Please tell me it gets easier?

[SecretSloth99]

Baby is 9 days old and will not settle to sleep anywhere except me or husband! It’s making ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ nearly impossible. We are EBF with no bottles currently.

I sleep 9pm-midnight and then he takes over 5am-9am as he needs to go to work in the morning. But he gets very disrupted sleep during the night as every time I try and pop her in the next to me she immediately starts crying, even after letting her sleep on me for 30 mins, doing the flop test, gently warming the next to me to minimise temperature change, swaddling, love2dream swaddle, literally everything! Will introducing a dummy help?

just looking for experiences and reassurances that this will pass….I’m at my wits end right now…how long can we maybe expect this to last?

Thankyou from a very tired FTM!

My oldest was like this. I had to co-sleep making it as safe as I could, following all co-sleeping guidance I could find. It wasn't easy as she had reflux and had to be upright for 30 mins after a feed! It gets easier as they get older and my second could just be put down awake in a crib!

Honestly OP it will pass and it does get easier. This was my daughter for the first few weeks, only slept while on us so we were also doing shifts, it was exhausting and we tried absolutely everything. One day it just clicked for her, we didn’t do anything differently that day or any day since I honestly think it was just her adjusting to be outside in the world instead of tucked inside me! Good luck, it will pass! X

My son had refkux which turned out to be due to cmpa and was like this. I had to let go of all the ideas I had of newborn bubble, sleep when baby sleeps etc, it was my first lesson of the surprises of parenthood but also what you can handle! I said when he was small never ever ever again and now he's 15 months and (though he's never slept through yet gaaah) sleeps in his cot for naps too, it seems like ages ago and that mad exhaustion and delirium just feels worlds away, and I miss it! I miss my baby! And woukd consider another even, its crazy.

It's all a phase, and it's frustrating when you see other people's baby's doing things and them doing things that you can't, but you're in the very early days yet, the real trenches and it will pass.

I also co slept but from when he was 5 months and had a regression. Up 11 tines a night aaargh! So resorted to that following safe guidelines. I. The early days of contact sleep my husband and I split the night so we both got a survivable 5 hours solid sleep, he was bottle fed which helped as his tongue tie meant breast feeding wasn't possible.

The first 12 or so weeks of my DC1s life was probably the hardest 12 weeks in all of my parenting and I've since had a DC2. It is REALLY hard. I would cosleep if you can - look up the safe sleep seven, even if only for daytime naps (still need to follow the safe sleep guidelines)

I'm by no means an expert but I can only share what we muddled out way through with...

I'm afraid this will likely go on for a while 😬 sleep becomes a precious precious commodity to be jostled over time and again. We found it best we slept separately...do you have a spare room or bed? Do you have a pump? We did it so I went to bed around 8pm, DH bottle fed expressed milk around 11pm and I woke up about 12am to express and feed. Then again around 3am or onwards to feed...the best sleep to be had was around that one bottle feed.

We agreed to let DH sleep separately, as at least he was awake and sane during the day...and I kind of accepted my fate and tried to enjoy light hearted shows during the night. In time (I can't remember when) the night feeds became more defined and a steady 2 feeds and then a steady 1 feed. DS1 didn't sleep though until 12 months. DS2 slept a good 6 hours or so at around 10 weeks so they're all different.

Wasn't a fan of co-sleeping but that's just a personal preference but I did feed laying in bed in the end. DS 2 liked to be tucked in with a blanket. DS 1 had colic issues and nothing seemed to please him.

Just try to be kind to yourselves, try to slow down and enjoy the new 'night life'...it's rough as hell but it's not forever x

I'd say it changes, rather than gets easier. Then again mine would sleep on their own in the next to me from day 0, which was great. I also didn't have more than 3 hours consecutive sleep in over a year with one of them (I did as a newborn, things got worse later).

As one challenge passes another rears its head. Some you'll find less challenging than others. But it's not linear.

One thing though is that your body is healing, your body is adjusting to less sleep and you're learning a new 'job'. So although I'm not going to promise you easier times ahead, you'll probably feel more equipped to deal with them. And whatever the problems, most babies, even if they wake up every 30m, don't require being ON you for night sleep for that long. So that's probably time limited at least.

I'm sorry if this isn't the pure optimism that you're after, and some people will criticise me for that. But I've seen too many people say "but I got told that x gets easier" or "I was told 12 weeks was a turning point" and for some it is, but others feel lied to. Sarah Ockwell Smith even admits to lying in a blog about the 4-5 month sleep regression (literally says 'I lied') because she doesn't want desperate people to turn to sleep training.

Some parents find this the hardest phase. It wasn't for me, not by a long shot, but everyone is different, and how they gel with different bits of parenting vary. I have a 7 year old who came in 3 times last night, so I'm a veteran of sleep deprivation, but even she doesn't require lying on top of me.

You poor thing. It does get easier, definitely. At that age babies still don't realise the difference between day and night, which is really hard on the parents.

When our children were very very small we used a sleep pod in between us, so that they were sleeping in our bed but we couldn't roll over on them. Dummies can work wonders for some babies, but some won't take them.

The other thing to say is that you don't need to intervene immediately when you put your baby down and it cries. Try leaving them for 1 minute to see if the crying tapers off and/or assess the type of crying - is it screaming (urgent), or is it more "grumbling" (not urgent). I'm not talking about sleep training, especially at this age, but one of the things I wish I had known as a FTM was that by constantly intervening whenever my baby cried, I was actually stopping them getting to sleep, which had such a huge impact on both me and the baby in the long run as we both ended up tired and grumpy. Sometimes a baby needs a short cry before they will settle. Obviously you would still be there in case they don't settle, so you can help them with whatever is bothering them.

It gets easier! I found the first week was awful for sleep, but managed to get my son used to his next to me during the second week. I also had the sheep thing (ewan?) that plays white noise and glows red, I'm not sure if that did anything but my son did transfer from boob to his bed better when that was going.

I do recommend trying a dummy, I did cave after a week. It didn't disturb breastfeeding in my experience. I only ever gave it to him after he fed at night times, and only during the day if he was really unsettled. This also made it easier to wean him off them, we just hid them all when he stopped needing them at night and he didn't notice or care.

Under 2 weeks very normal. I think of my 7 NCT friends I think 4 or 5 if us were like this. By 2-3 weeks it was just my daughter and possibly 1 other that was still like it.
Another reflux and cmpa baby. She's 4 years old now and still when she's struggling she sleeps in my arms with me sat up.

Newborn stage is tough. I don't care what anyone says. It is my least favourite part, and I've had 3 🤣. Your baby will eventually get used to being in their cot. Maybe get a swaddle bag for them? I ended up co sleeping with my oldest because she hated the cot so much. Ironically she's my best sleeper now. Just be kind to yourself, it will get easier I promise.

It gets easier, but slowly and not in a linear way.

The shock is a lot at first. It's such a big adjustment. Go very easy on yourself and expect very little. All you need to do is feed and cuddle. Nothing else. You don't need to be getting out yet. Give yourself time to heal. Accept your sleep comes across the 24 hours now, not in one batch.

Lay down a lot. Ask someone to bring you good food. Do not try to do everything yourself.

I got a double bed and we coslept in the nursery. Fed to sleep. Not what 'experts' would recommend, but it worked for us. No lasting damage 9 years on.

Have you seen the health visitor? They helped us loads as this was exactly our little boy and turned out he had severe reflux and a tongue tie

Sleep when the baby sleeps is a myth.

Try co-sleeping / 'breastsleeping' - read up on how to do it safely from lullaby trust.

Congratulations!

Do you have a spare room? Or a sofa? You need to take shifts with the baby and get proper sleep (with earplugs) when you’re not on shift.

If BF do get latch checked incl for tongue tie

Was your baby early at all?

PS this is, unfortunately, normal. Not for everyone but for a significant number.

I could cheerfully have murdered people who said sleep when the baby sleeps

My DS only really slept when being held upright for the first month or so. And even that wasn't consistent, with two consecutive nights of him being awake midnight - 6am. I remember reading a thread online where people spoke about sleepless nights where their baby woke 6+ times. And thinking "so the baby went to sleep?!?! That's a win!!" Unhinged attitude but hey, sleep deprivation.

We recruited help from family to come hold him in the afternoon so I could sleep (unfortunately sometimes only for 45 minutes, EBF plus tongue tie initially then lots of cluster feeds subsequently). And on particularly rough nights, we did some co-sleeping. I struggled to sleep when he was very little and next to me, but at least I wasn't worry about dropping him or falling asleep on the sofa.

My experience is that it got so much easier. Hugely, fundamentally, drastically easier. Plus a load more fun. But my main advice is try to not worry about what's coming next. Babies change constantly. If you have a rough night or week, it doesn't mean it'll be permanent. When you're in the newborn trenches, it doesn't help to be fretting about what the future will bring.