My 9yo has said he wants to die!

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Im looking for some advice - i have a 9yo son, me and his dad have been split up for over 3 years now, he’s with someone else and so am I. Alfie (son) see’s his dad every other weekend, sometimes more. Im now expecting another child - 12 weeks pregnant. When we told Alfie he was so excited and still appears to be, he has a good relationship with my partner, he lives with us, doesn’t go without, goes to a good school. Id say he has a very good childhood between mine and his dads. Recently at school though he’s apparently told his friends he wants to die & even typed in into the school pc so the teacher brought it up to me. When i asked him though he said he never said that and never has. I asked if everything was okay, if he needed to talk to me about anything but he insists he’s fine and he feels fine. I just dont know if i should push him more on it or just leave it?

He absolutely idolises his dad (i have no idea why) and insists on wanting to move there after primary school and go to a high school near his dad’s. He thinks he’ll have this perfect life there like he does on the weekends and in half term etc. im always the bad guy for enforcing bed time and homework - and dad is the best and fun one.

do you think he’s just acting out or do you think i need to persue what he’s said more?

he shows no common signs of depression like withdrawal, sh, not being himself. He’s always seeing friends, going to karate, we do things just the 2 of us. He’s a very happy, bubbly child, so i dont know what has caused him to say these things.

Any advice welcome.
Thank you.

If he won't talk to you is there anyone he would talk to?

Could the teacher speak to him?

I wonder if he's worried about the arrival of baby and how he'll fit into the new picture.

Ultimately I wouldn't ignore just because he seems fine in front of you, but if he won't open up to you I'd try to find someone he would talk to.

What does his dad say?

My daughter said this at the same age; four years later when she became actively suicidal I wished I'd taken it more seriously and sought help for her (well, I did, but COVID happened and the therapy she was on the waiting list for got cancelled).

Speak to a GP and get a CAMHS referral; for us they were utterly useless and maybe even made things worse so we went private in the end, but I guess it varies by area.

He speaks to a well being lady at school every week but she hasn’t said he’s ever expressed anything like that and his dad says the same. His dad thinks it’s because he doesn’t want to live with me and is finding ways to make it so he can live with him.

How worrying for you. Could you make an appointment for a chat in private with the well-being lady? Just to get her impressions and ask how she would handle this in your situation?

I don’t really want to speculate too much about what might be wrong, but at that age, several seemingly small things can come together and induce a lot of anxiety. Is he coping ok with his school work? Do you think he is struggling to visualise his place in the family with a new sibling? How does he get along with your new partner?

I have a meeting with the school next week. It’s funny you say school work though because since being in year 5 and having a stricter teacher he isn’t engaging as he should be. His teacher has said when he finds a bit of work difficult he’ll just refuse to do it instead of trying.

ive spoken to him at length about the new baby and he said the only thing he doesn’t like is that they’ll have different last names. I have explained that I have a different last name to my sisters and we’re basically best friends, but I guess at 9 you don’t see it that way.

and as for my partner they get along brilliantly. I work a couple of evenings in the week so they spend time together playing Fortnite or they’ll cook dinner together. I always make sure I make time for just Alfie though like cinema trips or Costa dates. I’ve spoken to him again since writing this post about what he’s apparently said and he’s adamant he never said it or feels that way. He ‘double pinky promised me’ I just feel so conflicted about what I should do next.

The consultant we saw said that wanting to die is very much not a 'normal' thing that a child that age would say.

My daughter was later diagnosed with Autism, but she unfortunately had to have the most awful crisis for it to actually really surface.

Really - deal with it now.

Could he be saying it at school as a way of getting the teacher to go easy on him? Or as a way of expressing his frustration at finding something difficult?

Meeting his strict teacher and finding strategies to help him manage his school work when he finds something challenging could really help him. I do hope so. Some things that seem trivial can loom large in the mind of a 9 year old.

But he will 'double pinky promise' you, because he doesn't want to upset you, and feels bad that he did.

Seriously, you need to talk to a GP; if an adult expressed suicidal thoughts you wouldn't think twice about accessing help, so do it for your child. There is nothing to be gained by dithering about.