Daughter struggling at school

[Anxiousmum89]

This may be long/complicated but I'll try hard to make this as easy to read as I can

My daughter is year 1, in year R she struggled with remembering not to grab when frustrated or upset. We worked on a system of thumbs up or down and it seemed to help. My daughter never seemed to have a set friendship or group she played with but I chalked this up to settling in.

At the end of the year, I noticed many of the girls were in groups and were very close. My daughter wasn't in any of them, she just seemed to bounce between different people.

Fast forward to year one, ny daughter was occasionally saying no one was playing with her and I asked her teacher. She said she flits about but is always with someone.
A week ago at parents evening, her teacher said she is very bright academically however socially "its like she doesn't know how to make friends". Apparently she will irritate other children, hold onto things they want, tell on them for small things and doesn't know when to stop.

She is very energetic and wants friends so much, but I am aware she can be bossy and a bit overbearing at times because she doesn't seem to notice other people becoming irritated. The last few days I've been told she upset someone by ripping their work and now the other children are refusing to work with her.
We have taken it very seriously , introduced a reward jar for kindness and been talking about ways to be kind. However I've noticed that she is saying things like she wishes she was like someone else because her friends want to talk to them but not her.

At class parties she sits alone. At break and lunch she tends to spend time with a girl in year r and a girl in year 2.
I'm torn between it being because she isn't treating others kindly and therefore is generally unlikeable,.that discipline is the answer.
Or is she struggling with never really being accepted by her classmates and she Lashing out.
I'm so saddened by it all. This may not be everything so ill try to answer any questions. I'm just lost on how to help my daughter, any advice is appreciated.
Thank you

She sounds very similar to my DD, shes recently been diagnosed with autism and shes almost 10. She behaves very similarly to what you have described.

Thank you for your message, may I ask if your daughter is any different at home?
My daughter seems to be able to reign it in at home and understands how she has made others feel when we ask.
She has siblings that she manages to share with. I wondered if the behaviour persists regardless of the setting?

I understand autism prevents differently in girls.

It may or may not be autism.

Some children do need more time to develop their social skills and if she was grabbing on reception and has done other things then her class may be avoiding her.

Does she do other activities outside school?

This is the easiest way to help develop social skills. Something like rainbows or brownies would be good where there is a structure but some flexibility in that.

It sounds like she wants attention from the other children and doesn’t know how to do this in a positive way. Have school noticed anything else, recommend a meet with the SENCO to explore the possibility or neurodiversity

Does your school run ELSA, could they focus on supporting your DD by teaching her about how to be a good friend?

can you get her into something extra curricular (personally I’d recommend sport) so she can meet other children? The shorter time scale and the structure might help her?

Her peers are starting to avoid her sadly. I was upset with her, but I do want to be in her court if there is an underlying feeling causing her to feel these emotions she can't seem to regulate at school.

There aren't any local brownie groups, however she is very physically active and we are looking at an under 8s judo class. She has seen her brothers do things like this and was eager to join.

Google for some resources about how to be a good friend, there will be advice and story books that might help. Also things about how to manage big emotions and what to do if you’re angry with someone. She needs to learn to identify and cope with her emotions.

All you can do is keep supporting her to learn about kindness and the consequences of doing unkind things. What was she feeling when she ripped the other child’s work and what could she have done instead?

On the plus side, she does have friends that she plays with at break and lunch, just not in her class.

You also say that at parties she sits alone - again, if it were really bad she would not be invited.

This is almost certainly fixable.

Get her into some clubs - doesn't really matter what as long as she enjoys them.

It may be worth speaking to the teacher - there is an intervention that we used to do in primary called circle of friends which is aimed at getting peers to realise that actually she can be a good friend.

It's probably called something different these days.

@Autumndayz77 I have been in touch with her teacher and other than this issue, they haven't noticed anything else. However I am aware that things can be masked in girls more.
Yes they do have ELSA as my son did it last term, I plan on calling tomorrow so I will enquire about her possibly joining them. There is a senco but she isn't very easy to talk to, I will still try.

We are looking into Judo as she seems intrigued by this and they have an under 8s.

@SometimesCalmPerson thank you, I have ordered some books and we have been singing a song about kindness to help build her empathy. She said she was feeling angry but couldn't identify what about, that's why I was wondering if there was some built up resentment amongst her and her peers.

@Octavia64
Thank you for the reassurance, I suppose I feel a bit like it's a disaster as the children are avoiding working with her and a girl refused to talk to her today. But as you say, hopefully things can be fixed with the right intervention. She does play with older and younger children better I think, maybe because they don't challenge her as much.

I have emailed the Judo club in hopes of them having a space. The circle of friends sounds very good. I will call tomorrow, as I feel its important to understand why she is acting this way so we can make her truly see how her behaviour affects her and others.

Her teacher at times seems to have written her off as mean.