Teenager always late

[SparrowSkies]

My 16-year old daughter is always running late and it's driving me mad. She's works hard and is doing really well at school – but she often gets detentions for arriving late in the mornings. It's usually just 5-10 mins late, so she's not really missing out on her lessons (more registration) – but all the same, I don't want her to think this is OK in the real world. When she's meeting friends, aiming to get a bus - whatever – she always take things to the wire. She turned up on time for her GCSE exams, but even then I felt she was not leaving a comfortable margin.

When I ask her about it, she says she can't (as in literally can't!) aim to leave any earlier than she has to (because she knows she can get away with leaving at a certain time) – but she is then inevitably sidetracked by the smallest thing (missing makeup, lost gloves, whatever) – and there's a knock-on effect. She becomes incredibly irate when I try to get her to move faster and says it makes things worse.

Do I just leave her to it and hope that she changes? She doesn't seem to mind about the detentions so they'e not having much effect.

Should I be imposing consequences myself? I could remove her phone for an evening for example or is this too harsh... I don't want to make things worse.

Is it just the way some people are?

I'm grateful she's doing well at school but I wonder what's at the root of this behaviour.

She's exhibiting signs of Adhd in females, may bot be the case but I would investigate. Not just being late but being rushed will make her feel unregulated which is why she becomes irate. What she is saying about not being able to make it happen is difficult to explain but it can feel like there is a physical block. Also missing items as you're about to leave are all apart of that as she might not have the executive function or organisational skills to have it all ready to go. It sounds like by getting her school work done and getting to her exam on time is masking just enough to keep her head above water.

To start with, she could set a timer she can see so she knows how long she has before she has to put shoes on etc and you could help her work back what she needs to do and what time to start getting ready. A list she can have in sight of what she needs to have ready etc will help more then consequences.

Impose consequences 100%. And make it clear that being ready early is no crime at all.

Unless you want her to think the kind of attitude that pervaded the Covid press conferences which never started on time is acceptable.

I'm like this I don't mean to be though.
I work fully Flexi and have a job where I can't be late which is useful, I just need to do my hours at some point between 7am - 7 pm.

My husband cannot be on time. It drives me mad so things we do together I just tell him 5/10mins earlier. He still believes my child is supposed to come out of school at 320 (it's actually 315). He usually turns up at the school gate at 317!

Is she in sixth form if she's done her GCSE's already? If so - I think I'd let the consequences be her own.

This is often a sign of ADHD. It can also just be immaturity. Or immaturity as a reault of ADHD.

The thing here is that it doesn't seem to bother her and it's not impacting her life negatively. Of course, it's impacting your life and possibly the lives of her friends and classmates when she's late, and that is very annoying.

IF she is open to it, and at a time when you're not both stressed, late or irritable, I would try to discuss this with her and suggest some strategies.

I suspect I have some ADHD (it's in the family so not unlikely but mostly I don't think it impacts me too much) and one of the things I have found is that I've had to learn is that my ability to judge last minute things is awful. So I'm quite good at planning and scheduling my time to leave but I can be thrown off completely by something unexpectd or I'll take on some additional small task, totally underestimating how long it will take. So now I try to always build flex into my schedule in the first place and I've taught myself to say, "no, I am no tgoing to just grab tha tpile of washing and chuck it in the machine unless I am completely ready to go and still have time to spare."

So in her case, perhaps you encourage her to get into the habit of packing her bag the night before, or picking out her clothes. DS used to get derailed ALL THE TIME because he couldn't find his trousers or a clean pair of socks. Now he does that the night before.

Also, it's worth pointing out to her that being late might not bothe rher, but it is selfish and rude towards other people and she could find herself losing friends as a result.

Thanks all. I don't think my daughter has ADHD – unless lateness / disorganization can be a sole symptom? She did very well in her GCSES, doesn't struggle with concentration at school or organizing revision and has lots of friends – BUT she has a complete disregard for being on time, and is also very messy / disorganized around daily chores (I can't bear to look inside her bedroom).

She finds any kind of housework exceptionally tedious, and changing her bedclothes is a major undertaking for her! (She does it when asked but I know she finds the drudgery of it really stressful). I don't know if this is just typical teenage behaviour or something more.

I am now 80% sure I have ADHD, or at least markers for it. But I'd say my "symptoms" were/are all ones that are largely manageable with tricks I implement for myself and/or that present as quirks of my personality- so mildly annoying for some people and/or requiring a bit more effort from me (eg I can be ridiculously talkative and I have spent YEARS working on it but I don't blame people who might choose NOT to be my friend as a result). So even if it is ADHD, if this is the main symptom, I wouldn't be too concerned. It's more just that using it as a way to think about it, and perhaps to develop some tactics, can be helpful.

Oh, and yes, lateness and disorganisation are absolutely classic ADHD symptoms. Doesn't mean she has it, or that it's an issue, just pointing it out. I find cleaning fine, but tidying really hard. As a teenager, when cleaning my room, the only way I could do it effetively is to do a whole bunch, then com eback into the room and see ewhat was out of place, and repeat x100 until the room was tidy.

Yes, I take your point @TheTruthICantSay
Our conversations around this issue are often very fraught but I'd love to help her finds some time management strategies. I feel like she'd like to change but won't actually admit it (if you see what I mean). Her usual (teenage) response to my 'your'e going to be late' is 'I don't care!!'
So I'll try and find the right time to have a proper chat with her.

I get that. Dh definitely has ADHD, DS does as well and as I said, maybe me. Re lateness, all three of us get very defensive about it and almost feel victimised when our deficiencies are pointed out. With DS, the odd comment in advance for him to think about and implement when he's ready seems to help. DH and I tend to do it ourselves - because we're adults and realise we need to get smarter about this stuff.

In women it can be, if you google Adhd in females, it will give a different list to googling just Adhd. It is still very common for females to not by diagnosed because the don't present with the commonly known symptoms of adhd. I work in the field as well as having a child who presents similar to yours. They are internally busy which causes the distractions.

Your daughter may not have ADHD but if you're worrying about setting her up for adult life, it's much easier to start the investigation now rather then when she's struggling as an adult.

She may have ADHD she may not but sadly I’m not sure whether lateness will be enough to warrant further investigation. It seems to me that the waiting list is so long for SEN services that it’s only the children that a more severely impacted that will get seen.

In an ideal world anyone that struggles should have the opportunity but realistically the services are so stretched that it’s difficult to get on a waiting list