Son’s emotions

[CallawayV]

Hi. Sorry for this long post but I’m really struggling and need some advice.

My son is struggling. He’s 9 and very emotional a lot of the time but recently he seems less and less able to control his emotions and get any sort of perspective. He catasrophises a lot.
He’s been emotional and distracted and an online maths tutor he has once a week said he was struggling with his concentration and asked if school had noticed anything. I asked them and they said yes, for a few weeks now.
hes been telling me he keeps getting told off now for fidgeting and getting frustrated with himself. He used to just cry but we said to the school two years ago when he was struggling that his crying would turn into something else as he got older if it wasn’t addressed.
We had him assessed privately for dyslexia as he was struggling. It came back a spiky profile with lots of areas he needs support but not dyslexia. At that point school gave him ELSA which seemed to help. But this school year he isn’t getting it and That dyslexia report wasn’t passed on from his teacher last year so now we’re back to square one this year.
i couldn’t get him through the school gates today. He’s not wanted to go many times and has been upset at the gates but today I just couldn’t convince him to go. It’s the first time.

He said he’d just get told off for his emotions as he wasn’t in the right frame of mind and was “struggling with his mental health”.

At home he was ok but tonight i asked him and his younger brother to get ready for an after school club and they wouldn’t get off the computer game they were playing. I gave them ample warning but they didn’t listen so I cut the internet. The youngest (6) was initially upset and shouted but then apologised and went to the club. The eldest got angry and yelled. I got him to the club and he took part and seemed better after but then when he got home he wanted the internet back and I said no as his behaviour earlier hadn’t been acceptable. I said he needed to do his reading and then we could watch tv. The youngest did as he was asked but the eldest started throwing things, ripping up paper. He threw a ball at my face and slammed the door into the wall. The door handle had now damaged the platerboard. I kept asking him calmly to go to his room and find a better way to calm down (he has a drum kit, paper etc in his room to use) but he wouldn’t and was shouting that it was all me, he hated me, I was the reason he had bad mental health and he doesn’t know why I had kids. I had to ignore him so his younger brother got some positive attention which he kept trying to disrupt. He’s gone to bed and said he hated me and doesn’t want to be in this family at all and doesn’t even “want to be here at all”. He said “I know it sounds dramatic but I wish I was just dead”. I told him I was always here and loved him and nothing was as bad as it seems but he just talked over me saying I I was stupid and he was stupid. When he was calmer and pretending to be asleep i lay by him in bed and cuddled him and told him it would be ok. I think he heard before he went to sleep.
I’m just dont know where to turn. I struggle not to get upset when he says hurtful things as I try so hard for them both. He has such a comfortable life with everything he could want. His dad works abroad during the week but is here at weekends and does everything for the boys, he’s really involved in all their interests at the weekend.
I’ve tried to tell my son that he can have the emotions but needs to know there are boundaries to how he can react and respond to those big emotions. I’m trying to set strong boundaries of what is acceptable but I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I dont know where to turn to get good advice on how to manage it all.

Hi. Sending you a big hug. Unfortunately I don't have any wise advice, but I just had a very similar evening with my 8 year old son and am feeling broken too.

For what it's worth, I think you sound like a lovely mother, and I think you are doing all the right things, with a good combination of love and boundaries.

Thank you so much. I’m sorry you’ve had a similar evening and are feeling broken too. I’m not sure you know just how much your words mean at the moment, really, thank you for posting and I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Xx

You too! I guess we just need to hang in and keep doing what we're doing and accept that it's just going to take as long as it takes.

I once read a parenting book that talked about 8-10 being a particularly emotional age (just like 2-4 years are always billed as being a difficult age). I have 3 other sons (12, 10 and 5) who are all fairly easy going (I am imagining your younger one is similar) but this lad is cut from a different cloth! He can't stand any form of criticism, and he screams and rages and shouts vile insults when he feels frustrated. He's fine at school and with friends, but stores it all up for home.

I make time every day to have one to one time with each of my sons, and he probably gets more time than his brothers at the moment due to a hobby I have to accompany him to. We go for a cup of tea afterwards, just the 2 of us, and I bring a Big Life Journal we have been filling in together to try to boost his self esteem.

But then this evening he had a massive meltdown and I finished sitting on the floor with my back against the door so he couldn't run out screaming into the night that he couldn't stand to live in this house any longer. He also told me that everything is my fault and when I asked why (because I was ready to apologise) he said it was because I hadn't killed him at birth. In response, I just said, "Well, I'm afraid I can't apologise for that because that was never going to happen, for many, many reasons but most of all because I love you too much."
There's a lot of that kind of talk at the moment. It's exhausting.

Stop the gaming is my advice.

He got violent because he couldn't play online games.

Some children can be easily addicted to online games and yours sounds like could.

There’s a lot going on here OP, the anxiety, school refusal, lack of concentration, emotional outbursts. Has he ever been assessed for ADHD?

You sound like you’re doing everything right, I know how soul destroying this all is unfortunately.

Wow that sounds so so similar. Do you struggle not to show you’re upset in front of him? I can sometimes feel the tears in my eyes and he picks up on any tension in my face or anything but I find it hard not to take it personally-have you found any ways to detach yourself from the hurtful words?

No, I feel his online maths tutor was hinting at that but can’t really say it and a couple of other people have suggested it but the school have never raised it. I have a meeting with the school next Thursday so I’ll raise it then. When he found out he didn’t have dyslexia last year his confidence and mood improved so part of me is wondering if a diagnosis will aid him or make him less confident.

yes I personally hate games now! But honestly, if it wasn’t that it would be tv or the other week it was because I won’t let him have a mobile phone like his friends. It’s less the cause of the anrgument and more the way he responds to his feelings and frustrations.

I sometimes really struggle not to lose my own temper when he is being really rude and unreasonable. Occasionally in the past I did get angry and shout back but I have learned that just makes it so much worse. I try really hard to stay calm and friendly, and when he says really shocking things I try hard not to act shocked, just explain to him calmly exactly why that's not right. I just try to stay really patient and accept that each episode is going to take as long as it needs to take and there is no shortcut.

Emotional dysregulation, distractability/difficulty concentrating, fidgeting, difficulties which are sort-of-like-dyslexia-but-not, violent outbursts, all of these are highly consistent with an ADHD profile (most likely inattentive rather than hyperactive). It's frustrating (for you and your DS) that this wasn't suggested as something to look at when the dyslexia assessment came back inconclusive. The "spiky profile" 99% of the time seems to mean that it's another form of neurodivergence - which ADHD is. I think this is one of the issues with private assessment though I'm not getting at you, because the waiting lists are ridiculously long.

Do you have a school SENCo you could approach - it sounds like he needs support in school even if there is no specific diagnosis. They will also know that it can take a long time to get there and it's not sustainable to keep paying for private assessments for everything individually to be told no it's not this, no it's not that - and nobody ever says "but what about that other thing?"

Also with the talking about self harm it may be worth making a GP appointment as this is then classed as more urgent, whether you believe he would act on it or not.

I think the gaming is a red herring. Many, possibly even most children struggle to transition easily from this very highly stimulating and rewarding activity into other things, especially if they are being asked to come off the game to do something they really don't want to do, like homework. Lots of children with ADHD do become obsessive over games and rarely want to do anything else but it was a one off which was described in the post.

Ah, schools seem desperate not to suggest ADHD for some reason - I don't know if they genuinely don't know how common it is or there is some taboo over it being "overdiagnosed". In any case I wouldn't take the school not suggesting it as a sign he doesn't have it. He's clearly struggling poor thing.

A book called Big Baffling Behaviours by Robyn Gobbel has been helping me loads lately. The Explosive Child might be useful for you as well (but I would recommend listening to a few of Ross Greene's talks before you try to read the book - it makes more sense if you REALLY get the premise before you read it.)

I would seek an assessment, undiagnosed children lend to unsupported teenagers and that doesn't tend to go well.

It won't make him change but it may give him access to supports and as he gets older insights into how he can regulate his emotions.

I also would ask school for any MH support. Gaming can be very triggering for all children. It is built that way. If he is struggling so much I would limit it to the weekend.

In the meantime you could look at some of the methods used to support ND . A timetable, with definitive breaks before a change, it won't do any of us to be more mindful when we are swapping activities.