Ways to help 4yo (deeply feeling kid) feel like the are in control

[coffeemonsterrrr]

TLDR: looking for ideas of how I can help my 4.5 year old feel like he has more control in day to day life.

Context: My 4.5 yo is very strong-willed and feels things in a big way. I have read about "spirited" children, "deeply feeling kids" and other names for it, and I've read all the books. I don't know if there will be a diagnosis in the future and I am not attached to that either way. He is who he is. But that's just by way of setting the context for my question so that I'm not drip-feeding. I know all 4 year olds are control freaks, but he is "more", in every way. He is full of life, joy, energy and love but also reeeeally struggles with ANYTHING where he isn't in control and has wild wild meltdowns. He tells me to go away and leave him alone, don't look at him, attaches shame to anything where he feels he has done something "wrong". (Note - this is NOT a reflection on our parenting as we have been conscious about never making a big deal about "spilt milk" being really casual and accepting about stuff like that and neutral and unreactive about discussing "embarrassing" or vulnerable things, open about everything, plus shower him him love, cuddles, affection, confidence boosts etc).
I could go into examples but those with children similar will know what I mean.

Anyway alongside the above I would love to hear about a few ideas that have worked for other parents (maybe with similar children)? E.g. with food I am serving stuff family style and letting him choose. What other strategies can I adopt to make him feel like he has more control in his world?

Thank you

lunchtime bump

Has it been consistent, and is there anything worse than you've described? Does it often happen at the end of the day, linked to tiredness or hunger?

To be honest, it doesn't sound that unusual, does it? My 4yo and I still fall out all the time about brushing teeth, putting shoes on etc but I'm assuming it's a phase and just riding it out!

She's got older toddler style wishes for control than I remember with my old child but I'm thinking they are all different, different temperaments etc.

I do the usual 'blue shoes or red shoes' but she's never been fooled with options, she's responded with 'no shoes!' since she was very little. I do consequences (no tv, only 2 books instead of 3, I'll be disappointed, which sometimes works), and tbh just get annoyed, but also love her and apologise if I lose my rag, and each day turns into the next and I assume it won't always be like this.

It's usually when she's tired or hungry or nervous about going to school for some reason.

I was more worried when she was hitting and biting me (sigh) though that has now thankfully passed, it was just a phase in her 3s.

I have one a little older that sounds very similar!

Clothes I put out a few options and he chooses which to wear, this has got more important as he's got older, and now he just goes into the cupboard and styles his look for the day!

At the weekend, he gets to make a list of the things he wants to do and in which order, and also which chores (within reason, they all have to be done eventually), and we work through them. I do the same, so it's not all about him.

When we're on holiday we each have our own day to be in charge - choose where we're going, what we eat etc. This has worked really well over the years including when different family members came with us, everyone gets their turn and everyone has to play nicely when it's someone else's turn.

We have a couple of books on the go most of the time, so that he can match the book to his mood...but it means we always fit some reading in somewhere.

He has the run of spotify (with the unsuitable stuff preselected out) to choose music, with me regularly asking for one of my favourites so it's not all about him.

I think most of that is probably about the "illusion" of control rather than the reality, but it seems to work for us :)

Thanks @Tatiepot these are exactly the kind of ideas I was after! I LOVE the holiday idea! I'm thinking we could do that over the Xmas break.

@Pjani thanks for responding, but to be honest I didn't feel you got what I was trying to say. Perhaps I haven't been clear and it's difficult to describe. But saying "it doesn't sound that unusual does it" to a Mum who's struggling with a particularly feeling child isn't that helpful tbh, as the inference is "why are you struggling".

I'm getting hints of ASD and a PDA profile, Pathological Demand Avoidance because my DS has this. Have you considered it?

I use timers/alarms a lot, it seems to take the sting out of being forced to do something if it's not me saying it has to be done but all of us responding to the timer! So for instance in the morning we have an alarm that goes off when it's time for everyone to get their shoes on and go to school, if I can tell he's in the sort of mood that will mean bath time is an issue then I'll put a timer on Alexa so he can hear how much time we have until bath. Alexa is quite good generally actually, DS1 is in charge of asking what the forecast is for the day in the morning, and I'm sure there's other things it could be used for that would give him the feeling of being in charge. Although I no longer have music controlled by it as he abused "Alexa, stop!".

I also think having non-negotiable routines helps. He knows we have breakfast, he goes to the bathroom and then he gets dressed and that there's no play between any of those stations.

Give him choices as often as you can.
Would you like your blue jumper or green jumper?
Would you like to go to the park or to the woods?
Would you like to wear your coat or be cold?
Would you like toast or cereal for breakfast?
Would you like your gloves or have freezing fingers?

Yeah yeah, no offence at all but this advice is always trotted out and is so fundamental. I would never not offer a choice for those type of things. This is much deeper than this.

My eldest is 16 he was like this. I spent a fortune on books trying to work it out. Then a family member who was training in child psychology said stop giving him so many choices.

Seemingly unwittingly I was placing too much control. So it was subconsciously placing stress on him.

So I cut the choices down. I gave him a visual timetable, use images if appropriate.

I and family made ourselves acknowledge when we made mistakes in front of him and modeled what is an appropriate way to react.

I also really worked on keeping his world as tight as it needed to be for a while.

I don't know if it was the above combined or it was maturity but it did gradually disappear.

He is an amazing emotionally intelligent emphatic young man. Wants to join the army and protect people in Ukraine. He is the first to help anyone in need and he has been an absolute pleasure to live with as a teenager.

I am sure your little lad will be the same. My mum always said they break out hearts sometimes.

My daughter is like this. Giving more independance (not less) and tighter boundaries seems to be the answer for her.

Eg after nursery she needs to go to her room,
change her clothes, and come downstairs before her snack. Just that 10mins of decompression time really helps her calm down and become happier.

We replaced screens with Audible that she can control via her Amazon Kids device and again that helps her.

I agree with Marblesbackagain. It sounds counterintuitive but less choice might be helpful. I think it is quite stressful for any child to feel he is in control - because deep down he knows he can't manage life by himself. He has to rely on his adults to steer him through. It would be very stressful indeed for a deep-feeling child.

I'm a teacher so I know a bit about it and the research and contested symptoms. He doesn't display those - as in, at school he's compliant and enjoys engaging and following expectations and has no problems being asked to do things.

Like I said it's more about giving him a feeling of being in control as a pp said. I'm not necessarily looking to actually give him choices over everything but find strategies to make him feel in control.

Very consistent routine. So set meal times, set activities, bedtime etc.
Manage his environment, look out for potential issues or signs he's not coping and step in.
Consistent boundaries, if a consequence is needed follow the same pattern - warning, discipline. And do the same one each time. Lots of praise, encouragement, role modeling. Lots of opportunities to burn energy/mental stimulation.
Don't expect more of him than capable of

Also give controlled choice, would you like to do x or y?
Have a visual time table for routines so he knows what to expect

Children usually need to feel the adults are in control. Of course they can have some choices within that, but often they don't actually know what they want and deciding is stressful for them. They may make a choice and then decide actually they wanted the other choice, and get very upset.

Have you looked at rejection sensitivity? Making the wrong choice could be making him feel like he has made a terrible mistake.

It's hard to know from your description what is causing the meltdowns.

Well the advice I received and what worked was the opposite. The reality is control brings responsibility and stress.

At four he may need to actually feel you and his adults in his life are in control.

By giving him control it may actually make him feel out of control because he is four and is struggling. I understand why you have approached it this way but my experience was the reactions were an indicator they needed the opposite for a period of time

As my son got older he started asking for more autonomy and by degrees we gave it. But always reinforcing we are there as the safety net.

He is absolutely flying now.

You are describing my eldest son, who is the same age too. He seems more worried about control when he is tired or hungry and it seems especially difficult now he is at school, where he has no autonomy at all. No solutions really so following with interest! We do all the usual stuff of giving choices, having a very clear routine, giving him a competition to get dressed first etc and loads of specific positive feedback... but we are also struggling! I think starting school is quite difficult.

My (now almost 8) DS was like this. If you offered him two choices he would just say "no" because it wasn't enough control. I have found that giving him a clear plan of the day really helped, especially at the weekends, so setting out things that have to happen and things he has a choice in e.g. We need to go to the shops for a couple of things, afterwards what would you like to do - playground, beach, play a home etc.
Being clear and consistent about what is non-negotiable but giving as much lee way as possible for things that don't really matter - if he wanted to wear PJs to daycare, so be it (I'd pack a change of clothes for later in case), he wants to wear shorts and sandals in freezing weather, fine (I pack a coat and change of shoes). As he has become older he is more able to cope with changes in him expectations, and to self-regulate but it was definitely at a peak from around 4-6 years.
For my DS, I've also found he calms back down much more quickly if I give him space instead of trying to help resolve the issue. If he was having a meltdown, telling me to go away etc, I would just say "ok I'm going to let you have some alone time, I'm sitting over here if you need anything or want a hug". He might still be very upset for a while but it's a much quicker route to him calming down enough to be able to talk about it. Good Luck !

So tricky! My son needs the routine but also hates the demand of the routine.
I'm the same. My manager called me a "change agent" once which I thought was a lovely way of saying "pain the arses"
I think just trying to give choices even if I say red or blue he will say green. But just say fine if you find green in time then have it.

@bananabread2000 definitely the same here with giving DS space, sometimes he feels much older (he has def been here before!) in his need for downtime…he will now even ask to have a quiet day when things have been too full on.