13 year old daughter is a pain

[Poppysu]

My 13 year old is horrible to me and takes the piss out of me all the time I'm absolutely sick of her behaviour which is has caused problems with me and DH now. Bad attitude every single day, jumping on the defence, if I ask her to take her clean laundry upstairs and tidy her room.

This morning she was awful I did lose my temper she was sat downstairs in her pajamas at 8 am and she said I'm not going to school today all because it had snowed the night before and was clever with me saying "dad said I could have the day off". I rang the school and offered course it was open and I told her she had to go which resulted into screaming and crying and yet she comes to me every time she has arranged to go shopping and cinema with her friends for money, which she has planned this weekend but the purse is staying shut.

She wasn't happy when her friends were going to London trip with school next spring and she wasn't going she wanted to skip school for a few days and I said no I don't think school would be ok with that, and because I said no not this year (she went the year before) bare in mind I have 3 little ones too she said "well it's not your money, it would of been dad's" also her grandma has just flown her to New York to visit family. I don't like her at all lately and she is making me miserable is anyone else going through this so I don't feel less alone

and because I said no not this year (she went the year before) bare in mind I have 3 little ones too she said "well it's not your money, it would of been dad's" also her grandma has just flown her to New York to visit family. I don't like her at all lately and she is making me miserable is anyone else going through this so I don't feel less alone

At 13 it's hard if all of your friends are going on a school trip and you aren't. Did you explain to her last year that you would be able to pay for this year's trip as well? Has she had the opportunity to save Christmas and Birthday money towards the trip?

I think it's really clear from your post, even before you mentioned it that you don't like her right now and going teen girls are very sensitive to this.

I would read Untangled by Lisa Damour. She explains very well what stages your DD will go through to transition from your little girl to an Adult Woman.

How much time do the two of you have together alone?

And where is her DF?

It was quite pricey for just 3 days and I know they do shows in between but I'm trying to save. Im with her going to New York I didn't think it would of been that much of an issue as she's already had a trip. My DH is her dad I have told him we need to be on same page on with parenting as it's like good cop bad cop

I don't have much time on my own with her as I have a baby and two younger ones I did try going out on and one to one but she wants to go for meals out and Im trying to save up.
That is a very good idea tho I think maybe that could help

What are you trying to save for?

Its hard at 13 to miss out on what your friends are doing and it sounds like a big age gap and not a lot of time and focus coming her way. I think it’s a big ask for a 13 year old to see it from your perspective to be honest. Her reality is mum and dad had 3 more babies and now there’s no time and no extra money for her to go on school trips or out for a bit of one to one time with her mum.

13 year olds are fairly selfish by their nature but they still need a fair bit of nurturing.

Sorry I don’t have any suggestions but I will say just as an outside perspective that she does sound quite immature and selfish for a 13 year old. Screaming and crying is a bit much at that age. Maybe there’s a lot of that around, but I remember being a 13 year old girl myself, and would never have been so disrespectful to my mum. Do you spoil her? Is she a very cliquey sort of girl? There might be an element of peer pressure going on, but not going to school because of snow is one step away from not turning up to job interviews or important meetings etc. she needs to realise actions have consequences in some way or another.

Maybe there’s a lot of that around, but I remember being a 13 year old girl myself, and would never have been so disrespectful to my mum.

Do you have a teen girl @ByHardyRubyEagle? Just wondering as Gen Z's seem very different from how I was at that age (Gen X).

Just to add my others are 9,4, and 11 months. I'm saving up to pay my mortgage off

She does have everything all the latest things like what I think most have and she has dance lessons. She does also have lots of friends so you could be right if it's down to peers.

13 yos are awful. It’s a genetic requirement. They need to start pulling away from their mothers so that they are ready to move on and leave the family home and even the close community. Otherwise we would have too much inbreeding as a society.

once you accept it is a developmental phase, it is easier to manage.

she does need reassurance that she still has your unconditional love. Especially with younger children competing for attention and resources, it is going to be especially hard for her to both crave independence and be simultaneously pushed to independence before she is ready.

you need to carve out time for her. If a meal is too expensive, go out for coffee or ice cream. If that isn’t affordable, then find something else the two of you will be able to do together on a regular basis.

At 13, I had an hour with my dd every day because of school transport. It made a world of difference to our relationship. She would communicate with me then more than any other time.

She does have everything all the latest things like what I think most have and she has dance lessons.

As said below, they can be extremely selfish at that age. If she's always had dance lessons and the latest tech, that's her normal. She probably won't fully understand why you want to save to pay the mortgage off either.

It sounds like you are both pretty horrible to each other tbh. It seems like a cycle of she is upset due to disappointment so you then retaliate by making her more disappointed which makes her upset and so on and so on.

So she thought she had a snow day and was upset to have to go to school, so why are you vindictively cancelling her weekend plans? The two aren’t even linked and while we are at it, why doesn’t she have pocket money so she can have a bit of independence and learn how to budget to do activities like go to the cinema with friends? She is 13 not 3.

I also do not understand you refusing to allow her on a school trip because you want to pay off your mortgage early. School trips to London to see shows are usually educational in one way or another. My DC were always going down to see museums and watch a Shakespeare play or other show they were reading for GCSEs. It is also kind of a punishment to her because you can afford to send her. You’re not short money for bills.

Your actions seem designed to isolate her from her friends. No wonder she is miserable and talks awful to you.

As the adult, it is up to you to break this cycle. Not her. I know teenagers are a challenge, I have had them myself. Often you can’t take things personally because they are an emotional and hormonal mess. It’s hard, but you need to stop this toxic cycle where you are meeting natural upset at being disappointed with taking yet another thing away to make the disappointment even bigger and more hurtful…

Yes well time spent with friends is often more important than “things” not just to teenagers but to most humans.

The trip is £400 for 3 days and that's before buying clothes to go on the trip. I was brought up by a single mum that worked full time and couldn't afford to take me and my brother on holidays and we loved her dearly she didn't have to take us on trips out she couldn't afford it and that was that. Money doesn't grow on trees me and her dad work really hard and we have big bills to pay monthly.

Also I don't isolate from her friends at all. Her friend came for tea on Friday and her other friend came all day on Sunday which I regularly say why don't you invite so so?

Great, I am sure her missing out on the school trip of the year is worth paying off an extra £400 on your decades long mortgage so you pay it off what a whole 3 days earlier?

Sarcasm aside though, I would never sacrifice parts of my DC’s childhood or schooling that are important to them just to pay off one of my debts a teensy weensy bit early. It’s like saying that the bank getting their money early is more important than her once a year school trip.

As I said, you can afford the school trip. It’s not due to high bills you’ve said no, but due to your self imposed savings goal that it sounds like your DH doesn’t entirely agree with either.

Your childhood is not comparable. Your single mum genuinely couldn’t afford it, you can and your child is not too stupid to know the difference.

You cant say you don’t “at all” when you have literally cancelled her plans to go shopping & to cinema with her friends this weekend and have refused to pay for her to go on the school trip- both of which isolate her from her friends.

Do you have a thing about her having independent fun outside the home?

It wasn't out of punishment with the trip to London, it's generally is abit out of the budget. I won't stop her from going out with her friends at the weekend I can see that now. Also the school trip was optional they have a few though out the year and if ones is in the budget then should be ok

Yeah I agree london school trip wasn’t intended as a punishment, but I wrote it may feel like a punishment to your DD because you do tend to cancel things like that as a punishment. So your DD may be feeling like she is being punished even if you didn’t intend it, and say to her it isn’t. So her reaction to that is going to be due to her feeling it is…and so the poor behaviour and refusal to put away laundry, tidy her room.

Do you have any kind of reward system or praise for when she is good? Sometimes we get caught up in only noticing and criticising what they do wrong and not giving just as much attention and praise for what they do right…

This was going to be the first time I would say I'm not giving money out for shopping and cinema but I won't now because I can see your point now

Well thank you :)
Ofc, I am in favour of talking with her about how to handle disappointment without going all dramatic about it and lashing at put you, keeping in mind that a 13yr old is emotionally on edge all the time due to that life phase. Some level of disappointment emotion being displayed should be acceptable, so give her a boundary between being stiff upper lip and crying/gnashing of teeth.

As far as I'm concerned - as a Mum - her attitude alone would stop her from having anything -money, trips or weekends out!
I know teenagers become brats (been there, done that, and got the t-shirt) but behaviour like that does no favours to anyone!! But then I can be harsh like that if the situation warrants it. Your daughter is manipulating and calculating so she gets her own way and playing you and DH off against each other. It's a confusing time for teenagers with hormones all over the place - I feel for you OP.

The trip is £400 for 3 days and that's before buying clothes to go on the trip. I was brought up by a single mum that worked full time and couldn't afford to take me and my brother on holidays and we loved her dearly she didn't have to take us on trips out she couldn't afford it and that was that. Money doesn't grow on trees me and her dad work really hard and we have big bills to pay monthly.

How you were brought up has no relevance to this situation though. Personally I'd take on another job if I couldn't afford a school trip . I got so much out of the ones I went on and they helped to decide what I wanted as an adult. It's your choice whether to send her but if it was me I'd try and prioritise school trips a little more.

Did she really need new clothes as well if she's just been to NYC?

She sounds a bit spoilt to me, 13 year olds can be quite dramatic - I have one and he’s the youngest of 4. I have boys though my sister has a now 14 yo girl early teens can be tough but you need to be consistent about her attitude and behaviour if she wants money to go out with friends she only gets it if she behaves.

she needs consequences for her stroppy behaviour and to know neither your or her dad will put up with that, you need to be a team, you’ve also got 3 younger kids watching all this who will be teens themselves one day too. Not saying it’s not tough, I think the teen years have been the hardest especially with 4 (youngest 2 13&14 currently) 14 yo can be a right stroppy mouthy git - less so since I’ve had words and pulled back on some of his activities and taken away x box etc. 1-1 is important too, just part of being a parent being pulled in different directions and feeling no one really gets enough of you, but it is important and there’s 2 of you whilst you have some mother daughter time. By the time you get through your eldest teens it’ll be the 9yo turn so you’ve got that to look forward to, 🙃 it’ll be fine but set the boundaries now as it gets harder the older they become

This i sreally difficult because of course your valid and it's not okay to feel so upset at the relationship with you daughter, but maybe there is something other than anger when she's yelling at you or doesn't want to go to school. If you talk to her and explain your intentions of wanting to know why she doesn't want to go to school or why she feels the need to shout maybe something will arise. I suggest that if there is something like friendship issues, pressure, comparison, etc going on at school let her skip a few days of school if she gets some school counseling and keeps up her work and grades, etc...

I have the same with my 11 year old daughter, her attitude is awful. She is being so rude, so mean towards me, telling me I am an awful mom, all her friends could go to the disco and I did not allow it (disco was for 14 to 16 years old, there is no way I would let her go) so I apparently ruin her life. She wants to go live with her dad, he is a nice person and she agrees with him that I am a bitch and no wonder he left me as I am such a bitch. That my ex husband partner is so much better, so much nicer. I am dreading when she will be a teenager.