Playdate lunch etiquette

[Squeekey]

You've got a playdate that ends 1-1:30ish. Kids are two boys 4&8, parents are staying. Do you offer lunch?

If there isn't any sign of lunch by 12:30ish, is it rude to ask whether the younger one could possibly have a sandwich? (he has SEN with massive issues around eating, a limited diet and needs to eat at a certain time.)

If the mum says 'yes' to the sandwich, but then produces something completely different that the child won't eat, is it rude to (as politely as possible) give her a heads up that said child probably wouldn't eat it? Let's say it was a salad for example.

I always thought that etiquette was either to check what they like before it's too late or produce something almost universally liked.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Doesn't matter who's wrong, you've learnt from the experience to either set expectations up front or don't go back (around meal times)

If you have a child with specific needs around food it’d be best to take a packed lunch to cover all bases

TBH, if the playdate that ends at 1ish I would expect the guests to have lunch at home.

If I was the parents of the children at the playdate I would have brought a sandwich with me for my son and just explain to the host he has a limited diet and that it is easier all round for him to have a sandwich from home.

I would also avoid playdates around meal times.

I agree about the packed lunch.
This was a family members house though, where they know him and his issues very well, not a random playdate from school.

It was a very loose finish time.

If the mum says 'yes' to the sandwich, but then produces something completely different that the child won't eat, is it rude to (as politely as possible) give her a heads up that said child probably wouldn't eat it

Yes, I would say this is starting to border on rude. If food is that much of an issue then wrap up the play date early and take your child home to feed him.

I can't explain without it being too outing, but we couldn't go until 'something' had happened, so couldn't just leave and go home for lunch early.

But yeah, family member who we are closer to, see frequently, they are happy making themselves a cuppa in our kitchen, have a spare key to our house, that sort of close

What is the situation here?

If you are the guest you check it out beforehand. E.g “ Dc normally has lunch at about 12.30 and functions best if we stick to timings. shall I bring something? “ and see what the response is. And if I don’t know the person really well I might have a back up pack up in the car. The host knows your Dc has SEN?

If you are the host say “happy to do lunch for us all, what are your dietary requirements “

I’d expect that the family with specific needs would check the plan in advance. Even if the hosts know you well, it’s tricky to keep up to date with very precise needs, and although I’d try to cater for them I’d worry I’d not got it right without a convo first.

If it was loose they might have expected you to leave for lunch, especially if they know about the SEN issues. They also might have expected you to bring something with those issues in mind.

You advocate for your child and make sure they are OK. Ask directly about lunch and have a pack lunch with you.

It’s a relative. Communicate.

Ok, I'll have to be more specific about who we couldn't just leave. I brought a celebration cake to share (this was part of the plan). It would have been rude of me to start lighting candles and dishing it out, but we couldn't really leave until it was done.

Wet didn't discuss it because normally it's it's got to lunch time round either of our houses, we have a chat about lunch and sort it. More usually at mine then hers because we are over mine more, but we rarely work it out in advance.

Your first post is quite misleading - in a family members home who you know well and it’s pre arranged you’ll be there until after lunch then no it’s not rude to ask or say he won’t eat it.
In the home of someone you know less well then I’d discuss lunch ahead of time/bring what my child will eat

I guess I'm trying to be as un-identidying as possible here, because I don't want to make things even more difficult than they are. I wasn't intending to mislead.

Maybe I didn't have described it as a playdate, I guess the kids are best friends as well as relatives.

I was thinking though of the wider picture of school playdates as well though, am I weird in that I check with the child/parent first?

If my child had issues with food and timing and whathaveyou, I’d bring a packed lunch. In an ideal world, everyone would be understanding and as accommodating as they could be, but it’s not, so they won’t.

With play dates that are going to be over lunch I check in as well about what I can bring etc as it’s very awkward when the kids are hungry and someone isn’t making any indication that they might be making lunch

No. It’s normal to check especially if there are issues around what food will be acceptable.
In your position I’d just take something that works so your host doesn’t need to worry. It can be really awkward for hosts to cater to requirements they don’t always fully understand or which require ingredients they don’t usually work with. At the very least, they need a heads-up as to what might work.

Then why didn’t you say “what time shall we do the cake? Dc usually have lunch at xxx but we can do it first if you like?”

Communication is more important than etiquette.

I feel like with friends I’m that comfortable with I would have just asked.

A close family member changes the situation considerably I think. Then I think you can ask for lunch, or even ask if you can make something yourself for him. If I was at my parents' or sibling's for example, I'd just say "do you mind if I make X a sandwich?" and it wouldn't be an issue.

Whilst true, her own child has special dietary requirements, and they are close enough that we always make sure we have things in that he can eat.

Its expected from her side that if he's over during lunch/dinner we make free-from food for him. I dont mean 'expected' in any form of critical way, just that she wouldn't think of bringing a lunch box for him, and neither would we dream of asking him to.

Tbh, the issues with my child and food are more about how little they eat. He is restrictive, but not hugely so. A ham or cheese sandwich, a slice of toast, even just a bag of crisps would have been fine. But he won't sit and eat a salad.

"Oh, you know what Fred's like when he gets hungry-can I make him a sandwich? Would Ned like one too?"

I never expect people to feed mine a meal anywhere. If I was worried about having appropriate food, I’d always pack something myself. But if this is you visiting family (not a random play date from school with parents you don’t know), I’d also be fine just being like, oi, Sharon, Bobby is hungry, do you mind if I make him a ham sandwich? If no ham or bread, then we’d get ready to go and grab a sandwich from the shop.

If they're that close, of course they should provide lunch.

I would let you know that I'll provide lunch and ask what the kids like. I'm hosting you.