how to let go of the resentment

[CandyCaneSpoon]

I would like to give my ex another chance with contact, he hasn't seen the children in nearly 2 years and has reached out a few times to see them again recently however i've been reluctant to restart contact as he always always lets them down, this is a pattern of behaviour and not a new thing. he is extremely inconsistent, it goes like this he will see them for a while but be extremely inconsistent he will not stick to ANY schedule and will only see them as and when he feels like it and will contact me a few days before asking to see them never again set arrangements as he refuses to stick to anything, he will go months without seeing them and has never seen them regularly he will see them say every 2/3 months.. then eventually he will just disappear and not see them for a year then come back and do the same thing. he's been doing this for years and i've kept trying again,

contact stopped 2 years ago after he was meant to come down for one of their birthdays then didn't turn up. he's been back in contact recently asking to see them again and i would like to restart contact again as long as he can be consistent and see them regularly (eow for the day as he won't have them overnight) but how do i move past the resentment? what's holding me back is i am extremely angry and resentful towards him, he has barely seen them since we split 8 years ago, my youngest doesn't know or remember him and wouldn't recognise him. even before this he has never had them overnight, never cooked them dinner, never taken the to school or appointments, never paid any maintenance he only visited them at my house. i just feel so resentful towards him that he left me to raise them alone now it feels like he will be coming back when all the hard work is done?! i've been through some tough times with them where i really would have needed the support from the other parent but he didn't want to know. how do i put this resentment behind me and not let it affect things? i just feel angry he gets to pick up things years later and benefit from my hard work with them.. is it possible to move past this resentment and start again with coparenting?

What has motivated him to be back in contact and wanting to see his children after such a long absence? Given his erratic behavior this is a fair question.

Your feelings sound pretty spot on. He's left you to do all the work, which is tiring and relentless, and he comes and goes as it suits his whims, rather than with any regard to his children's need to have their dad, or your very real need for aupport.

Anger can indicate our boundaries are not being respected. It seems protective to have a boundary around your children getting their hopes up and then being let down. However you will be able to support them through whatever happens and it is possibly best in the long run to let your children get to know their father for whoever he truly is. Kids are pretty on to it and will figure out untrustworthy people fairly quickly. Just don't gaslight them into believing he is someone he is not.

it's not a new thing he contacts once a year all the time to see them so i don't think there is anything particular making him get in contact this is a pattern for him he just never sticks to it and gets bored quickly sees them a few times then can't keep up with it. i've stopped letting him do that after he didn't show up to my daughters birthday so since then on his yearly contact i haven't facilitated it because i know how it goes and he will drop them again.

Just realised I didn't address your question.
Resentment can usually be sorted by deciding on your boundaries and sticking to them. It is ok, and wise, to decide on some boundaries that you stick to firmly with someone like your ex. You can be guided by what is in the best interest of your children and also by your need to maintain your own sanity.
Also know that he will never have the relationship you have with your children. The chickens will come home to roost at some stage.

Have you told him that his pattern of behaviour is damaging and you are reluctant to facilitate contact again?

I agree about setting boundaries and given his typical pattern I would treat him more like a long distance grandparent and agree to one weekend visit a year, never on special occasions such as birthdays or Christmas.

What makes you think this time will be different? I only have my personal experience as the child in this situation and I'm kind of biased on this after what it did to my sister, but the best thing our occasionally around, mostly absent, full of BS promises and excuses parent ever did for me was finally leaving for good. My DSis and I would have been better off if they'd never come back into our life after leaving the first time.

i'm not sure it will be different but i'm willing to try. i have zero family and i can't help but feel that isn't fair on my kids growing up with no family at all so this is their only other family so i'm willing to try to at least have some kind of contact with them for their sake.

yes i've told him but he doesn't believe me and doesn't see how it could affect them, he doesn't seem to understand. once a year?

I would hang on until dc are teens and old enough to know he is flakey. They can then decide if they want to see him. His wants don't outshine dc's needs to have a stable life. Stable with only you is far better than unsettled with him in /out when it suits him.

the oldest is a teen

Eliflurtle has explained it from a child’s point of view.
I think you should take heed of what they are saying.
Has he got a new girlfriend by any chance? This would fit the pattern.
Put your children first. I think only seeing a parent once in a year and then them sodding off and forgetting about you would be far more damaging than not seeing them at all.If you facilitate his fickle wishes, you will feel resentment.

i very much doubt, he is the type that wouldn't see the children if he had a gf and he told me he doesn't tell women he has children so i doubt it's that.

yes just once a year because it genuinely doesn’t sound like he will change. It seems he will consistently pop up and want contact once a year so I’d stick with that. I know it’s not enough for them to build a meaningful relationship but it is at least consistent and will help shield them from unrealistic expectations of this man.

i'm not sure how once a year would work that will be something to think about if that would actually be beneficial to the children.

Personally I wouldn't give his request head space. He is messing with your head not actually wanting to see the dc. Time to block him in all ways and stop feeling guilty..
And enjoy your dc. They will ime accept the decision you made was best for them.

i do understand that but as explained i have no family that's why i would like to start contact again with him because my children don't have any extended family at all only him so i feel that is not right for them to grow up with no family perhaps if i had a big family then i would feel different but he is there only other family member so trying again for their sake