Son struggling at school (behaviour)

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My son started Reception this year and seems to be really struggling. He was at the pre-school previously so he knew the school and quite a lot of the staff already.

The main issues are that he can be very stubborn and then can get extremely upset if he doesn’t get things his own way. He doesn’t always listen very well and he can struggle with transitions from one activity to another (particularly if he is deeply engrossed in an activity and then asked to stop doing it to move onto something else).

Additionally, he doesn’t join in with “specialist” subjects e.g. music, PE and French. For those lessons they have specialist teachers and often go to a different classroom. We have been told that he often just sits on the side and watches. He is definitely paying attention though as he will come home and practically replay a whole lesson for us. He has not joined in with any rehearsals for the nativity play, but he knows all the words and actions.

Academically, he seems to be absolutely fine. We don’t usually have any problems with getting him to do his homework. I think he is bright and I sometimes wonder if he loses focus because he gets bored. He picks things up quickly and has an amazing memory. He loves learning new facts about things he finds interesting and enjoys show and tell (less so listening to others do show and tell!).

We have always struggled to get him to join in with things like sports. He is in his element exploring outside and building Lego models. He seems to be fine making friends, but probably prefers having few good friends.

He is can be highly sensitive / emotional and unsure of new situations. He is not shy though and in familiar situations can be very boisterous and loud. He loves giving and receiving cuddles.

We have been into school a couple of times to talk to his teacher about his behaviour and he is now in a “nurture club” with a few other boys who are finding it hard to settle into school. He seemed to be getting slower better, but we had an email from his teacher yesterday saying that his behaviour since coming back from half term has deteriorated. There was a whole litany of examples, ranging from refusing to hand over a library book to be stamped to having a full meltdown when he wasn’t allowed to be the front of the line.

I’m at a loss as to where we go from here and what we do to help him. It’s also really getting me down because almost all interaction we have with the school at the moment is negative.

Has anyone else had similar issues or got any advice?

i don’t want to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but my daughter also had problems in early primary school. I thought it was genuinely her behavior, but when she got older and was able to explain things more it was actually down to favouritism in class, bullying from pillar to post and draconian and inconsistent discipline. If your kid is generally a decent kid when not in school, take his side and don’t assume he is the problem

He sounds overwhelmed. By your comments about 'specialist lessons' can I ask if it's a private school?

Yes, it’s a private school

It sounds a bit like my son, who is autistic. He has delayed echolalia so will recite happenings from the day, things that he hasn’t actively participated in such as hide and seek. He’ll even repeat what the teachers said when they’ve had to tell him not to do something. He’s observing everything but not being an active participant. He doesn’t understand the social routines and won’t imitate or feel obliged to participate so he has to be actively encouraged to do something. Once he’s involved and included he enjoys it, but the staff have to be more proactive with him. He’s also very much still on his own agenda to a large extent. My son also is bright and curious, no learning disabilities so far as we can see. He is also at a private school.

Could you have a look at speaking to the SENCO and speaking about active inclusion? Inclusion funding? Support plan? EHCP? nurture group obviously isn’t enough for him, and sounds like he might need 1:1.

Hi OP,

Have to mirror the above poster.

Sounds a carbon copy of my boy who is currently undergoing assessment for ASD. He is a clever chap, but struggles with emotional regulation, focussing and socialisation x

I suspected it might be a private school. Sadly an awful lot of private schools are overly rigid in Reception. Small class sizes are not the be all and end all. State schools are often better at dealing with a range of needs.

Private schools are businesses and I’m afraid that they are able to, and frequently do manage children out if they feel that behaviour needs can’t be met without impacting on the other children, or if they predict that things aren’t going to improve.

I would suggest having a conversation with the SENCo to see what support can be put in place. Consider what his behaviour is saying. It sounds like he is seeking to control his environment, and thereby feel safe. Moving between classrooms is likely to increase his feelings of anxiety. He may need things like visual timetables, a timer, pre-warnings of change, a fixed place in the line, a break-out space such as a mini tent in which to retreat when he needs time alone etc.

What is his behaviour like at home?

Sounds like he disrupts others learning so they move him so the other parents don’t complain as they need the money.
Do u play games where he loses so he gets use to not winning, do u ensure he has to wait his turn for things?
Do u ensure that u don’t give in to bad behaviour?
have they been assessed for Sen?