it worse. I’m exhausted and drained and nauseated.

Their dad is awake with them downstairs.

I just can’t shift the fact I’m a terrible mum and would love hints tips on how I can change this. My boys are only little for so long and it petrifies me. The passing of time is draining me. Can’t believe my youngest will be 4 soon. Have I spent enough time with him? Does he love me?

My eldest is on the asd pathway and struggles with social and communication. They fight terribly and they just don’t listen to me, ever. Or their dad in fairness. So I end up being a shouty mum, and I really don’t want to be. Last week husband was on nights and I tried to do a nice evening with books etc and youngest was just so spiteful - had his choices then wouldn’t listen to brothers - I had to physically remove him from the room. He was lashing out at his brother.

They hurt each other so often - little one bleeding from the head the other day after being hit with Lego after destroying his brothers build (after being told so many times to be careful)

It just feels harder than it should and I really really want to be the best mum I can be. It’s draining. I think I’m struggling mentally but don’t know why - I have a wonderful life. But I just can’t concentrate on anything atm.

I’ve contacted a therapist I saw at the beginning of the year. And hope she can see me asap but just practical advise would help

But please help me, at this age - what things were you doing for/with your kids? Yesterday they went to football (3) swimming (7) Dad took to both this week as I’m not well. Played watched tv (there’s a lot of tv always on) when I felt a little better I had got myself in such a state we played a game the 3 of us whilst husband had gone out but this is rare as it always descends in chaos (but if we don’t do it how will they learn) then took them to see some lights and Santa. I felt good about yesterday in the end but is it enough? I feel like I’m ignoring them sometimes - like now I can hear them playing and I’m in bed writing this out. I should be playing with them right?

there’s so much time where we do “nothing”

God I just didn’t know it would be this hard. I don’t recall mum ever playing with me but I was always out playing, such a different generation!

And now husband is shouting at the kids as they have thrown an Alexa down the stairs. It just descends into chaos all the time. Is this normal!!!!!!!

Adding more, didn’t want to drip feed etc. and just want to give more info

I work 3 days a week, for those days little one is 1. With MIL 2. Half day nursery, half day my mum 3. Nursery all day.

He gets the 30 hours in nursery and goes m - 1/2 day w- 2 hours, whilst I’m off. And then the above. So we don’t use full entitlement.

He sometimes moans about going but loves it, he is so different from eldest, so social loves seeing his friends and all the activities they do.

but I them feel guilty that I work part time and put him in nursery one morning g a week - should I be doing this? The morning helps as I’m able to get on with stuff.

Financially fine on me part time no need to increase hours and I don’t want to.

On a Wednesday we go to a toddler group - he is the oldest there though as a lot of others his age left to go to nursery - but instead he goes in the afternoon.

God I’m writing this and I feel so incredibly lost, I just want to be a great mum. Why doesn’t this come naturally to me. I spend way to much time on my phone/distracted and am so wrapped up in them not getting attention they deserve il be googling it and reading threads about it instead of actually changing my behaviours

please help!

Being a mum is tough! I went to a parenting workshop last week run by a child psychotherapist. She specialises in “spicy” kids (neurodiverse). She has this online community that may be helpful. https://prismparents.com/?utm_source=heidirogerscom&utm_medium=homepage&utm_campaign=prism

I haven’t joined the community, but what she was talking about made a lot of sense.

The biggest takeaway I got from the workshop was don’t shame your kids.

I’m sure you’re doing a good job. Just keep trying. Every moment is a new opportunity to improve. Don’t let mum guilt tear you apart.

Thank you I will have a look.

I’ve done a few parenting courses aimed at eldest with his probable diagnosis. I feel like I spend more time researching how to help him than actually doing anything. I just fear so much that I’ve messed this all up somehow

Is the eldest being assessed for ADHD as well as ASD? Some of his behaviours sound like he could be dopamine seeking in his interactions with his younger brother?

Has he had a referral to an OT and has he got an ECHP?

Don't beat yourself up about being unwell. Everyone gets unwell from time to time, despite how my old DMIL used to react when people were ill, it is not a character flaw

If you have one who is on the pathway, I think it's worth doing the 4 year Ages & Stages and also the 4 year Social & Emotional Ages & Stages for the youngest as being ND can be hereditary so the youngest could be too.

The SN Chat and the SN Children sections on MN are both very supportive and helpful too

Nip things in the bud before they happen. Go back around the house and childproof like you did when they were smaller now they have more independence being unsupervised, move things like Alexa and other valuables way out of reach.

Pockets of play - you don't need long extensive play sessions, fit in pockets of play during the day. I kept toys like connect 4, battleships, Uno, guess who in the kitchen so they could be played whilst I prepped dinner or afterwards.

Don't do too much. If you have a child with autism that is especially important, you need to include 'nothing' time. Otherwise a lovely day will suddenly turn into chaos.

Turn the TV off, have the radio on, podcast, audio book, or children's music on instead of you must have noise.

Don't shout, it does nothing. Providing no one is at immediate risk, stand in the centre of the space and not in a doorway, talk slowly and clearly, lower your chin so your voice is deeper, have your hands by your side not crossed infront of you and tell them what you want from them. Repeat what you say to give processing time, don't rapid fire instructions or comments. Channel your inner Judi Dench / Patrick Stewart not high pitched fast talking children's TV presenter.

Autism is hereditary so that anxiety you are feeling because you feel out of sorts may well be your own autism coming out, it's worth having a think about and using appropriate strategies for yourself

Thank you, I’ve spoke to nursery a bit about youngest as they were great with eldest and spotted before us. They have no concerns but will look at list. They are complete polar opposites.

It’s the heridatary thing that gets me thinking if that’s what my issue is. I was sick/bad tummy yesterday but think it spirals me into anxiety induced bad tummy. I should probably look into a Assesment for adhd myself I meet most conditions. I think I’ve read about 100 minaret threads this morning rather than actually doing anything.

No referal to OT we have even looked private waiting list is insane.

Has an IDP in place (wales) which was an absolute battle earlier this year

Everyone says my boys are “hard work” and I just keep thinking it’s something I’ve done. It has to be. I’m a bad mum, they don’t listen etc. I love them so much. I spiral about eldest - what if he has no friends, how will he be as a grown up, what happens to him if I’m not around

Thanks so much this is all really helpful practical advice I really appreciate.

With the games it just descends into chaos as eldest can’t lose and youngest is just 3. I have purchased some more easy games for Christmas for them both

I try so hard not to shout, I try so hard to be gentle and I am and then it just spirals. And then il feel so guilty

The TV is CBeebies eldest is “young” for his age and can hyper fixate which we have learnt to sometimes to lean it (he is not academic but knows times-tables thank to number blocks ).

Another thank you for this have done the questionnaires and he’s marked as suspected with no issues. We did have a “pre school” health visitor check but he’s a Covid baby so had very little input from them.

Sleep is his only one - in with us every night and a big struggle to get to sleep (ironically didn’t have any of these issues with eldest)

Would have probably done us the world of good to just get out of the house today. But storm Bert is here - hammering down and local park flooded lots of roads closed.

soft plays will be rammed and eldest doesn’t cope great in big crowds

I think that reframing things can help. Children are hard work and it may be that your boys are at a particularly hard work stage. You might not be doing anything particularly wrong.

I have good friends with 3 little girls born close in age. They are gorgeous children and I think my friends are good parents. However it is often hard work and it can end up being a bit of a whirlwind in their house sometimes! I think you just have to make clear simple house rules and then be extremely patient at reinforcing them. They will kick off, fight, get upset, throw tantrums at losing a game etc. Try and take deep breaths and keep on calmly dealing with it.

Do you get any time to yourself when you can switch off a bit? See if you can program this into your week.

Don't try and play the games together.
Play short games 10 mins max each and then switch. Use a sand timer as a visual reminder, there are apps you can use on a device to show this. Hove the other child another fun thing to do next to you.

I think your mistake is trying to do things together. Try games where you can't 'lose', so taking it in turns to build a marble run. DDs marble run was red, yellow, green and blue pieces so I would turn it into a game by sticking red, yellow, blue, green stickers on a dice. The point of games is to teach turn taking there doesn't have to be a winner.

Don't feel guilty about working- do you think your husband feels guilty for working? Should he feel guilty for working? Of course not- so you shouldn't either.

I find with games that we had 'safe' games that were quick. Things like Guess Who, Orchard Games etc.

I just don’t know what it is, there’s no manual is there. There’s no report card telling me I’m doing ok or not, and because other people often refer to them as hard work I feel like that’s saying you are doing a rubbish job.

I do think I have some things I need to change dramatically. On some hands I do stuff well - read to every night, am very open and loving but perhaps I’m a bit ND and don’t like all the games etc.

My mum never played with me or my sister as kids, she plays with my boys all the time. When I have a wobble and worry she always reminds me that parenting was so different then, kids just got on with stuff etc.

We just played a game (3 little pigs) it was before I had seen the other message so we did try together, eldest refused then played then destroyed everything when the wolf didn’t win. I worry so much about him? How can’t he see that you should t want the wolf to win.

my husband is currently building him a paper craft of something he absolutely loves (only option, obscure so no toy) - labour of love. He will probably destroy it in 5 mins

I didn’t even see them for a few hours this morning as was on toilet or in bed feeling rough. But think the feeling rough has spiralled this anxiety and guilt in me that is actually making me feel worse - viscous cycle.

I don’t feel guilt for working, but do for not making the most out of the days I’m off.

so on a Monday I’m off, littlest goes to nursery to 1, pick him up then back at school for 3.20. Don’t think we even do anything in those hours, husbands then home at 4 and eldest needs to calm after school. Youngest then goes to in laws for a sleep as they have him the next day.

i worry il regret not spending so much time with them when im so lucky that im able to