4 year old's bedtime routine

[fingerscrossed2021x]

Evening all

We are hugely struggling with our 4 year old DD's bedtime. We do the usual bath/teeth/story and try to have a relaxing hour or so before bed but she still will not go to sleep easily.

We tried to create a solid bedtime routine approx.12 months ago and as it was me that did it initially, our DD has just gotten used to that so now screams bloody murder if my DH tries it, I then end up going in anyway which I know isn't the right thing to do but she gets herself so worked up that it feels like she's going to be sick from crying and it feels mean to listen to her like that. DH has tried everything to calm her down but it truly does not work and she now obviously knows that the longer she screams I will eventually go in and take over.

In the past I have tried to get her to sleep independently, story, cuddle, goodnight and then leave the room. She just gets up and runs around or jumps around on her bed or shouts for me and asks for drink/food/not tired etc. I repeatedly tell her to get back into bed and she will but then the cycle continues. I've tried sitting at her bedroom door where she can see me but she just talks, I repeat for her to go to sleep but she just messes around and shows no signs at all of being tired. We've tried a Tonie box, projectors, white noise machines and nothing at all is working.

Even as a baby she would never fall asleep independently, she was always rocked to sleep at nap times so she really has no experience of getting herself to sleep.

I want to be able to say goodnight and she goes to sleep by herself as I know she should have been doing this years ago and I've created a rod for my own back but I really don't know how to change it, we have another baby joining us in the next couple of weeks and I don't want to spend 90 mins of every evening convincing my four year old to go to sleep.

Please help!

Explain to her in the day, well before bed time, that the bedtime nonsense is finishing today. Mean it.

Do the usual calm routine that you've established. When she comes out of her room take her back and tell her it's bedtime. Then when she continues to do it take her back every single time but with no conversation about it. Be utterly dull. She'll kick up an almighty fuss but don't cave. Just keep taking her back again. And again. And again.

This might take a while so tag team with dad. You're both in it together.

No talking about it, no caving to any nonsense. Back to bed in silence every single time.

You need to undo everything and it's going ti take time. She needs to know there's not a chance in hell that she can run rings around you about this any more. She's going to make you work for it so brace yourself. It'll be worth it.

What happens when you aren't there? Or have you literally never missed a bedtime due to a work event / working late, going out with friends, getting some time to yourself to see a movie or exercise or do a hobby?

If not, I suggest you start. I'd tell DD "mummy has to go out tonight, but Daddy is really looking forward to doing bedtime with you. I'll see you in the morning." The. See how he goes when you just simple aren't there. After all, if there is some emergency like you have to go into hospital or go and help a friend or family member and there is an emergency, that's what would happen but under vastly more stressful circumstances.

I am embarrassed to admit it but he takes her out in the car as she will just fall asleep after 15 mins! It's literally the only way he can get her to sleep 😫

I've been through this twice with now DS 5 and DS 7. It's awful ending the day with feeling so burned out and frustrated with them.

I think a big part of it's just going to come down to her maturity, much the same way as they eventually drop naps and night feeds as babies. This may or may not be any comfort to you.

We still have issues with DS 5 but he's massively better than he was 6 months ago. And DS 7 just reads his own book and puts himself to bed. But we had this exact battle from a baby he was awful, I'd never have believed in a million years he'd get to that point.

I keep things very curt and firm for the transitional moments. I say we are going to the loo, and then we are brushing your teeth. Get into bed 1..2...3...I have to channel a confident no-nonsense teacher-like voice. Sometimes DH has to 'guard' the room in the landing, back facing not looking around...repeated 'go back to bed'...very boring for DS.

Thank you for your responses! We will definitely follow those tips!

Even just knowing it gets better helps

We were in this position this time last year with my then 3 yo.
We did some bedtimes with both of us and we took it in turns to read the stories. Then we started making me completely unavailable. I had to leave the house. We did this once a week. The first few weeks were hard but she adjusted. Then we did 2 days daddy 1 day me rota. For a couple of weeks by this point she was happy with either of us and we have alternated ever since.
I started a pilates class one evening a week and that helped us get into the routine. I had to hide so she didn't know I was in the house and did the class in my bedroom and dad did the evening and bedtime.

Day to day the easy thing to do is keep going as you are doing but it's exhausting! Getting through the first 3 or 4 nights with dad is hard but after that it has made our lives easier and it's strengthened all of relationships with one another.